


Someone to Save Me

by GeekLover



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Angst, Barebacking, Bottom Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fanfiction, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, Getting Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Neglect, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-08-19 20:34:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 70,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8223958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekLover/pseuds/GeekLover
Summary: Lance has had to take care of his mentally ill half-brother Arthur most of his life. Though he's had to sacrifice a lot, he would do anything for his brother and refuses to complain. But things are starting to take a toll and Lance has to ask himself what is best for Arthur and for himself. Arthur isn't any happier with the way things are and desperately needs a change. When Arthur "wins" Merlin in a poker game, he changes their lives in ways neither Lance or Arthur ever imagined.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much to the mods for their infinite patience. This story is close to my heart and without their help, I wouldn't have completed it. Also, thanks to them for keeping this fest going! It's a great reminder of the great stories and art this community still can produce!
> 
> Also, thank you to my artist, whimsycatcher, for being understanding and creating such a lovely cover and hopefully some more beautiful art to come! Link to art - http://whimsycatcher.livejournal.com/2889.html
> 
> Big, big thanks to my beta schweet_heart for working me through all phases of writing this. She also was great to brainstorm with and was so enthusiastic which was very encouraging.
> 
> Also, huge thanks to another beta and britpicker, patria_mori who did really thorough work and was great at giving me her opinion on the direction of the story and helping me steer the story right.
> 
> Thanks to my cheerleader elveatas for letting me bounce ideas off her and talking me down when I was worried certain things wouldn't make sense.
> 
> Also, thank you to reverie_indigo for his work on an earlier draft of this. He gave some great suggestions and beta help early on.
> 
> Any mistakes left are of my own doing.
> 
> Like I said, the story is close to my heart for personal reasons. I have some experience with schizophrenia, but it doesn't mean I know everything. I tried to be as accurate as I could.
> 
> Fusion with the movie "Benny & Joon"
> 
> Warnings: Contains talk of mental illnesses, specifically schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, brief mention of past suicide attempt, dark thoughts, talk of prescription drugs and their effects.

  
[](http://s880.photobucket.com/user/arT_Tard/media/SomeoneToSaveMe.jpg.html)   


_I know you can hear me! Would you stop -_

Arthur shut his eyes tightly and took in a few deep breaths. After several seconds of silence, he exhaled. The voice was gone...again. Hopefully, this time, it wouldn’t come back.

He gripped the marble bathroom countertop and stared at the fogged up bathroom mirror, his blurry image looking back at him. He did not have time for this today.

Stiffly walking out of the bathroom, as soon as he stepped into his room his gaze landed on the small black suit hanging off the back of the door. He hadn’t noticed it when he first woke up.

With a heavy sigh, he trudged over to it and took it off the hook. He dressed slowly. When it was time to put on his tie he looked down at it - the black silk tie went well with his dark red silk sheets. He picked it up and let it slide between his fingers.

His mother Ygraine had been the first person to teach him how to tie one. He was eight, and like today, he had been dressing for a funeral. At the time, it was already the second funeral he had attended. The first had been the funeral of his paternal grandfather Stewart, though he could barely remember that one since he was only four at the time.

Arthur had thought he could do it on his own, but when his mother had come into his room, she’d immediately started to giggle at the sorry state of his tie - the top knot far too loose, one end short and sticking out at an awkward angle.

She stroke a hand down his hair and knelt down to help him do it properly, letting him know exactly what to do. When she was done she stood up behind him and turned him around to look at his reflection. The tie was perfect and they shared a smile.

For a moment, the memory made him smile…until he remembered - his mother wasn’t there now and he was getting ready for her funeral, hers and his father’s.

It had been a week to the day when they both died in a car accident. For some reason they had left in the middle of the night and were run off the motorway by a driver who had fallen asleep at the wheel. 

Arthur would never forget the moment he was told the awful news. His half brother Lance had gently woken him up and, with wet eyes, told him their parents were dead. The last thing he remembered that day was his brother giving him a hug, which Arthur had not returned.

He had been numb and in a daze for days after. The first thing he could remember doing was when he had woken up in the middle of the night two days later with a sudden need to look through family photos.

It had been nice to go through the two albums and remember happier times. It had been at that time when he had first heard the voice in his head - _her_ voice.

He had been looking at a picture of him and his half sister Morgana. It had been a picture of the two of them sitting by the pond in their backyard, not long after the first time Morgana had come home from the hospital. 

Two years later she was dead after fighting a short and brave battle against leukemia. 

Arthur had been looking at the picture and suddenly he heard her. It was fuzzy at first, but soon he could make it out and he would recognize that voice anywhere.

It was a bit frightening to start off with, but Arthur decided to chalk it up to his stress and grief. Truly, he had missed her so much he didn’t question it too hard.

That first night he heard her voice, as he was looking at the photo album she would just narrate the pictures he was looking at. Sometimes she would start talking about things Arthur could barely remember - he figured he must have been too young.

Over the next few days, her voice would speak to him sporadically. What was at first welcome started to annoy him - and worry him. 

Suddenly Arthur was jostled from his thoughts by a loud scraping sound from upstairs. Arthur wasn’t sure if he was annoyed by it or not. Lately things around the Pendragon mansion were so quiet that even the sound of someone clearing his throat could seem as loud as the heralding of a trumpet. 

Aside from Arthur and Lance, the only other person who lived in the house now was their Uncle Agravaine. The various maids and butlers all did their jobs efficiently but quietly, afraid of the wrath of Agravaine if they disturbed him. But the last couple of days had been different. All kinds of people tramped through the house, slamming doors constantly, clanging pots, and rearranging the furniture with accompanying creaks and groans as they prepared for the wake.

Running his hands through his hair, Arthur realized he needed to hurry things along. He marched over to the white dresser in the front of his room and quickly tied his tie while looking at himself in the mirror.

After that was done he went back to the bathroom and started to comb his hair. His hair was slicked back, the way he knew his father would have liked it, but there were just a few blonde hairs sticking up in front.

No matter how much he brushed it just wouldn't stick down. Growling, he threw his brush down in the sink. He tried to take deep breaths to calm down, but it wasn’t working.

He tugged at his collar. It felt like something was choking him and cutting off his airway. He blinked furiously as sweat began to trickle into his eyes. As he wiped the moisture from his forehead he thought about how much he just wanted the day to be over and it had barely even begun.

Arthur buried his face in his hands and sucked in a deep breath. When he let it out slowly that seemed to help. His hands slid down his face and he stared into the mirror. 

When he felt a hand against his back, he jumped. Quickly looking behind him, he saw his brother watching him with a concerned expression - which seemed to be his face’s default position lately.

“When did you get here?” Arthur asked.

Lance’s brow furrowed. “A few minutes ago. I just tried to get your attention, but you were just staring off into space.”

Arthur swallowed. He didn’t remember Lance coming in at all. He scrubbed a hand down his face. When he glanced back at his brother, the combination of concern and sympathy on his face was too much. “I guess I was distracted. I do have a lot on my mind.” 

He brushed past Lance and strode toward his walk-in closet in the corner and grabbed his shoes. Then he walked back to his bed and started to put them on. Lance was still watching him as he leaned against the door jamb.

“I’m sorry. I know that. Believe me, I do.” Lance ran a hand through his wavy brown hair. “I wasn’t much younger than you when my father died.”

“I know that.” It came out more defensive than Arthur had intended.

Lance just nodded. “I’m just saying I’m here to talk if you need me.”

“I don’t feel much like talking, thank you.” Arthur sat up as he finished with his shoes.

Lance pursed his lips and then suddenly walked over and knelt at Arthur’s feet. He took hold of Arthur’s left shoe and slipped it off. “Your shoes look a bit dull.” He took a handkerchief out the front pocket of his suit jacket and began to shine Arthur’s shoe.

Arthur wanted to tell him it was unnecessary but Lance looked up at him with a slight grin.

“Uther would never forgive me if I let you wear shoes this dull in public, especially to his funeral.” Lance glanced up at Arthur and then continued. “I remember when I was thirteen and we had that holiday party here. It was my first truly formal event. Uther came into my room as I was getting dressed and when he looked down at my brown faded leather shoes, he made a big show of marching me to the rubbish bin and had me throw them out. Then he took me out and bought me black wingtip shoes. They were terribly uncomfortable, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him so.”

Arthur nodded. That sounded like Lance, willing to go through a little pain to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings.

“Even though they were brand new he showed me how to polish them. He said…” Lance chuckled. “I’ll never forget this. He said ‘if you can’t see your reflection in your shoes you may as well walk around barefoot like some pauper.’”

Arthur snorted. That definitely sounded like something his father would say. 

He smiled down at Lance. It was the first time he’d laughed in days. As much as he liked to give his brother a hard time, he appreciated what he was trying to do for him. He chewed on his bottom lip. “Th-thank you, Lance.”

Lance paused his cleaning and looked up at Arthur with wide eyes. 

“I know that I don’t say that often, but I appreciate this. I know that you’re going through a lot, too.” He sighed. “You must miss Mother, too.”

Lance’s eyes clouded over and he blew out a breath as he went back to work. “I do. It’s hard being here without her. Mum is – was …” He sighed. “Mum made everything better.”

Arthur closed his eyes. He couldn’t disagree with that.

“But I actually miss Uther, too.” Lance leaned back on his heels. “When I moved here everything was so...awkward, but he was always kind to me and he didn’t have to be.”

Arthur let out a small laugh and shook his head. “Yes, he did. Our mother wouldn’t have had it any other way.”

When Lance looked up his eyes were glistening and he gave Arthur a warm smile, which Arthur tried to return as best he could.

Lance gestured to Arthur’s shoes. “How do they look?”

Arthur glanced at them and then grinned at Lance. “I can see my reflection in them.”

Lance chuckled and then stood up. “Then my work here is done.”

Getting up too, Arthur walked over to his dresser and began to tidy up.

Lance cleared his throat. “At the service Agravaine will give a reading. They asked me if you wanted to say anything. I thought that you might like to, but I know that things have been difficult for you. If you want to say something, Arthur, you can.”

When Arthur turned around Lance was looking at him expectantly. Arthur really couldn’t imagine getting up in front of anyone and sharing his feelings. “I really don’t think I can.”

“That’s all right. It’s up to you.” Lance nodded.

Arthur could sense that Lance was a bit disappointed.

Staring down at the ground, Lance wrung his hands. When he looked up, he opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it just as quickly. Finally he cleared his throat. “Arthur, I…” He trailed off and then walked towards Arthur. “It’s really okay if you don’t want to make speech at the service. And I don’t want to keep pestering you to talk to me. If I’m bothering you just tell me to bugger off. I just want you to know that whatever you need, I’m here for you. No matter what.”

Looking into his brother’s eyes, Arthur knew that Lance was being truly sincere and that he might be the perfect person to talk to. He really needed to tell someone about hearing Morgana.

Arthur let out a long breath. “Lance, have you ever hear something that didn’t make sense?”

Lance furrowed his brow. “You heard something that confused you?”

“No. Well, actually, yes.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s more…have you ever heard something - like a person’s voice - that you knew was impossible to hear?”

Lance still looked confused, but he seemed to be trying to work it out in his head. “A voice? Have you been hearing voices?”

Before Arthur could respond, they both jumped at the sound of Arthur’s bedroom door swinging open. Their Uncle Agravaine strode into the room. He looked between the two of them and his lip curled.

“Why are you two lazing about in here? We need to be leaving for the church.”

Arthur closed his eyes and shook his head. Their uncle always did have horrible timing. 

Lance muttered something under his breath Arthur couldn’t hear. When Arthur opened his eyes, he could see Lance glaring at Agravaine.

It sometimes irked Arthur that Lance was so even tempered and was basically nice to everyone. The one exception being their uncle. For some reason when the two had first met they never really hit it off. The frost between them had only grown colder as Lance got older and started to be able to fight back.

Lance took a deep breath. “Uncle, I was just having a private word with Arthur. I was going over some details about the funeral, so if you don’t mind…” He gestured toward the door.

Either Agravaine was obtuse or he was determined to ignore everything Lance said because he marched further into the room without taking the hint. “About the funeral arrangements, I noticed that there is no caviar for the wake.”

Lance crossed his arms over his chest. “Yes.”

Agravaine rolled his eyes. “My sister and her husband were pillars of the community and it reflects poorly on them and our family to be seen serving a meal hardly fit for a peasant on the street. I know your father raised you without any real culture, but I had hoped you would know better, Lancelot.”

Arthur could see Lance clench his hands into fists and he really couldn't blame him. Arthur loved his uncle, but he sometimes made Uther look laid-back and fun by comparison.

He was being especially unfair right now since it wasn’t right to leave most of the funeral planning to Lance. A seventeen year old should not have to plan his own mother’s funeral by himself. Arthur wanted to say something, but he tried to stay out of their fights. 

“I’m sorry, uncle for making such an _enormous_ oversight. Perhaps if you had helped me such a mistake could have been avoided,” Lance said, his voice dripping with disdain.

Agravaine scoffed. “I was, and am, grieving for my beloved sister. Unlike the two of you, we were very close. I would have hoped that you could have handled the responsibility without whining about it, but alas, you have disappointed me once again.” He turned to Arthur and tutted. “And look at you.”

Arthur glanced down at himself in confusion.

His uncle stepped over to him and immediately started undoing his tie. “This doesn’t look right at all. What simpleton taught you how to do this?”

Arthur narrowed his eyes. “My mother.” 

Agravaine dropped the ends of the tie as if he had been burned. “Uh…” He slowly backed away.

It was rare to see Agravaine speechless.

Arthur started to retie it, but Lance stepped in front of him. “Let me?” Arthur paused briefly and then nodded.

Agravaine cleared his throat. “Fine, well hurry and get then done. I suggest we leave as soon as possible so we don’t arrive at the service late.” He spun around and left.

Lance rolled his eyes. “I still can’t get over it. I think about Mum and I have trouble remembering the two of them were related, they’re so different. It feels as if all of the oxygen gets sucked out of the room when he walks in. Everything becomes darker. How is it that he’s still here and Mum and Uther aren’t? It’s not fair.”

“Lancelot!” Arthur was taken aback that Lance could say something that dark.

Blinking rapidly, Lance looked down at the floor. “I-I didn’t mean it like that.” He paused as he was finishing Arthur’s tie. “I shouldn’t have said it. No matter how much I don’t like him, he doesn’t deserve that. He is still family.”

Arthur nodded. “He is. No matter how much of a pain he can be we’re lucky to have him. He’s all we’ve got.”

“That’s not true.” Lance finished and slid the knot of the tie up to Arthur’s neck. “We have each other.”

Arthur frowned. “No, we don’t.”

Lance fell back a step. Every part of him seemed to droop suddenly. “Why would you say that?”

Arthur sighed. “Because in a year you’ll be going off to university and then our uncle will truly be all that I have. So, I would appreciate it if you don't wish ill for him. With our family’s luck something likely will happen and then where would I be?”

Lance swallowed thickly. He massaged the back of his neck and grunted. “You’re right.”

It hadn’t been Arthur’s intention to make Lance feel bad. He wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about Lance going away soon. He’d grown up most of his life without him and it felt like he was just getting used to having him around. But they weren’t particularly close and Arthur was starting to think it was better that way. It would make Lance leaving easier.

Looking down at his tie, Arthur was impressed with the job Lance had done. “It doesn’t look bad.”

Slowly Lance looked up. He seemed distracted as he nodded.

“Did Mother teach you how to did it?” Arthur asked with genuine curiosity.

Lance pursed his lips. “No. It was my father’s second wife Katrina. She was a horrid woman, but appearances meant the world to her. Her vanity had its advantages.”

“I can see that.” Arthur turned to look at himself in the mirror. He looked as well as he could. He wasn’t ready to get started, but they couldn’t put it off forever. Finally, he turned back to his brother. “We should head out. You don’t want to deal with Uncle Agravaine’s wrath again.”

Lance nodded. They walked towards the door when suddenly Lance grabbed his elbow. “I’m sorry I forgot about before. You were going to tell me something before Uncle came in. You were hearing voices?”

Arthur rubbed at his forehead. He really didn’t want to deal with this now. It was probably for the best not to worry Lance for no reason. “Uh...it was Mother. I’ve just felt her around, sometimes I think I hear her and I realize it’s just a memory.”

Lance put his hand on Arthur’s shoulder. His eyes clouded over and small grim smile formed on his face. “The same thing happened to me when my father died.”

“Really?” Arthur’s head jerked up and his eyes widened. 

Smiling a little wider, Lance nodded.

That wasn’t what Arthur had expected. He had expected some sympathy and maybe some worried looks, but not for Lance to empathize so much. Even though he had made up the detail about their mother, Arthur felt some relief with Lance’s response. Maybe hearing Morgana wasn’t so peculiar after all.

Arthur gave his brother a small smile and they headed out to the limo together. It was a ride filled mostly with uncomfortable silences. Agravaine seemed to be going over notes for his speech. Lance seemed lost in thought - when he wasn’t glaring at Agravaine or shooting Arthur concerned looks.

For most of the ride, Arthur just closed his eyes and tried to prepare. He had spent most of the week isolated and he wasn’t sure how he would handle everyone there and all of the sympathy and all of the questions and especially everyone wanting to touch him in some way.

They immediately took their seats in the front row when they arrived. Agravaine got up to speak to some of the arriving guests. A few people came up to Lance and Arthur to express their condolences, including their next door neighbor Annis Knight and her two sons, Gwaine and Leon. 

It startled Arthur to see Gwaine so solemn and at a loss for words. Gwaine was his best friend and normally his mouth was always flapping and the jokes would come a mile a minute. But right now his lips were pressed together and he was holding on tightly to his mother’s hand. 

The family took their seats behind Lance and Arthur.

Soon after, the service began. The minister said a few words and then turned it over to Agravaine. He began to speak...and twenty minutes later he was still somehow up there. Arthur and Lance shared a look. Arthur could tell that Lance must be inwardly rolling his eyes as well.

Agravaine had moved on from waxing poetic about the deep bond between him and his sister and began to talk about his relationship with Uther.

“When my sister introduced me to Uther, we didn’t take to each other very well,” Agravaine said with surprising candor. “Uther was as strong-willed, and some would say, bull-headed as I.” Agravaine paused to laugh, which sounded fake to Arthur’s ears. “But we both loved and adored my sister and I came to truly respect him, as he did me.”

_This is so wrong._

Arthur’s eyes darted back and forth as he searched the room, though it was unnecessary. He knew where the voice was coming from. She was back.

_Agravaine and Father hated each other. Everyone knows that. He’s not fooling anyone._

Arthur blew out a breath. This wasn’t a memory. This wasn’t right. “Stop,” he muttered.

Lance leaned towards him and spoke into his ear. “I know this is taking forever, but he should be done soon.” He looked towards the front of the room and then back to Arthur with a grimace. “Hopefully.” He grinned.

Arthur just gave him a shaky nod.

When he turned back to look at his uncle, he almost breathed a sigh of relief when he didn’t hear Morgana’s voice again. But that only lasted for a few seconds.

_In ancient times, they didn’t have funerals. Not really. They would just burn the dead on a pyre. No boring speeches required._

This was not what he needed right now. He closed his eyes and hoped it would stop.

_I never realized how much he loved to hear his own voice. At this rate you’ll be here until your own funeral._

Suddenly Arthur felt a hand on his shoulder. When Arthur opened his eyes he saw that everyone in the church’s eyes were on him. He turned to Lance and there was a deep groove in his forehead as he stared at Arthur in confusion and worry.

Everyone in the church turned to look at them. Agravaine’s eyes narrowed.

Arthur wasn’t sure what happened. He hoped he hadn’t started talking to himself. He threw a look over his shoulder at Gwaine and Leon. They both gave him small smiles. Arthur nodded towards them and then turned back in his seat and sunk down.

Agravaine resumed speaking. “Uther was a man that I trusted with my sister’s life. He thought the world of her, and she of him. I think we can all hope to find a love like theirs.”

_If I could, I would throw up._

There was a sudden, loud snort and it took a moment before Arthur realized it was coming from him.

“Arthur?” Lance said in a hushed tone. He looked utterly bewildered.

His laughter trailed off and Arthur turned to Lance. “I’m sorry, I just…” He laughed loudly once again.

Agravaine glared at Lance. “Do something.”

Lance looked between his fuming uncle and his brother.

Try as he might, once he really got going, Arthur couldn’t contain his laughter and started giggling in earnest. Lance took hold of his arm gently. He had to tug several times before Arthur budged and he could drag him, still laughing, from the church. 

Almost as soon as they stepped outside, Arthur began to get a hold of himself. Lance let go of his arm. “Arthur…what was that?”

Arthur looked down at the ground and rubbed at his eyes. Everything felt fuzzy and like it was happening to someone else. “What?”

“Why were you laughing?”

Arthur looked at the doors behind him and stared blankly for a moment. He remembered hearing Morgana’s voice and he even remembered laughing at the end, but everything else felt unclear. “I-I-I don’t know.”

Lance shook his head and bit his lip. “Arthur, I’m…” He trailed off, swallowing thickly. “I’m worried. You’re laughing for no reason. You’re hearing voices.” 

Arthur rubbed his forehead and tried to shake the cobwebs out of his mind. “You said that was normal.”

Lance nodded. “I know, but…” He took hold of Arthur’s shoulders careful not to squeeze too hard. “I’m not saying that what’s happening isn’t normal exactly, but clearly you’re going through something. I know you don’t want to talk to me, but maybe there’s someone else...”

Arthur blinked up at Lance. “Someone else? Do you mean a shrink?”

“Yes.” Lance gulped.

Arthur’s expression hardened and he backed away from Lance. “Do you think I’m crazy?”

Lance’s eyes bulged. “No! I didn’t say that at all. I wasn’t suggesting that you were the only one that needed to talk to someone. I need to as well. This is an incredibly difficult time.”

“‘A difficult time?’” Arthur repeated, speaking in a low growl. The way Lance was talking to him was too much. He was so condescending and he was getting so sick of Lance looking at him like he was a wounded bird.““A difficult time?” I didn’t just lose a polo match or get rejected by some silly crush at school. Both of my parents just died. Our mother is gone. I think I’m allowed to act a bit strangely.” 

Lance opened and closed his mouth several times. “Arthur, I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“Well, I don’t need that from you. Look, Lance, I barely know you and I know you mean well but you need to stop pretending that you’re someone that I can rely on.” Lance opened his mouth to speak, but Arthur cut him off. “You told me before to tell you to bugger off when you were bothering me - well bugger off!” Arthur whirled around and stormed back into the church.

He closed the doors behind him and thumped the back of his head against it. Everyone was staring - he could almost feel their stares boring into him, but he ignored them. He decided then and there that he would just ignore Morgana’s voice if it happened again. It was just happening because of stress. He had to believe it was bound to stop eventually.

 

~*~

 

_Three Years Later_

This was all his fault.

That was the main thought that kept bouncing around Lance’s brain as he arrived in Camelot and broke speed records trying to get back to his old house. 

He had known for a while that something was not right with Arthur. He had gradually distanced himself from all of his friends. Last year, he’d suddenly quit the rugby team, which didn’t make any sense. If Lance wanted to strike up a non-awkward conversation with Arthur, he knew he could talk about rugby and Arthur would just light up. 

During Lance’s last visit back home, Arthur’s behavior had troubled him even more. Arthur would sleep all day. He was starting to lose weight. There were a couple of times he would walk in on Arthur staring into space, which seemed to last for more than a few minutes.

Talking to Arthur was no help. He would always just tell Lance that he was overreacting and needed to mind his own business. Trying to discuss his concerns with Agravaine was also a wasted effort. Agravaine was so self-involved he seemed to barely notice anything that was happening with Arthur and when Lance tried to talk about it Agravaine would brush him aside.

Despite what Arthur thought, Lance knew his brother, and he knew something wasn’t right. He should have pushed harder - Agravaine being Arthur’s legal guardian be damned. But he had reluctantly gone back to school. A few hours ago Leon had called to tell him that Arthur hadn’t been in school in a couple of days and when he and Gwaine went over to the mansion, Agravaine said that Arthur wasn’t feeling well, but he refused to let them inside.

Without even waiting to hang up, Lance made a dash for his car and drove all night. Gwaine and Leon told him they would meet him there. While there was no proof that anything terrible was happening, Lance had a bad feeling.

He briefly sighed with relief when he pulled into the massive driveway. Lance immediately spotted Gwaine’s blue Jetta. He ran over to them. Gwaine, Leon, Percival, who was Arthur’s rugby teammate and friend, were waiting just outside the front door.

“Hey, mate.” Gwaine pointed to Percival. “We brought reinforcements just in case you need to force your way in.”

Lance nodded to each of them. “I don’t think, well, I hope it won’t come to that.” He squeezed past Percival to get to the front door and looked back at Gwaine and Leon. “You haven’t seen Arthur at all?”

They both shook their heads.

Lance grumbled and turned to press the doorbell repeatedly. After the fourth time, Agravaine ripped the door open.

“What are you doing?”

Without a word, Lance slipped passed him. “I want to see my brother.”

Agravaine’s eyes darted from Lance to the three boys outside back to Lance who was making his way upstairs. Agravaine followed him. “You don’t live here any longer. You can’t just come in whenever you like.”

“This is still my mother’s home and my brother lives here. I’ll come here anytime I like, especially when you’re keeping my brother prisoner.” Lance didn’t bother to look back at him. He had a feeling if he stared too long at Agravaine’s weaselly face he’d start punching it and never stop.

“That is a preposterous accusation.” Agravaine bristled. “Arthur is merely not feeling well and I didn’t want those miscreant friends of his to come in here and make him feel worse. The well-being of my nephew is my only priority.”

Lance rolled his eyes. When he got to Arthur’s room, the door was closed. Lance gently knocked twice. He waited for a second and then grasped the brass doorknob. When he he saw that it was unlocked, he sighed, before he twisted the knob and opened the door. 

Nothing seemed particularly off at first. Arthur was sitting in the leather chair by his medium-sized black corner desk in the left corner of his room. His back was to the front of the room.

“Arthur?” Lance whispered. When Arthur didn’t respond, he cleared his throat. “Arthur?” He said a little louder. There was still no response from him.

Nervous and worried, Lance wiped his hands down his tan trousers. As he stood next to Arthur’s chair, Lance put his hand on his shoulder. “How are you feeling, Arthur?” He still had his hand on Arthur’s shoulder and Arthur hadn’t responded at all - not to flinch or completely brush it off. That wasn’t like Arthur.

Lance crouched down next to him and turned Arthur’s chair slightly. Arthur didn’t react to that. His blank expression didn’t change. Lance watched him. He wasn’t sure what was more disturbing - the dead-eyed expression or the fact he wasn’t blinking. 

He briefly waved a hand in front of Arthur’s face. There was still no response. He stared into Arthur’s unblinking eyes and wondered what he was thinking. Was he there at all? He had to stifle the urge to start sobbing.

Reaching out tentatively, Lance almost brushed his hand through Arthur’s blond hair but thought better of it.

So Lance lowered his hand and stood up with shaky legs. He patted Arthur’s shoulder. “You’re...you’re going to be all right, Arthur. I promise.”

He turned and glared at Agravaine. His uncle didn’t even have the grace to look a little bit guilty or even concerned at Arthur’s odd behavior. 

Lance jabbed his finger in Agravaine’s direction. “I want to talk to you outside.”

Agravaine crossed his arms over his chest. “You don’t give me orders in my own home. Who the hell do you think you are?”

It took everything within Lance not to shake him, either until he lost consciousness or until his personality altered and he wasn’t the selfish wanker standing before him. Lance just marched over and pushed Agravaine out the door. He closed it softly behind him.

“How could you-”

Agravaine turned his back on Lance and stomped down the stairs. “You need to leave my home!”

Lance chased after him. “That’s fine. I’m leaving with Arthur and I’m taking him to a hospital, which you should have done.” He spotted Percival, Leon, and Gwaine waiting in the foyer.

Agravaine whirled around at the bottom of the stairs. “That is unnecessary.”

“Unnecessary?!” Lance turned and pointed towards Arthur’s room. “Didn’t you see him?”

As if he wanted to send Lance’s anger into overdrive, Agravaine had the audacity to let out a put-upon sigh. “You are overreacting. He’s a sixteen-year-old boy. They all get moody at that age.”

Lance covered his face with his hands and almost laughed. “Are you the most ignorant daft sod in the world? Arthur is not having a typical adolescent tantrum. He’s staring at the walls and he can’t speak.”

“He _won’t_ speak,” Agravaine tried to correct him.

Lance shook his head. “Arthur isn’t doing this on purpose. Something is wrong! Why are you refusing to see that?”

Agravaine huffed and turned and walked through the foyer, purposely pushing through Leon and Gwaine, and into the den. He was pouring himself a drink at the bar when Lance walked in.

“You know, I think I was wrong earlier,” Lance said as he walked into the middle of the room and glared at his uncle. “You’re not stupid. You know exactly what you’re doing. If Arthur goes to the hospital, and especially, if they find out you weren’t protecting him like you’re supposed to, then you run the risk of losing access to Arthur’s money.” He turned and gestured towards the whole room. “You lose all of this. That’s what this is about, isn’t it?”

“You don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about.” Agravaine took a swig of the amber liquid in his glass.

“He’s right,” Gwaine said as he, Leon and Percival joined them. “My mother always said you’re a greedy tosser.”

Slamming his glass on top of the bar, Agravaine walked from behind it and sneered at them. “You can call me all the names you want, but it doesn’t matter. I have done my best with Arthur. He is my sister’s child. I would never turn my back on Arthur because she loved him.” His face turned cold and he narrowed his eyes as he looked Lance up and down. “Unlike you.”

“Don’t talk about her,” Lance said, his voice steely, as his hands tightened into fists.

“If you want real truth there it is. My sister could barely stand the sight of you.”

Lance let out a shaky breath. He knew it wasn’t true. He knew Agravaine was trying to hurt him. It surprised Lance how much Agravaine being so cruel hurt. They were family no matter what. There was never any love lost between them but that he could be so vicious and so expertly zero in on Lance’s insecurities about his mother made Lance feel sick.

“Don’t listen to him, Lance.” Leon stepped beside him.

“The best thing that ever happened to my sister was leaving you behind.” Agravaine continued to push.

Lance took in a deep breath. “You need to shut your gob.” He tried to keep his voice as steady as possible even though his hurt was quickly turning into a rage he’d never felt before.

“You represented the worst part of my sister. She never needed you.”

“I’m warning you…”

Gwaine gripped Lance’s shoulder and turned him to look at him. “He’s just trying to upset you and distract you. We just need to take Arthur and leave.” 

“My nephew is not going anywhere. I am his legal guardian and I get to decide what is best for him,” Agravaine asserted. He stepped closer to Lance. “You don’t get to come in here and try and play hero to your brother. He doesn’t need you any more than my sister did. You were the worst thing that ever happened to her.”

Lance blinked at Agravaine. One part - the part that he usually listened to - told him to just walk away. But the other part…

Suddenly, he lunged at his uncle. He had him pinned to the ground before anyone had the time to react. The first punch hurt made his hand hurt like hell, but it also felt intensely satisfying in a way Lance hadn’t felt in a long time, which was probably why he kept doing it. He landed another three punches in quick succession.

It was over quickly when Lance felt two huge arms across his midsection haul him off his bleeding uncle. Instead of fighting Percival, Lance calmed down instantly. He stared down in horror at his hands and then at Agravaine, who was slowly trying to get on his feet.

Lance pushed himself off the wall of Percival’s chest. “Uncle, I am sorry. I should not have done that.”

“Save it,” Agravaine spit out, literally spitting out some blood. “I’m going to have you arrested. I should have done it a long time ago for what you did to my sister.”

“Stop saying that! I loved my mother. I never did anything to her!” Lance yelled.

Agravaine let out a cruel laugh. “It’s so sad that you think that...that she let you believe that. The truth, dear nephew, is if something is happening to Arthur - if something is wrong with him - it’s because of you. Your mother and your brother’s sickness is your fault!”


	2. Chapter 2

_Ten Years Later_

This was the worst idea ever. Arthur turned and glared at his walking companion as she stopped and bent over to catch her breath. They’d only been walking for ten minutes and this was the second time she’d stopped.

He hadn’t wanted to go on this stupid walk in the first place, but it was Lance’s idea. _Isolation isn’t good for you_ , he said. So Arthur decided to appease him and agreed to go on a walk around the neighborhood with Grunhilda his jailer, his babysitter, his walking shadow - or as Lance referred to her the housekeeper.

In truth, Arthur didn’t really care about the isolation. He preferred it that way but he needed to give his brother something otherwise he would probably jump to conclusions and assume the new medication wasn’t working. And if that happened Arthur would have to switch his drug regimen; it would be the sixth change in eight years. Enough was enough.

Grunhilda popped back up and ran a thick hand through her short, curly gray hair. “I think I’m all right now. Probably should have had some water before we left, but no matter. Off we go then.”

Arthur rolled his eyes and followed after her.

“I think we’re few houses away from Geoffrey’s house. He’s the librarian I have my eye on. I’m not sure if he fancies me but he always listens when I corner him at the market.” Grunhilda prattled on.

If he cared at all, he’d probably feel a measure of pity for Geoffrey. But he didn’t, so he quickly tuned out Grunhilda as she continued to babble. Rubbing at his eyes he looked down at the street. To keep himself awake he watched his feet as they took one step and then another. He felt so sluggish, it felt like he was moving through quicksand. He briefly wondered if the side effects of his medication were kicking in, but since he’d only been on it for two weeks, he doubted it.

Grunhilda gripped his arm, which he pulled back right away and threw her a dirty look. She knew better than to touch him.

She bit her lip and looked appropriately chastened. “Sorry, Arthur. I just wanted you to know we’re at Eglington Terrace, where your friend Leon lives. Do you want to see him?”

Arthur looked down the long street and the pretty houses. He gulped. It had been quite a long time since he’d seen Leon or his brother even though they both worked with Lance. Arthur couldn’t even remember how long it had been. He glanced over at Grunhilda and shook his head. Then he took off in the opposite direction without waiting for her.

He looked down at his watch. They should probably be heading back soon. It was almost time for Arthur to write in his journal. It was something that Lance had suggested, though really it was Arthur’s psychiatrist’s, Gaius Scott, suggestion. Even though he hated to admit it, writing in it was actually helpful and something he mostly looked forward to. It was the one time he really could focus and get his thoughts together.

“Watch out!” Grunhilda put her hand across Arthur’s chest.

He looked up in time to see a small black car whizzing past them and down the road. Arthur hadn’t even noticed it. It was a little embarrassing that he was so distracted he hadn’t seen it. He turned to Grunhilda and nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Arthur.” Grunhilda grinned. “Lance would be very unhappy with me if I let you get splattered on the road.”

Arthur grimaced. “Yeah, I wouldn’t have been particularly chuffed about it, either.”

She laughed. They crossed the road and Grunhilda pointed to their left. “Ooh, there’s Camelot Library. That’s where Geoffrey works.”

Arthur sighed. “Yes, I’m aware. I’ve only lived here my whole bloody life,” he muttered under his breath.

Other than a short business trip his father took to France with the whole family - including Morgana - when Arthur was seven, he’d never been anywhere other than Camelot. It was just one of many thoughts that depressed and made him think his life had been a complete waste so far.

It wasn’t that he hated Camelot. In many ways, Arthur thought it was the perfect place to live, especially for him. It was a fairly quiet city, not too large or too small, and there was plenty to do (not that Arthur got out much) and if you couldn’t find a way to occupy your time there, London was only an hour away.

But when Arthur was younger he had fantasies of being an explorer and thought he would never settle in one place for too long - the world was just too big. He didn’t have those kinds of fantasies anymore. The world felt incredibly small.

They were now nearing Albion Square.

“Ooh, over there is the Lionheart diner,” Grunhilda exclaimed.

Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. “I know.” 

He looked across the zebra crossing and paused. Now that they were at Albion Square they weren’t far from the motorway - the motorway where his parents died. He tried to avoid going near there.

“Oh, and over there-”

“For Christ’s sake!” Arthur threw up his hands. “I don’t need you to narrate. I know everywhere here. I’m not a bloody tourist! All you are required to do is take me on a walk - like a dog. And like a dog there really doesn’t need to be a lot of dialogue involved.” He glanced down at his watch. “And now we need to head back.”

Grunhilda frowned. “But we’ve only been out for twenty minutes.”

“That’s too bad. We have a schedule to keep. It’s not my problem that you don’t know how to manage your time effectively!” He whirled around and stomped off without her.

He tried to go as fast as possible, but he was still feeling low energy and Grunhilda managed to catch up to him. About five minutes later, he heard Grunhilda shout and he rolled his eyes heavenward. “What now?” When he turned around he saw Grunhilda crouched down and digging into her shoe. 

“I think some kind of pebble got into my shoe.”

Arthur groaned and threw his head back and looked up at the overcast sky. When he looked down he was startled to see someone - a boy - sitting atop the big maple tree next to the house they were standing in front of. 

This was definitely unusual...at least he assumed it was since he didn’t get out much. He closed his eyes tightly. He’d never really had visual hallucinations before, but it could be a side effect of the new meds. But when he opened his eyes the boy was still there. 

The strange boy stared unblinking at Arthur. It was unnerving - and coming from Arthur that was quite a feat. But there was something Arthur found about the boy - who was sporting a black fedora - that was intriguing to him. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was.

Finally, he shook himself from the trance the boy seemed to have him under and he looked down at Grunhilda. “Get up, Grunhilda. There is someone staring at me.”

Grunhilda peered up at him with her brow furrowed. “What?” She took her time standing up. Suddenly she giggled. “My phone is vibrating. I better get it, it could be your brother.”

“He’ll call back,” Arthur shot back immediately. He pointed to the house behind her. “There is a man in a…” Arthur trailed off as he turned his gaze back to the house and saw nobody there. “...Tree,” he finished.

With a confused look, Grunhilda turned around. When she saw nothing out of the ordinary, she looked back at Arthur. “There was a man in a tree?”

“I...w...yes!” Arthur stared at the tree again. He wasn’t sure how the boy could have got down so quickly.

Grunhilda’s expression softened and when she spoke to Arthur her voice was very gentle. “You’re probably right and we should get you home.”

Growling, Arthur was a bit embarrassed when he actually stamped his foot. He hated when anyone talked to him in that simpering, condescending tone. “Don’t talk to me like that. I am not crazy. There was…” He blew out a harsh breath. “Just forget it.” He left a sputtering Grunhilda behind.

His anger fueled the rest of the walk back home. He felt like he must have gotten back in record time. Glancing behind him, he saw that Grunhilda was still a ways behind. When he got to the black front door, he cocked his head to the side. There was a package at the door. He wondered what that could be.

 

~*~

 

“So, Miss Sinclair…”

The young blonde woman sidled closer to Lance. “I told you to call me Vivian.”

Lance smiled briefly even as he tried to back away from her, ending up pressed against the door. “Vivian. My associate Mr. Knight said that you needed our assistance because you were afraid for your safety.”

Vivian nodded. “Yes. I’m terrified,” she said in a monotone voice, and then smiled. “Tea?”

“What?”

“Would you like some tea?” Vivian asked again.

“Oh.” Lance gave her a genuine smile. “Yes, thank you.”

Vivian grabbed Lance’s arm and led him over to the huge white sofa in her family room. “Please have a seat.” She shoved Lance down.

As she rushed out of the room, Lance felt a vibration against his leg and fished his phone out of his pocket. He looked at the ID screen briefly then rolled his eyes, thrusting the phone unceremoniously back into his pocket. He refused to deal with that right now. He was here for business and he would not be distracted.

Vivian sauntered back into the room with a large tray filled with a large pitcher of iced tea and scones. She laid the tray down in front of Lance, shoving her ample cleavage in his face. “Sugar?”

Lance shook his head. “No, thank you.”

Lance expected Vivian to take a seat in the chair across from his but was surprised when Vivian sat next to him instead. Any closer and she would have been in his lap. He turned his head towards her slowly. 

She looked up at him with big brown eyes. “Is this alright?”

Lancelot shrugged. “It’s fine. It’s your house. You can sit wherever you like.” He reached over and took a sip of his tea. “I’m a bit surprised that you don’t have a maid.”

“Oh, I do, but it’s her day off. I don’t want to work my staff too hard. I don’t want to become one of those spoiled actresses who can never do anything for themselves.”

Lance thought about some of the stories he’d heard about Vivian that contradicted this, but he didn’t want to judge her based on gossip -- that wouldn’t be fair. He picked up her case file and grinned warmly at her. “That’s a really lovely attitude.”

Vivian beamed before suddenly shuddering. “Oooh!” She squealed. “Someone’s vibrating.”

Lancelot looked down and shook his head. “Sorry,” he said as he retrieved his phone again and gave the caller ID a cursory glance. He switched the phone to silent and put it on the coffee table.

Vivian eyed the phone and tapped rhythmically on her cup. “Is that your girlfriend?”

Lance looked up from the paperwork in his hand. “What?” He looked over at his phone. “Oh...no.”

Vivian exhaled. “Good.”

Lance cocked an eyebrow at her.

“I don’t mean good. It’s always better to have someone than to not have someone.” She stuttered and gave a nervous giggle. “I just meant that I admire you for putting your work first.”

Lance worried his lip for a moment, pondering how wrong Vivian was. He loved his job, but his family came first...usually. But he didn’t want to get into that with a client. “I take my job very seriously.” He waved the manila folder at her. “And speaking of my job - ”

Vivian cut him off. “That’s why I decided to hire your security company. You came very highly recommended from a friend of mine. Perhaps you remember her...Elena Godwin.”

Lance smiled at the thought of Elena - she had been his company’s first client. He had always wanted to serve and protect people and when he was younger he’d had aspirations to one day join MI-5 or become a royal bodyguard. He’d even gone to school to study criminology, but clearly things got in the way and changed those plans. With money he had inherited from his mother he opened his own company - Albion Security - and hired Gwaine and Leon to work security and help him run the business. 

They hadn’t had much success until Elena Godwin had hired them after she received some threatening letters. She had gone to school with Leon, and more importantly was the daughter of a Member of Parliament.

Needless to say, after the culprit was caught and Lord Godwin had given them a personal meeting to express his gratitude, their little company wasn’t quite so little anymore. They were meeting daily with new clients and their success was very satisfying, if a little overwhelming.

“Of course I remember Elena,” he said, nodding. “How is she doing?”

“She’s very well. When I told her of my troubles she recommended you right away.”

“I’ll have to thank her,” Lance replied. “Now, getting back to your troubles, it says in my file that you’re having issues with a stalker.”

Vivian frowned briefly. “Yes. His name is Valiant Thomas. We dated for a short time and when I ended things, he took it rather badly. Though I can’t really blame him after losing all this.” She gestured to herself.

Lance pursed his lips and refrained from saying anything about that comment. She certainly did have a healthy ego. Out of the corner of his eye, Lance saw his phone light up. Ignoring it was getting harder and harder; he was almost 100% positive that whatever it was would turn out not to be an emergency of any kind, yet if there were even a remote chance that something terrible had happened and he’d ignored the texts, he’d never forgive himself.

But he decided to forge ahead. He turned back to Vivian. “Has Mr. Thomas exhibited any threatening behavior?”

Vivian scrunched her nose. “Not...quite. He’s called repeatedly. He said he’s inconsolable without me and if I don’t take him back I’ll regret it for the rest of my days…’however long that will be.’ Those last words were his.” Vivian grabbed Lance’s arm and buried her face in his shoulder. “I’m terribly frightened.”

Lance tried to keep a professional distance from his clients, especially his female ones. He wasn’t sure how to respond to Vivian’s clinginess. He patted her arm quickly. “I promise no harm will come to you Vivian.”

Vivian looked up at him, batting her eyelashes. “Really?”

His mind elsewhere, Lance nodded absently. He saw his phone light up yet again and decided he couldn’t ignore it any longer. “I’m very sorry, Vivian. But I have to take this. It’ll just be a moment.” He grabbed his phone as he tried to release his arm from Vivian’s surprisingly firm grip. He finally extricated himself and moved to the foyer.

“Hello?”

“You need to come home.”

Lance sighed. His brother wasn’t much for formal greetings. “What is it, Arthur? Has something bad happened?”

“Yes. The worst thing imaginable.”

Lance’s eyes widened. Oh, God. He started to kick himself for ignoring Arthur’s texts. “What is it?”

“I’ve run out of ink.”

Lance blinked. “What?”

“I don’t have any more pens,” Arthur said in a matter-of-fact tone. “It’s a disaster.”

Lance briefly put down the phone and counted to five. When he put the phone back to his ear, he was gripping the handset so tightly he actually thought it might break. “Arthur, that is not an emergency and it is not the worst thing imaginable. I thought something terrible had happened.”

“Are you going deaf? Something terrible _has_ happened. I have no pens. If I don’t have any pens how can I be expected to write? This is the time of day that I write, Lancelot. You know that.”

Lance pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yes, I do. But just this once, can’t you find something else to do?”

“That’s not part of my routine. You’re the one who’s always prattling on about how I need structure and to keep to a schedule.” 

“I know. But I can’t rush home to bring you pens, so you’re going to have to wait, Arthur. I’m sorry,” Lance declared. He tried to be as firm with Arthur as he could, even though it wasn’t easy.

“Fine,” Arthur said. He stretched the word out slowly: f-i-i-i-ne. “I’ll find something else to do.”

The hairs on the back of Lance’s neck stood up. Arthur didn’t usually acquiesce that fast.

“I’ll see you soon,” Lance said.

“Right.” Arthur paused. “By the way, Grunhilda says she’s quitting.” The line went dead.

Lance’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, God.”

He hastily stuffed his phone into his trouser pocket as he rushed back into the pink family room where Vivian was waiting expectantly. “I have to go.”

“What?” Vivian sprang to her feet.

“I’m so sorry. I can assure you my company will be happy to take you on as a client. You can even schedule another consultation with my associates, Gwaine or Leon, and they will happily meet with you free of charge.”

“Gwaine or Leon?”

Lance nodded. “Yes. They are quite capable. You’ll be in very good hands.”

“But I don’t want to be in their hands. I want to be in your hands.” Her voice became shrill and desperate.

“I’m sorry but I have an emergency at home. It’s my brother.”

Vivian instantly became more subdued. She cast her eyes downward. “Oh, Arthur. I’ve heard about him. It’s such a shame. It must be so hard for you to have to deal with someone so cr...challenged.”

It should have unnerved him how quickly Vivian’s attitude changed but, unfortunately, Lance was used to this kind of reaction when it came to Arthur. His condition was fairly common knowledge in Camelot; a mentally ill millionaire was ripe for gossip. Lance knew how people regarded Arthur and how they pitied Lance. There was nothing he could do about it, but it still annoyed him. “Thank you for your understanding,” he mumbled to Vivian.

When he reached the door, Vivian grasped his upper arm. “If there’s anything I can do to help don’t hesitate to ask. I’m a very good listener.”

With a practiced forced smile, Lance pulled away and opened the door. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

After a quick debate over whether he should skip buying the pens - which he decided he should do since he knew how important writing in the journal was to Arthur - Lance dashed home. He assumed that Grunhilda would at least finish out the day. So he was blindsided when he arrived home and she came barreling out the front door and collided with him. 

Lance narrowly avoided falling on his arse and taking Grunhilda with him. The heavyset woman quickly rebounded and marched off again without sparing even a glance in Lance’s direction.

After doing a quick double take Lance caught up with her and blocked her path. He grabbed her shoulders gently, the plastic bag in his hand crinkling. “Grunhilda, what’s happening?”

The wild look in her eyes matched her wild hair. “I’m sorry, Lance. You are a dear man and I understand Arthur’s situation but I can’t put up with him any longer. I fear for my life.”

Lance jolted upright at her last statement. Arthur wasn’t always the easiest person to get along with, but he wasn’t violent - not usually. “You’re scared of Arthur? What happened? Did he hurt you or threaten you in any way?”

She shook her head. Instead of offering further elaboration, she bypassed Lance and walked on at a furious pace. 

Lance rolled his eyes heavenward and followed her once again. “I don’t understand. Grunhilda, you’ve always been able to handle Arthur.” For the first time ever Lance cursed the fact that their house wasn’t bigger as they reached the end of the front lawn swiftly and stopped at Grunhilda’s green Beetle in the driveway. Desperate, Lancelot darted around to block the driver side door before Grunhilda could reach for the handle. “Grunhilda, you can’t do this to me. I will give you a raise if that’s what it takes. I need someone to be here with Arthur.”

Grunhilda sighed and finally looked at Lance directly. “I’m sorry, Lancelot but Arthur is too unpredictable. You never know when he’s going to be calm and keep to himself and when he’s going to start hurling insults, or worse. Life is too short.” She gave him a small, thin smile. “I think perhaps it’s time that I concentrate on my own life. Find myself a nice man and family of my own.”

If he had been thinking at all the next words wouldn’t have come out of Lance’s mouth. “Isn’t a little late in life to worry about having a family of your own?” Lance’s eyes widened as soon as he heard what he’d said. 

Grunhilda’s mouth dropped open. Squawking loudly she pushed Lancelot out of the way, got into her car, and slammed the door closed.

Lance banged his hand against the window. “Grunhilda, I’m so sorry. You know I didn’t mean that. Please, I need you.”

Grunhilda rolled down her window. “I’ll expect my cheque at the end of the week.” She rolled the window back up and peeled out of the driveway.

Lance slumped and shook his head, overtaken by a strong sense of deja vu; Grunhilda was the fourth housekeeper in two years to quit. But Lance had started to naively hope that things had been getting better now that Grunhilda had been with them for a year. Arthur was as alternately caustic and distant from her as he was with everyone, but Grunhilda had seemed to have the patience of a saint. It was hard to imagine what could have been the final straw for her.

There was no time for him to ruminate on this latest loss; he had to make sure that Arthur was okay. Arthur may have had no use for Grunhilda, but Lance knew that he had started to get used to her.

Lance ran a hand through his hair as he trudged toward the large, black front door. When he opened it, he stood paralysed at the sight that greeted him. The bag in his hand fell to the floor. Arthur stood in the middle of the room, tall and unblinking, holding a long and rather impressive-looking sword. 

Arthur was wearing a ratty red t-shirt and gray sweatpants that were frayed a bit at the bottom, but the sunlight at his back bathed him in a golden light, and the stern look on his face made him look almost...regal. 

He soon put that thought out of his head and blinked at his brother. Then he closed the door behind him and took a cautious step forward. 

“Arthur...uh...” He swallowed down his nerves. If Arthur had relapsed, this was serious, especially since he had just been put on his fifth new drug regimen two weeks ago and if they had to start again Arthur would be upset. But before he worried about that he had to make sure that Arthur really had relapsed and, well, get the sword away from him regardless.

Lance took another step forward and slowly raised his hand. “Arthur, what are you doing with that sword?”

Arthur brought the sword up to Lance’s neck. Even though he was a few feet away Lance froze. “Kneel before your king, you insolent peasant.”

Inside his head Lance was screaming. He really thought this delusion was gone. He tried to figure out how he missed any warning signs that Arthur was getting so much worse. When Arthur was like this “unpredictable” didn’t even begin to cover it. 

As if to prove his point, Arthur lowered the sword as quickly as he had raised it. His stern expression melted into one of boredom as he rolled his eyes. “My God, you’re just as ridiculous as Grunhilda.” He then turned and walked down the narrow corridor.

Lance gaped at Arthur as he turned the corner, out of Lance’s sight. Soon enough, Lance recovered and followed Arthur into the study. 

Arthur put the sword down haphazardly on the desk and then picked up a fluffy red blanket from a couch in the corner of the room, wrapped it around himself and flopped down.

Picking up the discarded sword, Lance examined it. The sword was beautiful, obviously of high quality with intricate detailing. There was a solid gold strip down the middle with words in some kind of ancient language Lance didn’t recognise. He put the sword down and walked toward Arthur, who did his best to avoid his questioning gaze. 

Lance sighed. “Arthur, are you still...Do you think...?”

“That I’m King Arthur?” He raised his eyebrow. “No. Despite what you may think that psychosis is over.”

Lance threw his head back and let out a slow breath. He looked back down at Arthur with his brow furrowed. “What are you doing with that sword then? Where did you get it?”

“You see, dear brother,” Arthur said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “there are these magical things called computers. I used my money and I bought it online. It arrived today and since you wouldn’t get me what I reasonably requested I needed something else to occupy my time.”

While Lance was relieved that Arthur apparently hadn’t relapsed after all, he was livid that Arthur wasted money on such an unnecessary and dangerous purchase. “Arthur, I don’t give you an allowance so you can fritter your money away on swords.”

Arthur’s eyes narrowed and when he spoke ice coated his words. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I needed to account for what I do with _my_ money to you or anyone else. Money that my parents left me. Just because you weaseled your way into being my guardian doesn’t mean I have to answer to you.”

This was not the first time they’d had this fight so Lance had practice in not taking Arthur’s bait, even though a part of him wanted to remind Arthur that Lance being his guardian was Arthur’s idea and that, yes, Arthur did have to answer to him where money was concerned. So Lance simply sighed and pointed at the sword. “What do you need it for?”

“Just because I don’t think I’m some mythical king doesn’t mean I don’t like the accessories. That sword is beautiful,” Arthur explained. 

Lance ran his hand down his face. “If you wanted to buy it, fine, but you didn’t need to use it to scare Grunhilda.”

Arthur dismissed Lance’s concern with a wave of his hand. “The woman was far too nervous and simply overreacted when I...brandished it at her.” 

“Arthur, you scared her half to death.” Lance tried to keep his voice neutral. Yelling at Arthur never helped the situation. It just made Arthur more defensive and stressing Arthur out didn’t help with his illness.

“That’s not my concern. If she overreacted it’s her own fault. I’m not going to apologise.” He glanced up at Lance with a defiant glare.

“It’s too late to apologise. She’s gone now.” 

Arthur shrugged. “Probably for the best. I’m an adult who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. I don’t need a nanny.”

Lance sat down on the leather couch. “She wasn’t a nanny. She was a housekeeper. I can’t be here all of the time to take care of the house and I need help.”

Arthur pulled the blanket tighter around him. “If you hadn’t left our home we would have a staff and you wouldn’t have to worry about this.”

Lance hung his head. He really didn’t want to have this debate with Arthur again. “Arthur, after everything that happened in that house I don’t understand why you’d want to go back there. I certainly don’t.” 

It wasn’t the house that Lance held a grudge against, but he didn’t have fond memories of living there; if he had his way he would sell it or have it torn down. But the house didn’t belong to him. The mansion had been left to Arthur and Lance had promised Arthur that he wouldn’t do anything to it. 

Arthur threw aside his blanket and stalked across the room. “That is our family home. Our mother chose it. She picked out everything in that house and made sure it was beautiful and felt like a home. Why doesn’t that matter to you? Are you still angry with her?”

Lance glanced at Arthur and sighed. He wasn’t sure if Arthur was trying to goad him into a fight by bringing up their mother. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Mother. I understand how you feel about the house. I’ve kept my promise and it’s still standing. And when you get better, the house is all yours to do with as you wish.” He hoped that the incentive of living in his own home and being in control of his own life would motivate Arthur to stick to the drug regimen.

“But I already am better. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m okay,” Arthur said with such conviction that if Lance didn’t know better he might believe him.

But Lance did know better than that. “You’re not okay, Arthur. You hardly ever leave the house and you barely talk to anyone other than me. You stay up practically all night, writing and doing I don’t know what else. Then you sleep nearly all day.”

“You’re the one who said I needed a routine,” Arthur said with more than a modicum of sarcasm. When Lance just stared at him, Arthur growled. “I sleep all the time because of these stupid drugs you keep forcing me to take.” He sprang off the couch.

This was one of the hardest parts of dealing with Arthur’s illness. Arthur truly couldn’t understand the severity of his illness and it wasn’t his fault. It was part of the disease and led to a horrible cycle. Arthur would get better because of the drugs, which would in turn make Arthur think he didn’t need them anymore, so he’d stop taking them. The side effects didn’t help.

Lance stood up and walked towards Arthur, who had begun to pace. He resisted the impulse to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I know you don’t feel well all the time, but those are just the side effects. Dr. Scott is confident that as long as you take the meds you should get better.”

This did not appease Arthur at all. He threw his head back and laughed bitterly. “Right, that’s why I’m on my fifth cocktail of drugs? You’d think with the money at your disposal you could find someone competent.”

Lance ran a hand through his dark hair. “I’m sorry about how this is making you feel. It’s going to take time to find the right combination of medication for you. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but I promise you that we will find out what works and you’ll feel better.”

Arthur just threw Lance a disdainful look, sighed in disgust, and walked away. 

Worn out and feeling older than his years, Lance rubbed at his eyes. He went back to the foyer and picked up the clear bag by the front door, then trudged with heavy steps upstairs and to Arthur’s room, which was directly across from his. The door was closed. He hesitated before he opened it; he would knock, but Arthur never responded to that. 

With his hand on the doorknob, Lance looked down and felt a momentary bout of guilt. There was no lock on Arthur’s door and Lance had heard no end of complaints about the lack of privacy, but he didn’t want to take any chances. If Arthur really didn’t want Lance in his room, he had methods to make Lance leave that usually involved hurled books and any other objects Arthur could get his hands on.

When he entered, Arthur was in his large bed with the red silk sheets pulled over his head. Lance looked down at his watch; it was 2 o’clock. It was a little early for one of Arthur’s scheduled naps, but Lance didn’t say anything.

Lance put the bag down on Arthur’s dresser by an assortment of black and white composition books - there were clusters of the journals around the room. As he walked toward the bed, Lance bent down to pick up a few errant socks. Obviously Grunhilda hadn’t managed to clean Arthur’s room before she fled their house in terror. 

When Lance opened a drawer in Arthur’s dresser, he looked down at the messy array of socks, underwear, and shirts. Lance flashed back to when they were children and how Arthur used to call Lance a cretin for simply mixing his underwear and shirts. As Lance closed the drawer, he smiled wistfully. Arthur used to be such a neat freak, and now...His smile fell as he glanced at his brother.

He made his way over to his Arthur’s bed and stood over him for a moment before he sat on the chest next to the bed, careful not to knock over the journals there. “I got the pens you wanted,” he said, speaking softly. Arthur only grunted in response. “How are you feeling today?” Arthur didn’t respond. “Any side effects yet?”

Arthur whipped the cover off his head and stuck his head up slightly. “If it’s not abundantly obvious, I’m trying to sleep. If you want to know so badly about the side effects, read my journal.” He flopped his head back down on his pillow and dragged the sheet back over his head. Lance got to his feet, then gasped as Arthur’s arm shot out and gripped his wrist. 

“Just the journal on my desk. Don’t look at the others.” 

Even though Arthur couldn’t see him, Lance nodded. Dr. Scott had suggested that Arthur keep one about his medication, any side effects he had, and how the meds were affecting him. Then there would be separate journals about his emotional state and any feelings of depression. 

Gaius even had Lance keeping his own set of journals that detailed Arthur’s medical history, his symptoms, any questions Lance had, and his own feelings about everything.

Before he could pick up the journal, out of the corner of his eye he saw Arthur sit up in bed. He picked up his laptop at the foot of his bed. He opened it and cleared his throat. “Lance, I want you to look at something.”

Lance pursed his lips and went right over. It wasn’t usually like Arthur to let Lance see anything on his computer. When Lance looked down he saw a webpage with the header “Healing Magic.” He glanced at Arthur. “What’s this?”

“I’ve been doing my own research all types of diseases and cures for them. There are all sorts of magic users online who say they can heal - even mental diseases,” Arthur explained.

Lance pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and tried to hold back an audible sigh. He’d heard about this, too. There were very few people with actual real magic - Lance had never heard of anyone like that living in Camelot - and the ones that did have it usually kept to themselves because they were mostly ostracized as oddballs and were sometimes treated unkindly.

It was unfair and Lance felt sorry for those people. Though there were a few brave magic users that did use their gifts and applied it towards practical uses and jobs. Many had become magicians - but others went into less obvious fields like teaching, architecture, and home repairs (which seemed to make sense to Lance. Who better to fix something - and with minimal cost - than someone with magic.). But Lance had never heard of any of them going into the medical field.

Sitting down on Arthur’s bed, which caused Arthur to move over to the edge of the mattress, Lance briefly glanced at the website again, before he turned his attention to Arthur. “I’ve heard of people like this. I’m sorry, Arthur, but it’s nothing but a scam.”

Arthur shook his head. “You don’t know that.”

Lance closed the laptop. “I do. Percival has told me horror stories about desperate families that come to the hospital after having gone to one of those ‘magic healers.’ It always makes things ten times worse.”

For a long time, Arthur didn’t say anything. He just rubbed the back of his neck and smoothed his hand over the back of the black laptop. Finally, Arthur let out a dry laugh. “I should have known.”

Lance closed his eyes tightly and braced himself.

“You don’t even want to consider this.”

Even though he knew no explanation would be good enough for Arthur, Lance tried to explain again. “There’s nothing to consider. Arthur, I would do anything to help you, but this isn’t something that’s realistic.”

“Oh, but the dozens of pills you’ve forced on me is realistic? Because they’ve done all done a bang up job so far,” Arthur spit out.

“That’s completely different. That’s medical science. It’s been proven. They may not all work completely, but they have helped. Morgana’s voice - that’s gone. Your delusions about being King Arthur - that’s gone, too. And you know taking her meds helped Mother.”

“According to you.” He turned and stared daggers at Lance. “How do I know she was really bipolar?”

Lance goggled at Arthur. “Why would I lie about that?”

Arthur picked at the red sheets. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re trying to come up for an excuse for why Mother left you when you were a baby.” 

Most of the time, Lance didn’t think Arthur tried to be deliberately cruel, but sometimes it seemed to come second nature to him. At those times, Lance definitely thought of Arthur as his father’s son. He had to clench his hands at his side and take a deep breath. He let it out and faced his brother. “Trust me, knowing about it doesn’t make that any easier.” He swallowed the lump in his throat and kept any tears at bay. “Why do you think Dr. Scott would lie? He told you about Mother as well.”

Arthur opened and closed his mouth before he just shook his head.

Lance twisted around on the bed and tried to catch Arthur’s eye before speaking again. When Arthur finally looked over at him out of the corner of his eye, Lance sighed. “I told you about Mother’s illness because I wanted you to know that there was light at the end of the tunnel. She took her meds and she got better. She was able to have you and be an amazing mother.” Lance looked away and tried not to think about how it all ended. “You can have a great future, too.”

Finally, Arthur looked at him fully. “When?” 

His voice was so plaintive and small, Lance felt a tear fall down his cheek.

“I don’t know,” Lance whispered. He wanted to give him a rousing speech and make more promises, but he knew he couldn’t. “But I believe in you, Arthur. I believe you can do it.”

While it didn’t earn him another withering look, Arthur didn’t look convinced. His expression was tired and resigned. With a heavy sigh, he lay back against the bed.

He wanted to say something else, but there was nothing to say, so Lance stood up. He made it halfway to the door before he stopped. He didn’t want to leave things like this. Moments like these were why he sometimes wrote things he wanted to talk about with Arthur in his journal, things that he was too nervous to bring up or didn’t know how to put into words. Just the other day he was thinking about asking Arthur to come to one of his poker nights. Maybe Grunhilda leaving provided him with an opportunity. 

“I know this won’t be the same thing as a magic cure, but I think if you came to my poker game tonight it might make you feel better.” He walked over and knelt beside the bed. “I know it’s not really your kind of game, but I think it would be good to be around other people.”

Arthur’s muffled response from under the sheets sounded annoyed. “I’d rather not spend the evening with your friends.”

“Arthur, they’re your friends, too.” No matter the distance between them now, he knew Leon, Gwaine, and Percival still cared a great deal for Arthur.

Over the years Lance had gotten gradually closer with all of them. He’d always been friendly with them but since they had been Arthur’s friends and younger than Lance, he hadn’t socialized with them as much as Arthur had. After Lance went to school, and Arthur barely spoke to him, he’d had to ask Arthur’s friends to get updates about his brother, even though he felt weird needing to ask them about his own sibling. 

Over time he’d discovered several different things he had in common with the boys - Gwaine shared his affinity for antique cars and Leon had also wanted to join MI-5 - and they all became closer.

But what really bonded them together was their help with Arthur and the situation with Agravaine. After Lance had attacked Agravaine, if it weren’t for Leon and Gwaine he would have landed in serious trouble. Leon and Gwaine went to their mother after Agravaine called the police. She arrived at the mansion before they did and immediately marched over to Agravaine and dragged him to the study. 

They had a private conversation which none of the boys got to hear. But when Agravaine came out of the study his face looked ashen. When the police arrived, Agravaine told them it had all been a misunderstanding. Lance knew he owed Annis - and Gwaine and Leon - a huge debt. If he had gone to jail, or even been arrested, he probably never would have eventually gotten guardianship of Arthur away from Agravaine.

After a lengthy battle in court over Arthur’s guardianship, Lance had been prepared to sign over the money his mother had left him just to get Agravaine to back down. But Gwaine had begged him to hold off. He’d managed to get his mother to tell him what information she had on Agravaine. Annis was a barrister who had been working for a business rival of Agravaine’s. She had privileged information of a dirty business deal that could send Agravaine to prison - though because of attorney-client privilege she couldn’t use that information herself. 

Gwaine found a way around that. He told Lance what he knew and together they confronted Agravaine. Gwaine lied and told Agravaine that his mother had gotten her client to waive privilege and if Agravaine didn’t give up the fight over Arthur he would go to jail. Always such a coward, Agravaine didn’t call their bluff and immediately gave in.

Percival had also been a great help. After Arthur had finally seen a doctor at first he was diagnosed as having depression with psychosis, which had made sense to Lance given their mother had bipolar disorder. But when Lance came back home the next year, Percival - who was a nursing student - had discussed with Lance his suspicions that Arthur was actually schizophrenic. Lance hadn’t wanted to believe it and had unfortunately dismissed Percival’s concerns. But he kept what Percival said in the back of his mind, did his own research, and continued to watch Arthur and he realized that Percival might be right. If it weren’t for Percival he might not have gotten Arthur proper help.

Lance could never begin to describe how indebted he felt to all of them.

Arthur finally emerged from his cocoon. “They’re not my friends anymore. The only friend of yours I do feel comfortable around is Cenred.”

Lance wrinkled his nose. “Cenred? First of all, Cenred is not a friend. He’s just a big git!” 

Cenred worked with Percival and the only reason he was invited was because he had the best things to offer for the game and, as luck would have it, was the worst player. 

“He might be a git, but he’s the only one who acts as if I’m a normal person. Percival looks at me like I’m a wounded badger every time he lays eyes on me. Even Gwaine treats me like a freak.” By the look of hurt in Arthur’s eyes as he spoke, Lance could see how much this really affected him.

“I don’t think they treat you like a freak. But I could talk to them and make them stop whatever is making you uncomfortable.”

Arthur shook his head. “Don’t bother.” He rested his head against the pillow.

Putting his head in his hands, Lance scrambled to find a way to convince Arthur. Selfishly, this wasn’t just about Arthur’s mental health. Lance really needed this, too. His poker nights with his friends were the only time Lance had to relax. But without someone like Grunhilda watching out for Arthur at home, Lance knew he couldn’t enjoy it. While he might be marginally comfortable with leaving Arthur alone during the day on occasion, he was very reluctant to do so in the evening. 

“Look, Arthur, I know that this isn’t really your problem and you don’t care if my plans are ruined but you know I’m not going to leave you alone here tonight. If I have to cancel, I will.” Lance sighed and sat down properly and leant his head against Arthur’s bed.

He stayed that way for several minutes. Arthur didn’t say anything. Lance finally stood up and walked towards the door; the door was halfway closed when Arthur spoke up so quietly Lance almost didn’t hear him. 

“I’m not talking to anyone and for the love of God, please keep Percival’s face away from me.”

A slow smile spread across Lance’s face. “I promise no wounded badger looks.”

“Fine.” Arthur let out a long-suffering sigh. 

He stood up and headed straight for his desk. His fingers trailed over his notebooks and he finally glanced over his shoulder at Lance. “Now leave me alone. I need to write.”

Not wanting to press his luck, Lance immediately closed the door behind him. He really hoped this was a step in the right direction.


	3. Chapter 3

Arthur’s hand flew feverishly over the journal, the blue ink pouring onto the white paper forming words that looked like chicken scratch. Arthur tried to get the thoughts out of his mind as fast as possible but his mind was faster than his hand. 

“Fuck!” Arthur cursed when once again he had to scratch out something he’d written down wrong. 

Getting this right was important to him. Writing these things down in his journal made him feel closer to his sister. She had been on his mind a lot lately, which was one of the reasons he had bought the sword.

As much as hearing Morgana’s voice had been scary at times, when it went away he felt a hollow feeling inside that could never get filled. It had been so long since he’d heard her voice he was starting to forget the things she’d told him.

He glanced to his left and stared at the white pill box that sat next to him on his desk. Looking down at his watch, he knew it would beep soon and it would be time to take his litany of pills. He wished he could avoid it, but Lance would know if he didn’t. If he were still in his hyper paranoid state, he would wonder if his brother had someone watching him. But he wasn’t that paranoid anymore.

It was just another sign to Arthur that he was better. He was. Lance just refused to see it. The doctors refused to see it. He knew that things had gotten crazy before; yes, for a brief period of time Arthur actually believed he was the legendary King Arthur and yes, he had believed that because the voice of his dead sister told him so. 

But it was just because he had been extremely depressed - psychotically depressed. At one point he was so despondent that he didn’t talk or barely move for a week. While that was bad, it wasn’t until after he’d been hospitalized and they put him on medication that he had tried to take his own life by slicing his wrists. So much for the meds making him better.

Unconsciously, Arthur drew his sweater sleeves down further, even though they already covered his wrists. He hated being reminded of that time. He had been hospitalized several times and they were the worst times of his life. 

What Arthur believed everyone else had failed to take into account was that both of his parents had died. He had spiraled downward ever since. That was the cause. He wasn’t...that horrible word. He wasn’t “crazy”. But he had to humor Lance and everyone else until he “got better” than Arthur could get his life back and could control his own money and his own future. 

Truth be told, Arthur had no idea what having a real life even meant. He’d been under one person’s thumb or another since he was fourteen. First it was his uncle Agravaine - Arthur wrinkled his nose at the thought of his wormy uncle. Then Lance had become his guardian. He knew that Lance meant well, but they had never understood each other and he didn’t think they ever really would. Perhaps it was because they didn’t truly grow up together; he wasn’t sure. 

Whatever his life might hold in the future, he knew it had to be better than this. He barely felt as if he were living at all - it was like being in a waking coma every second of every day. If he had to choose, he would take the voice and the delusions over this. He missed the stories Morgana told him about his life as King Arthur.

In these stories he was strong and important and fearless. Actually, what Arthur missed the most about Morgana’s stories was his manservant. The man with the incredible blue eyes, the ludicrously big ears, and the unfailing talent for being Arthur’s saviour. He was Arthur’s best friend and other half. Even though he wasn’t real, Arthur felt closer to this boy than to anyone in his actual life, even his ridiculously patient brother. 

Arthur shook his head and looked down at his scribblings. He threw the pen aside in disgust. If the only people he could connect with were the voice of his dead sister and an imaginary friend then perhaps he really was crazy. Arthur grabbed the pill box and almost ripped open the section labeled Tuesday and took out his pills. 

 

~*~

 

Gwaine placed a white sheet of paper on the table. “One pair of Rayban sunglasses.”

Leon, who sat next to Gwaine, placed his own sheet of paper down. “One iPhone case.”

This was how their poker games usually went. None of them, except for Lance, who wasn’t exactly as rich as people thought, had much money so they played for more practical and unusual items. Lance actually found it more fun that way.

Percival sighed as he placed his cards down on the table. “I fold.”

Everyone at the table laughed. Leon turned to his large friend. “Do you ever stay in?”

“It’s not my fault the card gods aren’t on my side.” Percival pouted.

Lance saw Percival’s gaze land on Arthur, sitting alone at a table near the kitchen. Arthur had kept to his word and had barely said anything all night. Lance realized that Arthur wasn’t that far off about Percival and his wounded badger look; he gazed at Arthur with such sad eyes and pity written all over his face. 

Out of all of them, Lance would have thought Percival may have been able to mask his sympathy a little better since he was a nurse in a psychiatric hospital and saw people like Arthur all the time, but although Percival was the largest of them in stature, he was the most tender-hearted. 

There was a part of Lance that found Percival’s sympathy for his brother very sweet, but given Arthur’s annoyance with being shown pity, Lance needed Percival to stop.

“Percy,” he whispered. When Percival didn’t look over at him, Lance softly kicked his shin under the table.

“Ow.” Percival leaned over and rubbed at his shin. “What did you do that for?”

“I’m sorry, but you have to stop looking at Arthur like that. He doesn’t like it,” Lance explained. He stole a glance at Arthur to make sure he wasn’t looking in their direction.

“Looking at him like what?” Percival asked his lip still jutted out in a pout.

Lance gestured at Percival’s face. “Like that. You look like you’re at someone’s funeral.”

Percival leaned forward. “I’m sorry. I can’t help but feel bad for him.”

“You don’t need to feel bad for him. He’s got a mental illness not some terminal disease.” Lance’s tone had come out more harsh than he had intended. “There’s nothing wrong with him.”

Cenred snorted. “Mate, are you crazy, too? He’s schizophrenic. Of course there’s something wrong with him.”

Lance stiffened. 

The room went deathly quiet, except for the sound of Arthur’s pen scribbling against paper. He either didn’t hear Cenred or didn’t care. Everyone else was glaring at Cenred. It wasn’t that they all weren’t used to Cenred saying insensitive and hurtful things, but this seemed to cross a line even for him.

Lance balled his hand into a fist and turned towards the man, but someone’s hand covered his and squeezed. He was surprised to see that it was Gwaine trying to prevent a fight, given how he was usually the person who always seemed to be itching for one. 

Gwaine looked Cenred up and down, a sneer on his face. “Just stick to losing at cards and keep your opinions to yourself Cenred.”

Cenred looked around the table and saw everyone’s glares and even he knew enough to shut up. “Sorry. I’m just annoyed because of my stupid new houseguest.” He threw a paper down. “I see your iPhone case and I raise you noise cancelling headphones.”

“Who’s your new roommate?” Percival asked as he got up to go to the kitchen. 

Lance saw him try to school his expression into a more natural one as he passed by Arthur, but Arthur didn’t look up from his furious scribbling in his notebook.

“My pathetic wanker of a cousin,” Cenred answered. “He’s making my life miserable. He’s up all night watching ridiculous old movies and he keeps rearranging things in the house.”

“A pair of hubcaps,” Lance said. His heart really wasn’t in the game tonight. He had agreed to Arthur’s condition of not being required to speak to anyone, but he had hoped that Arthur would change his mind once he was there. It probably wasn’t a realistic thought, but he couldn’t help it. Seeing Arthur not react at all, even in the company of his friends, saddened Lance.

“If he annoys you so much why are you even keeping him around?” Gwaine asked. He still looked like he wanted to wring Cenred’s neck.

“My aunt is guilting me into letting him stay,” Cenred replied. He banged his knuckles against the table in annoyance.

“Guilt? Isn’t that more of a human emotion?”

Everyone slowly turned to look at Arthur, shocked at Arthur’s contribution to the conversation. After a beat, Gwaine laughed out loud, a deep laugh straight from his belly. Everyone except for Cenred soon joined in. 

Percival smiled broadly and slapped Arthur on the back, When Arthur recoiled from his touch Percival removed his hand quickly and sat back down at the poker table. 

Lance couldn’t help the silly grin on his face and turned to his brother.

Arthur caught his eye briefly and then hunched forward and got right back to writing in his notebook.

After Gwaine betted a pair of nunchucks of all things, Leon folded. Cenred glared at Lance as he threw his next bet down. “An iPod Nano.”

Cenred always had to up the ante. Lance was confident in his hand and reveled at the thought of beating Cenred. “A new car stereo.”

“I think you’re bluffing,” Cenred drawled as he eyed Lance carefully.

Lance shrugged. “Perhaps. You have to play to find out. That’s if you have the stones for it. I call.” 

Cenred narrowed his eyes. He laid down his cards. It was an Ace-high Flush. 

Lance nodded. “That’s a wonderful hand. But this one is better.” He laid down his cards with a flourish. It was a Full House. “Kings full of Queens.”

Cenred closed his eyes and groaned. 

Gwaine gave Lance a high five. 

Lance stood up and walked towards Arthur. “You’re a pretty good player,” Arthur said without looking up.

“I get lucky sometimes,” Lance said, a bit of false modesty. “How would you like a pair of noise cancelling headphones?”

 

~*~

 

Without having Grunhilda around making endless noise, Arthur was able to sleep more peacefully. The only thing he really missed about Grunhilda was her food. She was a decent cook. Arthur was now famished and wasn’t sure what to make.

After getting up, he wandered over to the kitchen and started aimlessly opening drawers. He pulled out some peanut butter, which was a favorite of his. He went to the kitchen counter and got a couple of bananas. Those went well together. 

As he scanned the kitchen, He saw the blender and decided to make a shake. Thankfully, when he went to the refrigerator he found that they did have milk. And it was only one day away from expiring. Lucky.

He plugged in the blender and started mixing everything together. The sound of the blender was grating to his ears and he turned it off quickly. He removed the lid and looked inside. Though he couldn’t say what, it felt like something was missing. 

Drumming his fingers against the countertop, he looked up and saw a box of Captain Crunch on top of the refrigerator. It must have been Grunhilda. He looked from the box to the blender and back again. He shrugged and picked up the cereal. After pouring it into the blender, he started it up again for a few more seconds. When he opened the lid again, it looked better.

Instead a cup, or even a bowl, Arthur decided to drink the shake straight from the jar. As he started to gulp it down, there was a knock on the door. That was definitely unusual. The rarely had any visitors there. At first he thought about ignoring it, but after the second knock he decided to answer just out of curiosity.

When he got to the front door and looked out the narrow window to the side, his surprise magnified when he saw Gwaine standing on the other side of the door. He scratched his head as he opened it.

Gwaine smiled wide. It looked a little forced. “Hey.”

Arthur cocked his head to the side and furrowed his brow. “Hey?” He looked behind him. “Uh, Lance isn’t here.” He turned back to Gwaine. “But you should know that since you work with him.”

Gwaine nodded. “I do know that. I came to see you.”

“Huh,” Arthur simply said.

Looking at the jar in his hand, Gwaine gestured to it. “What’s that?”

“Breakfast.” Arthur thrust it towards Gwaine. “Want some?”

Gwaine waved his hand and then patted his stomach. “I already had one. You know I always have one for breakfast.”

Arthur briefly searched his brain and tried to remember if that was something he knew, but he drew a blank. He just shrugged.

When he saw that Gwaine kept looking behind him, he started to get a little nervous and wonder if someone was standing behind him. It took him a few seconds to realize that Gwaine probably was waiting to be asked inside. So Arthur, without saying anything, stepped further in the house leaving the entryway clear.

Gwaine took the hint and walked a few feet inside. They stood for a few awkward moments silently until Gwaine cleared his throat. 

“I just wanted to tell you that it was really nice to have you at the game last night.”

“Thank you.” Arthur slurped down more of his shake.

“It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but it made me feel nostalgic and I went looking through some boxes in my loft and I found this.” Gwaine produced a photograph from his pocket and handed it to Arthur.

Arthur took it from him. It was a picture of Arthur, Leon, and Gwaine in a pile after a football game when they were twelve. Gwaine was in top, Arthur in the middle, and Leon on the bottom. They were all muddy, but smiling brightly.

Looking at their smiling faces, Arthur wished he could feel like that again. He wished he could remember everything about that moment, but it was a vague memory at best. His memory wasn’t what it used to be. 

Peering up at Gwaine, who had a wide grin on his face, he wished he could feel what Gwaine was feeling. “It looks like it was fun,” Arthur said in a stiff voice. “Uh, can I keep this?”

Gwaine’s eyes widened as he looked up at Arthur. “Sure.”

It was mostly a selfish impulse. He hoped that if he looked at the picture enough maybe he could remember being that happy and free and thinking the future was full of endless possibilities. Perhaps it would help him to feel that way again - or at least be able to fake it a little better.

Gwaine smiled. “Well, I should go. I don’t want to keep you from anything, plus I am late and we know how your brother feels about tardiness.”

Arthur chuckled. “Yes to him tardiness is the eighth deadly sin.”

Gwaine let out a loud laugh. “Exactly.” He turned and walked out the door. 

Arthur set the jar and picture down on the floor and held onto the door. He figured he should say something. “Thank you for coming.”

Gwaine nodded and waved good-bye.

Arthur shut the door. He then picked up the jar and picture. As he walked back into the kitchen he gazed at the picture. He practiced smiling.

 

~*~

 

Lance drummed his fingers against the wooden arm of the chair. It was a cushioned seat, but he couldn’t get comfortable. Despite the number of doctor’s offices he’d been in, Lance never could get comfortable no matter how cushioned the chairs. 

Gaius looked up from his paperwork and quirked an insanely high eyebrow at Lance and looked pointedly at his hand, still thrumming against the chair’s arm. Lance took the hint and stopped.

“Arthur hasn’t had any more delusions?” the doctor started.

Lance shook his head. “No. Not for a few years. The meds have been working for that.”

“And the voice?” His eyebrow seemed permanently arched.

Lance swallowed. “He hasn’t mentioned that either.”

Gaius nodded. “Obviously, that’s excellent news.”

Despite the doctor’s words he didn’t seem pleased. Lance offered, “He doesn’t seem to have had any new side effects from the medication. Not yet.”

“Anything else?” 

“He has mood swings. He’s still really tired,” Lance said. “Sometimes he seems both restless and too tired. There are some nights he paces all night. But you said that might go away once the medication takes effect.”

Lance felt his own mouth become dry as they talked. Gaius had a way of looking at him that made him feel as if he was constantly being judged. Lance supposed he felt that way because Gaius had never been a fan of the idea of Lance being Arthur’s primary caregiver; he had always suggested that Arthur might do better hospitalized or in a group home.

“Yes, I did say that.” Gaius steepled his hands and placed his chin on top. “But it’s still something we have to monitor. And we have to make sure he is being honest about any depressive symptoms he may be having. Lancelot, you know as well as I do that Arthur is not always forthcoming with either of us. With your family’s history, and Arthur’s, we have to make sure things do not progressively get worse.” 

With a slight grimace, Lancelot gripped the chair arms tighter. He didn’t need to be reminded about his family’s history with mental illness, especially not Arthur’s. That Arthur didn’t always tell him everything also didn’t need to be pointed out. 

The second year Arthur was living with Lance everything seemed to be going much better. He had trusted Arthur when he had assured him that he was taking his medication. Arthur seemed fine, so Lance had no reason not to believe him until Arthur had to be dragged away in restraints after attacking Lance, who he had accused of plotting against him. It turned out he hadn’t been taking his meds for weeks. 

Arthur had spent two months institutionalized. When Arthur finally came home, Lance felt he had learned his lesson and became much more vigilant when it came to Arthur and his medication. He hadn’t worked for five years after that and took care of Arthur full-time. Even now that was still the primary focus of his life.

“That’s what the journals are for, right?” Lance asked.

“Yes. Is Arthur sharing any of them with you?” Gaius leaned forward, writing down notes in Arthur’s paperwork. Lance wished he knew what he was writing.

“Some of them. He lets me see the journal about his medications and their effects.”

“What about his depression?”

“Sometimes he lets me see those, too.” 

Lance didn’t want to admit it, but he occasionally read through that particular journal even though he felt incredibly guilty over invading his brother’s privacy; but he had to do whatever he needed to protect his brother. Lance licked his lips. “You believe that Arthur is improving, don’t you?”

He took it as a bad sign when Gaius took a long, deep breath and exhaled slowly before answering. “I think that overall Arthur is gradually improving. However...”

Lance groaned at the “however.”

“He’s still terribly isolated and refuses to get back in the world, which concerns me.” Gaius continued. 

“I’ve tried to get him to socialize more. He even went with me to my poker game the other night.” 

Gaius nodded. “That’s good.”

Lance felt some small relief that at least the doctor was willing to concede that point. Gaius reached into his briefcase and Lance deflated as he knew what was to come next.

As he handed the pamphlet over to Lance, Gaius tried to give him a somewhat reassuring smile. “I still think a group home will be Arthur’s best opportunity to heal properly.”

After everything he and Arthur had been through, Lance couldn’t believe that this was still Gaius’s recommendation. He only spared a perfunctory glance at the pamphlet for Albion group home. He wasn’t even willing to consider the option. 

He handed the pamphlet back to Gaius. “That’s not necessary. Arthur’s my family. Why do you think strangers can take better care of him than I can? I have been doing fairly well for ten years, all things considered.”

Gaius stood up and sat at the front of his desk in front of Lance. “Lancelot, I assure you that I am not discounting what you have done for Arthur. Not many men your age would have been able to handle the responsibilities and burdens that come with taking care of a sick sibling. But you can’t continue to do this entirely on your own. Even though I am Arthur’s doctor, I am saying this for your benefit as well. When Arthur is sick he gets most aggressive with you. Even when he’s doing better, like now, it isn’t healthy that your entire life revolves around him. You’re too young to put your life on hold like this.”

Lance stood up so quickly, he accidentally knocked over his chair. Looking back at Gaius apologetically, he leaned over and righted it, but he didn’t sit down again. “Dr. Scott, I appreciate your concern, but with all due respect, this is my life and Arthur is my family. I won’t abandon him again.”

Before he could storm out, Gaius grabbed his hand and placed the pamphlet gently in his hand. “Please just think about it.”

Lance felt like tearing the blasted thing up, but he didn’t want to be completely rude. He gave Gaius a curt nod and stuffed it in his back pocket. He had his hand on the doorknob when Gaius interrupted again.

“Lancelot?”

“What is it now?” Lance said in a strained voice as he gripped so hard his hand was starting to hurt.

“I wrestled with whether I should tell you this or not…”

At the hesitant tone of Gaius’ voice, Lance turned around. The only time Gaius sounded like that was when he had bad news about Arthur. 

“...But I received a phone call from your Uncle Agravaine a few days ago,” Gaius finished.

Lance looked down at the ground and pinched the bridge of nose. “What did that bastard want?”

“He asked for an update on Arthur’s condition.”

Lance’s head shot up. “You didn’t tell him anything, did you?”

Gaius shook his head. “Given that Arthur has only advised me to speak with you about his condition, I couldn’t say anything. Though I also had no desire to.”

Lance smiled at the fierceness in Gaius’ voice. It was easy for him to forget how long they known Gaius and how good he had been to both of them. “Thank you. I can’t believe he had the nerve to call you as if he actually cares about Arthur. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Is he trying to impress someone or convince someone he’s an actual human being with a soul? Good luck with that!” Lance could feel his face getting hot and his hands were balled into fists.

Being as observant as he was, Gaius didn’t miss it either. “You clearly still have a lot of anger towards your uncle.”

“Of course I do!” Lance yelled. He took a deep breath and continued on in a softer voice. “He didn’t care how sick Arthur was getting, he just wanted his money. He could have done permanent damage to Arthur!”

Gaius leaned against his desk. “But that’s not the only reason you’re upset with him. He was also very cruel to you as well.”

Lance crossed his arms over his chest and tried to feign an indifference he was nowhere close to feeling. “I could handle it.”

Gaius clasped his hands together and glanced down at them. “You didn’t handle it very well when he told you about your mother’s illness.”

Running a hand through his hair, Lance looked away. “It was something I needed to know.”

“Not like that.” Gaius shook his head. “He shouldn’t have told you that it was your fault.”

Lance took in a shuddering breath. He still sometimes had nightmares about that night. It was one of the worst in his life. To see his brother so sick, and then to have the bomb dropped on him that his mother had been mentally ill and have his uncle blame him for it. Not to mention finding out what happened the night his mother and Uther died. At the time, Lance couldn’t even fully process it because he had to be strong for Arthur and fight for him.

Gaius gestured toward the chair in front of his desk and Lance took a seat. He chewed on his bottom lip before facing Gaius again. “He wasn’t entirely wrong, was he?”

Apparently, his mother had been perfectly fine up until she had Lance. After Ygraine gave birth to him she became severely depressed. Lance’s father Henri took her to see a doctor - Gaius - and at first they assumed it was post-partum depression. One day a frantic Ygraine told Henri that he needed to take Lance away from her because she had almost considered hurting him. She had to be hospitalized after that, which was when they discovered that she had bipolar disorder.

Taking a seat behind his desk, Gaius frowned. “Yes, he was wrong. Lance, your mother had a chemical imbalance in her brain. The pregnancy didn’t create it. It was unfortunate that her symptoms started to develop after you were born, but it’s not your fault.”

Lance just nodded. It wasn’t the first time Gaius had explained this to him. Rationally, he knew that Gaius was right, but it was still something which deep down he had trouble believing was not his fault. It was just something he couldn’t completely shake. He looked up at Gaius and tried to smile. “I know.”

Gaius seemed skeptical.

Just then Lance’s phone buzzed. When he checked it, there was a text from Vivian. The last thing he really wanted was to deal with her, but it was better than staying here. He displayed his phone to Gaius. “I have to be going. It’s a client.”

Gaius nodded and stood up. “Of course.” He met Lance at the door. “Lance, I just want to remind you that I’m not just here for Arthur. If something is troubling you then you can talk to me.”

Lance stared down at the floor as he put his phone back in his pocket. “Arthur’s the one that’s mentally ill, not me.”

“Just because you’re not mentally ill doesn’t mean you don’t need help.” 

Lance just exhaled and patted Gaius’ shoulder. He left and after closing the door, immediately put his head in his hands. After taking several deep breaths, he walked away and tried to pull himself together. He could not fall apart right now, he just couldn’t.

In the car, for a brief moment he considered turning his car around and heading home. He wanted to curl up in bed, but he knew if he was home he’d spend the whole time either looking after Arthur or attempting to engage him in conversation. Neither option appealed to him. He had already spent a good chunk of his morning on the phone as he called Arthur repeatedly to check on him. Arthur sounded incredibly bored and irritated every time Lance called. 

It wasn’t as if he had a choice anyway; Vivian would not be denied any longer. Gwaine and Leon had tried to deal with her, but she had insisted on talking with Lance and he really didn’t want to lose her business so he had Leon set up an appointment. Lance really should have thought better of it - he knew what his moods were like after seeing the doctor.

Thankfully, there wasn’t much else to do with Vivian but set up a surveillance detail and offer personal security for her, if she so chose, which of course she did, but she was clearly very disappointed when she realized Lance would not be her personal bodyguard. 

Lance handed Vivian his card. “Just remember that you can call us anytime. Gwaine will be starting security for you tomorrow.”

“And if Gwaine and I aren’t...compatible?” Vivian asked in an airy voice as she clung to Lance’s hand.

“I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Gwaine is very professional and he’ll stay as far in the background as you prefer. If you need him to stay closer he will as will. Those details are at your discretion,” Lance explained. He stood up quickly.

Vivian followed him to her front door. He reached to turn the handle and was startled when Vivian slammed the door shut before he had even opened it an inch. She slid in front of him and grabbed his shirt. 

She looked quite pleased with Lance’s surprised reaction.“I’ve never really been accused of being subtle, but apparently I am since you don’t seem to be picking up on what I really want.” 

“I guess I haven’t picked up on anything since I don’t know what you’re referring to.” That was a lie. Of course Vivian wasn’t subtle, but he had hoped to avoid this conversation with her. Clearly it was Vivian who didn’t know when to take a hint.

“I want you to ask me on a date, Lance. You’re gorgeous, I’m gorgeous. We’d make gorgeous babies.” She threw her long blonde hair over her shoulder with a light giggle.

Lance’s eyes widened. “You really are not subtle. And you are quite beautiful. But I...I prefer to keep my business and personal life separate.”

Vivian grinned widely. “That’s perfect. You won’t be my bodyguard so there’s nothing to keep separate.”

As he pinched the bridge of his nose, Lance decided to just be as direct with Vivian as possible, hopefully without losing her business. “Vivian, I would love to take you out but I can’t. Between this job and taking care of my brother, I just don’t have the time. I am so sorry. Gwaine, on the other hand, is single, with no responsibilities, and just as gorgeous. Probably even more so.”

Vivian pondered this. “His hair is fairly beautiful.” She sighed. “I suppose he’ll have to do.”

Lance almost wanted to tease Gwaine about being Vivian’s second choice, but he settled for a smug internal smile.

“He doesn’t have any pesky issues with mixing business and pleasure, does he?”

“Far from it. In fact, he prefers to do a lot of mixing.” Lance couldn’t keep the amusement out of his voice.

Vivian clapped her hands. “Splendid!” She clapped Lance on the arm while she opened the front door. “It’s too bad for you. You really missed out.” She shoved him out the door and closed it unceremoniously in his face.

Lance chuckled to himself; Vivian was not someone he would want to date even if he did have a life of his own. But what he told her about work and Arthur wasn’t a lie; even if the perfect woman came along, he would never have the time to explore anything with her. And unfortunately, he didn’t know when that would change.

While he had managed to keep his mind on the task at hand with Vivian, Arthur was never far from his mind. He raced home and barely spared the time to set his keys down before he went upstairs.


	4. Chapter 4

Arthur was more than a little irritable when Lance got home. After he took his pills he was incredibly tired and hadn’t felt like doing anything but Lance had insisted Arthur come out of his room. 

Arthur put his head down on their long kitchen table; sunlight was streaming in through the large picture window and beamed welcome heat on the back of his neck. He watched Lance take a beer out of the refrigerator.

“Gwaine came by earlier,” Arthur blurted out.

Lance leaned against the refrigerator. “Really? He didn’t mention it before. What did he want?”

Arthur shrugged. “He just showed me a picture of when him, Leon, and me were kids. He said he’d just found it.”

Lance grinned. “That was nice of him.”

“I suppose.” Arthur leaned back in his chair. “I just hope we won’t have too many unannounced visits. It’s a bit rude.”

Rubbing his forehead, Lance slumped down in the seat across from Arthur. “He was just being nice. He was trying to be a friend.”

“Well, as I mentioned before-”

Lance cut him off with a wave of his hands. “Yes, I know they’re not your friends. I really…” He put the beer bottle to his forehead. “I don’t want to fight about this.”

He had a retort in his head, but Arthur paused. He crossed his arms over his chest and studied his brother. There were heavy bags under his eyes. Something was clearly bothering him. Arthur wasn’t completely unfeeling. He wanted to help his brother, but wasn’t sure how. He thought about the last time he saw his brother look truly relaxed. “Teach me how to play poker.” It was more of a demand than a request. 

Arthur had been doing some reading about poker ever since the game. He figured if Lance could excel at it, than he could too. He had always been smart and was sure he would have finished at the top of his class in school, if he had been allowed to finish properly. 

Lance’s head whipped around and he looked stunned. “Really?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Do I say things I don’t mean?”

Lance shook his head. “Let me get my cards.” He was clearly very eager since he was out of the room and back in a flash.

As Lance dealt the cards, he explained the rules Arthur had already studied. “Since this is just for practice we’ll go with something fairly simple. If I win, you have to go out and eat with me once a week.”

Arthur hated going out to eat. He didn’t let his annoyance show though, trying to prove that he could be an excellent bluffer. “And if I win?”

“What would you want?” Lance asked. 

“You do the laundry and vacuum for a month?”

Lance grimaced. “I already do that.”

“You do?”

Lance nodded.

“Then what the hell did Grunhilda do all day?” Arthur asked with sincere curiosity.

Lance burst out in surprise laughter. Arthur couldn’t remember the last time he heard him laugh like that. It was a bit contagious and Arthur found that he couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his face.

Arthur knew what he really wanted but he knew Lance wouldn’t make any deals about his medication. “If I win, you let me spend one night alone in the house.”

Lance hesitated. He looked down at his cards and fidgeted. He eyed Arthur warily. “One night?”

Arthur held up one finger. 

“All right.”

That earned Lance the first genuine smile Arthur had given him in a long time and Lance smiled back brightly. “There’s only one bet on the table, so we’ll do one exchange of cards, if you deem it necessary and then I’ll call.” He looked to Arthur to make sure this was all right with him.

Arthur nodded and threw two cards back. Lance handed him two fresh ones. Lance put back three cards for himself and dealt three more. 

Arthur looked at the back of Lance’s cards and thought he saw something on one of them but that thought was interrupted by Lance.

“I call.” He set his cards down. His hand was a flush of all diamonds. Lance looked up at Arthur expectantly. “Well?”

Arthur put down his cards. He had a straight, 10-9-8-7-6. 

Lance grinned in triumph. “I told you Arthur, sometimes I just get lucky.”

Arthur focused his attention on Lance’s cards. He grabbed them and flipped them over to look at the back again and found smudges on the back of each of them. Angrily, he turned his attention back to Lance and his smug smile. “You cheated!”

Lance looked startled for a moment. 

Arthur sneered. If the security business didn’t work out he was sure that Lance could have a career on the stage. He almost looked convincing. 

“Cheat? I didn’t cheat, Arthur.”

“Then what is this?” Arthur pointed to the smudge.

Lance squinted. “I don’t really see anything. There’s a bit of a brown spot but most of the cards have some spots on them. They are quite old.” Lance reached over for Arthur’s cards.

Arthur batted his hand away. His anger boiled over quicker than even he could have anticipated. He tried to take a deep breath, but the word “cheater” kept repeating in his head.

“Liar!” Arthur threw the cards at Lance. “The cards are marked and you cheated so you could get me to do what you wanted. I should have known.” His voice gained in volume as he stood up from the table. “I should have known you would never have given me the option of actually having some freedom for once.”

Lance held up his hands slowly. “Arthur, calm down.”

This just incensed Arthur more - he hated when Lance talked to him as if he were a child. “Don’t tell me what to do. You’re a liar and a cheat.” He smacked the rest of the cards off the table and stalked off.

When he got to his room, he slammed the door then kicked it when he remembered that there was no lock on it. 

He sat down heavily on the floor; his thoughts raced and he couldn’t pick one out from the next. Finally, he put his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.

Once Arthur had calmed down and opened his eyes, he wasn’t surprised at the presence next to him. “Don’t,” he said preemptively.

“How did you know I was going to say anything?”

Arthur gave Lance a sidelong glance. “Because I know you. You were about to apologize even though you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Lance didn’t say anything but looked down and bit his lip, which was enough confirmation for Arthur.

“I’m sorry.” It was something Arthur didn’t say a lot but he knew he’d overreacted horribly this time. “There is no excuse for my behavior. I just…” Arthur stared at his brother who was looking at him with such concern. “Honestly Lance, I don’t know why you want to even deal with me.”

Lance didn’t even blink. “You’re my family. Who else is going to do it, if not me?”

Arthur nodded slowly. “At least you didn’t say something lame like you love me.”

“Of course not.” Lance said softly, his eyes crinkling as he grinned. “I wouldn’t want to make you sick.”

“Thank you.”

Lance’s hand hovered next to Arthur’s but he slowly pulled it back and rested it next to his thigh. “You don’t have to apologize, Arthur. It’s going to take some time for you to adjust to your new medication. I know it’s not easy for you.” 

Arthur didn’t say anything. He just frowned as he scuffed his foot against the carpet.

“Do you want to come to my poker game tonight?”

Arthur twisted to look at Lance. “You’d want me there after that display downstairs? Wouldn’t you be worried I’d accuse someone of being a cheat and a liar?”

“If you said it to Cenred, it would be more than welcome,” Lance joked. “Perhaps you can learn a few things and beat me next time.”

Arthur put his head on top of his knees. When he faced Lance again he nodded slightly.

 

~*~

 

This time, Arthur sat closer to the group; not at the table, but at the counter nearby. Lance knew that it didn’t seem like a big deal, but he was proud of his brother. Those kinds of baby steps weren’t as small for him as they seemed. 

Gwaine was late. When he arrived he said that his car was in some distress. He asked Lance to take a look at it since he had worked as a mechanic part-time when he was younger.

As Lance tinkered under the hood of the blue Jetta, Gwaine sat down on grass beside the driveway with a beer in his hand. A slow, cocky grin spread over his face. Lance looked at him curiously. “Why do you seem so pleased with yourself?”

Gwaine took a swig of his beer. “Vivian called me today. She seemed very interested in me protecting her bedroom, if you know what I mean.”

Lance rolled his eyes. “I always know what you mean, Gwaine.”

Even though Lance liked to pretend that Gwaine’s sexual comments annoyed him, both he and Gwaine knew that he got a kick out of it - especially since Lance knew he did it to lighten Lance’s mood.

“It’s kind of odd because I thought she had a crush on you,” Gwaine said as he eyed Lance with a bit of suspicion.

Lance looked out from under the hood and shrugged. “Perhaps she figured out who was the real beauty on this team.”

Gwaine tapped the beer bottle on his chin. “That would make sense. I mean this hair doesn’t just happen on its own.” He made a show and tossed his hair back and forth as if he was in a shampoo commercial.

Lance cracked a huge smile and chuckled. 

Gwaine stood up. “But I think it’s more likely that you turned her down, and not because she wasn’t your type...”

“Which she wasn’t,” Lance interrupted.

“ _But_ because you think you don’t have time to date.” Gwaine finished.

For a moment Lance just hung his head. Soon he got back to work on Gwaine’s car. “I _don’t_ have time.”

Gwaine sighed. He looked at Lance with a mixture of sympathy and irritation; he had long tried to get him to properly balance his life. “Lance, your life can’t be Arthur, Arthur, Arthur all of the time. I know that he needs you, but you’re not helping him by staying as isolated as him.”

Lance slammed the hood of Gwaine’s car. “I’m not isolated. I have you and Leon and Percival.”

“And that’s great. But no matter how attractive we may find you - and I have to admit right now you are working a really sexy grease monkey look.” Gwaine winked at him. “None of us are going to have sex with you.”

“There’s more to life than just sex,” Lance claimed. It sounded false even to his ears.

“Spoken like a man who hasn’t had sex since the Middle Ages,” Gwaine said. He gestured at Lance with his beer bottle.

“Start the car.” Lance pointed to the front seat.

Gwaine pursed his lips in annoyance. It looked like he wanted to continue the argument, but he put his beer bottle down and got into the driver’s seat. When he turned the key, the car started right away. He grinned at Lance. “You’re a miracle worker.”

Lance took a bow.

Gwaine got out and shut his car door. “Now if only you could work that kind of magic on your own love life.”

Lance rolled his eyes.

Gwaine put his arm around Lance. “I’m not saying this to be annoying. I care about Arthur too, you know that.”

Lance just shared a look with Gwaine.

Gwaine barked out a sudden laugh. “When he made that crack to Cenred the other night, it reminded me of when we were in school together.” Gwaine sighed deeply. “I miss him.”

It was Lance’s turn to put his arm around Gwaine. 

Something gnawed at Lance in that moment. He realized that he wasn’t the only one that was affected by Arthur’s illness and he started to wonder if Gaius was right and it was possible that Arthur would be better helped by someone else. “Do you think I’m holding Arthur back?”

Gwaine furrowed his brow and he looked at Lance as if he had grown two heads. “What are you talking about? I could only hope to have someone look after me the way you look after Arthur.”

Lance shrugged. He appreciated Gwaine’s words but he still had his doubts. “You know how Dr. Scott thinks that Arthur would be better off in a group home. He said some of the same things you’ve said to me, that’s it not healthy for me to be the only one responsible for Arthur.”

For the first time since he’d known him Gwaine looked speechless, and after a moment he shrugged helplessly. “I don’t think I could tell you what to do there. I think that Arthur needs you. But maybe a group home for him wouldn’t be the end of the world. You would still see him and be there for him, but maybe you could have a life then, too.”

Lance bent over and put his hands on his knees. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. When he slowly stood upright again, his features were still etched with confusion. “I don’t think I could do it.” Lance whispered. “It feels selfish. Arthur may get upset with me from time to time, but he needs me. He asked me not to abandon him and dumping him somewhere else feels like that’s what I’d be doing. I have to do what’s best for Arthur, it can’t be about me.”

Gwaine stood in front of Lancelot and grabbed his shoulders gently. “The one thing I know is that this is about both of you. You have to make the decision that’s best for you both.”

Lance just closed his eyes and Gwaine wrapped him in a tight embrace.

 

~*~

 

Arthur eyed Cenred, Leon, and Percival as they continued to play without Gwaine and Lance. He was able to pick out some patterns right away. Percival was a terrible bluffer. If he had a good hand, you could spot it by the Cheshire like grin on his face. Leon was the better player of the three. His only tell seemed to be that he put his hand to his face whenever he had a good hand. 

Cenred was just a poor player all around. Arthur had meant what he had said to Lance before. He didn’t mind being around Cenred nearly as much as the others because he was a jerk to everyone. It didn’t mean he liked the man at all. He had whined and complained throughout the game, mostly about some poor cousin he seemed to treat horribly. He was haughty and liked to lord it over everyone that he was better off than they were. Arthur really wanted to beat Cenred at his own game.

Cenred seemed to be on a good streak that night. Leon won the first game, but he had won the last two. “Doesn’t look like luck’s on your side tonight, mates.”

Leon gritted his teeth. “You haven’t won everything. Don’t get so cocky.”

Cenred cocked his head to the side. “Don’t be a poor loser, Leon. At least you aren’t as inept as Percival.”

Percival sat back. “I think I’ll sit this hand out.”

Cenred mock pouted.

“I’ll play.”

They all spun around to look at Arthur. 

He walked to the table. “Doesn’t really look like there’s any skill required. No offense Leon,  
Percival.”

Leon and Percival grinned.

Cenred’s lip curled as he looked at Arthur. “I don’t usually make a habit of crushing the mentally disabled, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case.”

Percival practically growled at Cenred. But Cenred’s insult didn’t faze Arthur. He took Lance’s seat and looked at the cards on the table. “Is someone going to deal or what?”

Cenred smirked and started to deal the cards. 

Percival leaned towards Arthur. “Are you sure you should be doing this, Arthur?”

Arthur gave him a passing glance. “I’m not an idiot. I know how to handle myself.” He gave no outward signs of pleasure when he saw the hand he was dealt. 

Cenred tossed a sheet of paper in the middle of the table to start the betting. “Two tickets to the Arsenals vs. Tottenham.”

“That’s a fairly big wager for the first bet,” Leon said. He glanced nervously between Arthur and Cenred. 

“If it’s too much for you Leon, you can fold. No one will think less of you. Well, I will but that’s nothing new.” Cenred taunted him.

Leon narrowed his eyes and threw out his bet. “A mini-fridge.”

Arthur crinkled his nose. “A refrigerator? Really?” Arthur wrote down something quickly on a piece of blank paper. “Clean our house for a month.”

Percival shook his head. “That’s not really how this works, Arthur.”

Cenred waved him off. “That’s fine.” He threw down two cards and took two more.

It was subtle but Arthur could see Cenred’s upper lip twitch and suspected that Cenred had a good hand. But Arthur wasn’t deterred. He had a good hand and the odds were good that it could become even better. 

Arthur threw down three cards in exchange for three more.

“Re-grout my bathroom floor,” Cenred offered.

“I don’t like where this is going,” Leon muttered. “I fold.”

“Just as well,” Arthur said simply. He stared down Cenred. “One brand new iPhone.”

Percival and Leon exchanged a look. “Perhaps we should get Lance.”

You could have cut glass with the look Arthur shot them both. “I don’t need Lance to look after me. I can make my own decisions.”

“But Arthur you don’t understand. If you lose you have to honor your bet no matter what.” Percival explained.

Arthur shrugged. “I don’t plan on losing.” 

Both Cenred and he only took one more card.

“Let’s make this even more interesting.” Cenred smirked. “I win you take my cousin off my hands. Let’s see your cards.”

Percival’s mouth dropped open. He waved his hands broadly in a futile attempt to halt the proceedings. 

“You can’t bet a human being,” Leon yelled.

Arthur shrugged. “Why not?” Arthur felt nothing but confident, which was not something he was used to feeling lately, when he laid out his cards. “Four of a kind to the Jack.”

Both Leon and Percival looked suitably impressed

It was at that moment that Gwaine and Lance walked back in. Arthur was so excited that he grinned up at Lance. 

Cenred just stared at the cards on the table. A slow smirk spread over his face as he laid his cards out. 

Percival gaped down at Cenred’s hand. It was also four of a kind, but to the King. “Oh, no,” he said softly.

Arthur opened and closed his mouth. He looked from the cards to Lance and back again. “I thought I would win.” Arthur felt like he couldn’t breathe. He started to feel overwhelmed and ran from the room.

“I tried to explain the rules to him.” Arthur heard Percival try to explain.

Arthur stalked into the kitchen and immediately bent down, with his head between his knees. He was breathing heavily and his thoughts were swirling. He tried to get a hold of himself. This was not his fault. He kept thinking that over and over again. A four of a kind! Arthur had done enough research, had read enough books to know that a four of a kind was an incredibly strong hand, especially with four Jacks. He had been incredibly confident in his chances of winning. It was like a splash of ice water in his face when Cenred smugly laid down his hand.

This was not what Arthur had planned. He turned and gripped the edge of the sink. Now, Lance was going to be responsible for another misfit, a stranger. Lance would not be happy with him. Arthur shook his head. Ironically, he had been trying to make Lance happy, not that he would ever admit that to his brother’s face. 

The whole reason Lance brought him there was for Arthur to interact more with other people. Arthur knew that Lance would have been really happy to see him take the extra initiative and actually participate in the game. If Arthur had won, Lance would have loved the football game tickets. But Arthur hadn’t won. He’d failed his brother – again!

Arthur kicked the wooden cabinet door under the sink.

“Ow!”

Arthur took a quick step back and stared at the cabinet door with wide eyes. What was that, he wondered. Perhaps he had just imagined it? Arthur inched closer to the sink. He tentatively stuck his foot out and then struck the door with one quick kick.

He didn’t hear another voice, but there was a scuttling sound that came from underneath the sink.

Arthur crouched down. He took a deep breath and opened the cabinet door quickly.

Blue eyes that matched his own stared back at him. It was a young man about the same age as Arthur, perhaps a bit younger. The dark-haired boy’s mouth formed a silent O as he hugged his arms to his chest.

Arthur gasped and closed the cabinet door quickly. He scurried back and only stopped when his back hit the other wall. Was this really happening? Perhaps this was a side effect of his new meds and he was having hallucinations now. Maybe this was like the other day when he saw that boy...It hit him that the boy in the tree and this boy under the sink looked very similar.

Arthur crawled forward slowly and laid his hand against the dirty tan door. He closed his eyes before opening it again. After a moment, when he opened his eyes again he was greeted with the same sight as before. The boy’s mouth was closed this time as he stared back at Arthur. The young man with the impossibly large ears looked at him with a mixture of shock, confusion, and curiosity.

It definitely looked like the boy from the other day, but there was something else gnawing at Arthur. There was something else familiar about him. 

They continued to stare at each other. When the boy started to reach out to him, Arthur got up and ran from the room.

When he burst back into the living room, Lance snapped his head towards him. “You bet on a human?”

“There’s...there’s a man under the sink,” Arthur half-whispered as he stared back at the kitchen with wide eyes.

Lance’s expression quickly morphed from one of anger to one of confusion and then worry. “Arthur, what man are you talking about?”

“A man under the sink,” Arthur repeated lamely. He was just as worried about his sanity as Lance. 

Cenred gave an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “That’s my cousin - your new flat mate.”

Lance glared at Cenred. “I am not taking on your cousin. I have my own family to deal with. I always knew you were a wanker Cenred but to bet your own cousin in a poker game?” 

Arthur’s attention was diverted from Lance and Cenred’s squabble when the boy stumbled out of the kitchen. His eyes immediately found Arthur’s and they stared at one another again.

Cenred groaned. “Speak of the devil. That’s my cousin Merlin.”

Lance turned to look at the new arrival and then looked at Arthur. “That’s the boy you were talking about?”

Arthur nodded.

“And he was under the sink?”

Arthur nodded again.

Lance stared at the young man. He had on a plain brown t-shirt, baggy jeans, and an odd red neckerchief. His stared at everyone in turn, though his gaze landed on Arthur longer and more often. “What were you doing under the sink?”

“That’s where Cenred has me sleep,” Merlin said. His voice sounded scratchy as if he wasn’t used to using it.

Everyone whirled around to stare at Cenred.

“You fucking wanker!” Gwaine gritted out. “You made him sleep under a sink?”

Remorseless, Cenred threw up his hands. “Where else was I going to put him? I only have two bedrooms and I’m using the second one for storage. I gave him a pillow. It’s much bigger under there than you would think.”

Arthur wanted to tackle Cenred and beat him senseless. The knowledge of what kind of conditions Cenred had Merlin living in made him a bit more appreciative of Lance. Arthur knew no matter what happened, Lance would never treat him like that. 

He looked at his brother as Lance watched Merlin. Arthur could tell from the look in his eyes that Lance had come to a decision about Merlin. Lance let out a heavy sigh. “Merlin, get your things. You’re going to be coming home with me temporarily.” He said the last part pointedly at Cenred. 

Merlin just stared in confusion at Arthur and then at Cenred. “I don’t understand.”

“What’s to understand? They’re taking you off my hands,” Cenred said venom laced each word. “Now go.”

Arthur saw Lance clench and unclench his fists over and over. Lance wasn’t ordinarily a violent person, but seeing someone who had been as mistreated as Merlin had obviously brought out the protective warrior in him. 

Arthur looked at Cenred one last time and shook his head. He turned back to Lance. “Let’s just go.”

Lance nodded. They followed Merlin into the kitchen and he retrieved a small plastic bag.

Merlin turned back to Arthur and Lance. “I’m ready.”

Arthur’s eyebrows shot up incredulously. “That’s all you have?” It didn’t look like it contained much more than a couple of days’ worth of clothes and a few other items.

Merlin worried his lip. “That’s pretty much all I came here with.”

Lance and Arthur shared a look. Lance looked back at Merlin and gave him a half-smile. “Let’s go then.”

Lance walked ahead of Merlin and Arthur. Merlin gave Arthur another piercing stare as they slowly walked behind Lance. It took a stumble from Merlin to get him to face forward and not look at Arthur.

Putting as much distance between them, Arthur trudged ahead of Merlin. Arthur had never experienced such a weird feeling of deja vu before. He tried to tell himself that his mind was just playing tricks on him, but everything about Merlin reminded him of the boy Morgana’s voice had told him stories about. Arthur had spent so much time picturing him in his head and Merlin looked so much like what he’d imagined. But Merlin was real.

Glancing behind him, he saw Merlin’s eyes on him and Arthur quickly turned back. Arthur blinked slowly. He was very real.

Lance suggested they stop and get something to eat. He said he was hungry, but Arthur knew the meal was mostly for his benefit and probably Merlin, who was so thin Arthur imagined he was nothing but skin and bones underneath his clothes.

Not that he was picturing Merlin naked or anything. Arthur’s face got hot as that image now popped into his head. When Merlin stared at him again, Arthur thought he might collapse in a fit of nerves.

As they got closer to the diner, Arthur started to get nervous for another reason. There were a few reasons why Arthur didn’t enjoy public dining. He lived in fear of the kind of germs that those types of places could acquire. Everyone might claim to wash their hands, but Arthur didn’t trust it. Plus, all of the sounds and voices tended to overload his senses and cause a mild panic.

He could feel the panic already start to bubble up as soon as they set foot in the Lionheart diner. Lancelot said he had eaten there a couple of times and that the food was good. It was an American themed diner. There were booths in the back, a few tables up front and a long counter in front of a giant blackboard where the specials of the day were written.

Lance immediately walked up to the counter and the three of them sat down on black plastic-coated stools. 

Merlin looked down at his hands. He really hadn’t said anything the entire way there. His gaze would flit to Arthur every now and again. 

Merlin’s stare started to unnerve him. He kept telling himself that Merlin wasn’t the same boy from Morgana’s stories. He chanted it to himself so often that the words jumbled in his head. The noises from the diner didn’t help matters.

Lance continued with the questions he had asked Merlin in the car. Merlin had offered up very little. “Where is Ealdor, Merlin?”

“It’s a really small town outside of London. I’m not surprised you’ve never heard of it.”

A waitress came by to take their order. Lance looked at Arthur and then Merlin. “What do you gentlemen want?”

Arthur just shrugged and said nothing else.

Merlin danced a little in his seat. Arthur was sure prisoners were probably offered better meals than what Cenred had provided for Merlin. The poor boy was probably starving. But Merlin only ordered a small cheeseburger and fries. 

“What sort of things do you like to do, Merlin?”

For the first time since they met him, Merlin’s face lit up. “I really, really love old movies.” He spotted bread rolls on a small tray in front of them. He picked two of them up and grabbed two forks and stuck them into the rolls. He started to make the rolls do an elaborate dance. 

Lance and Arthur just looked at him in confusion. 

Merlin frowned. “Charlie Chaplin.” When he just received blank looks Merlin put down the rolls with a tiny sigh. “I guess I’ll have to introduce you to him.”

Lance shrugged. “I know who Charlie Chaplin is, I’ve just never seen one of his movies.”

Arthur tried to pay attention to Lance and Merlin’s conversation but he was having trouble with his focus. Every time someone came in and out from the back of the kitchen he could hear the audible swish of the door and feel the breeze on his face. He shuddered at the sound of scraping knives against plates. A baby started to cry behind them. It all became a little much for Arthur. He held onto his seat and tried to keep from rocking back and forth. 

In a situation like this it was important for him to remain focused and not let his mind get overloaded. In his head he kept trying to remember the lessons in self-control and discipline that his father used to teach him. Uther always stressed that being poised and focused were two of the most important keys to success. 

Arthur had always prided himself on being preternaturally composed at an early age. But now that control was mostly gone. He constantly fought a losing battle against his own brain. It was the most frustrating feeling and Arthur didn’t think anyone understood how he felt. 

“Arthur, are you alright?” Merlin whispered. 

Startled, Arthur looked up at Merlin with wide eyes. “I’m fine,” he said, trying to keep the strain from his voice.

Merlin didn’t look convinced. Just then a waitress slipped on a spot of jelly on the floor. The huge tray in her hand landed on the counter and slid down it at an alarming speed. With quicker reflexes than he’d ever seen on a person, Merlin was up in a flash and managed to catch the tray before it landed on the floor. 

He looked over at Arthur before bringing the tray over to a couple at one of the tables. He handed one tray loaded with a burger, fries, and pickles to the man and the other tray with a sub and curly fries to the blonde woman. Merlin scratched his head and grabbed the plates and quickly switched them. He did this over and over.

Arthur didn’t know why Merlin was doing that, but it did make him smile a little. The smile fell from his face when he saw one of the waitresses tap Merlin on the shoulder with a stern look on her face. 

“Excuse me, what are you doing?” The curly haired woman with light, chocolate-coloured skin asked. 

Merlin’s eyes widened. “It’s you.”

Lance and Arthur approached the two of them. Arthur saw that the name on the waitresses’ name tag read “Gwen.” He froze a little.

Gwen looked over her shoulder at Lance and Arthur before she turned her attention back to Merlin. “It’s me?”

“Wendy, you have to believe me. I never meant to steal your boyfriend. I thought you guys had broken up but I promise you can have him back now.” 

Arthur had begun to worry that Merlin was having some sort of stroke. Or maybe he was just as crazy as everyone thought Arthur was.

At first, Gwen looked at Merlin quizzically but slowly realization started to dawn in her eyes. She covered a grin that was mixture of shock and amusement.

“Please don’t kill me. I’m supposed to be prom queen!” Merlin continued to recite.

Lance and Arthur both jumped when Merlin started to scream and mimed being stabbed.

Gwen started to laugh at grabbed Merlin’s shoulders. “Alright, that’s enough.”

Merlin grinned happily at her. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I can’t believe you’ve seen that movie,” Gwen said on a laugh.

Lance’s eyes widened. “Oh, is that what that was?”

Gwen looked over at him. “Yes. It was a very, very, very small American movie that I did when I was younger. I guess Merlin here is one of the three people who actually saw it.”

“Along with old movies, I really, really love B movies,” Merlin said to Lance.

“It was more like a D movie really.” Gwen shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’m Gwen, short for Guinevere.”

Lance took her hand and smiled warmly at her. “Hello Guinevere.”

The smile on Lance’s face was different than Arthur had ever seen. If he didn’t know his brother better he would think he was flirting with her. It seemed that Merlin thought the same thing. He was grinning at the two of them and then his gaze drifted to Arthur. When his grin grew wider, Arthur could feel his face growing hot again. 

 

~*~

 

They remained at the diner for a little while longer. Lance chatted with Gwen the entire time. Lance hadn’t met a woman like her in a long time. She was funny, smart, and beautiful and didn’t seem put off at all by Merlin’s odd behavior. Instead she seemed charmed by him. 

Arthur had mostly remained silent the entire time. That didn’t really surprise Lance. What did surprise him were the few times he caught Arthur staring at Merlin. Lance didn’t know why but he seemed to search Merlin’s face for something. He wasn’t sure what he might have been looking for.

When they got home, Arthur went straight up to his room. Merlin followed Lance and he showed Merlin to the couch in the family room. He had thought about allowing Merlin to stay in their guest room, but that room was directly next to Arthur’s. 

As Lance took a few extra blankets from the hall closet he started to wonder if bringing Merlin into their home was such a good idea. He was a stranger after all, a stranger related to a cretin like Cenred. He didn’t want to hold that against Merlin, especially with the way Cenred treated Merlin, but it was a possible cause for concern. 

Nevertheless, it was clear that Merlin had nowhere else to go and Lance refused to let him spend another night under a sink. He shook his head. He didn’t understand how someone could treat a member of their family that way. Then again, he was all too familiar with that kind of man. Cenred was exactly like their Uncle Agravaine.

Lance brought Merlin the blankets and the boy nodded in gratitude. Of course looks could be deceiving, but Lance truly believed that Merlin was a nice boy and didn’t have to worry about him. What he worried about more about was how Arthur might treat him. He considered telling Merlin about Arthur’s illness, but he decided that he’d wait to have that conversation in the morning. Merlin had been through enough change and oddness tonight.

Lance sighed. “I’m really sorry about how Cenred treated you.”

Merlin stared at him intently. “Why would you apologize for his behavior? You didn’t have anything to do with it.”

That was not the response Lance had expected. He shrugged. “I don’t know. I suppose it’s just something you say.”

“I suppose.” Merlin seemed to be weighing his words carefully. “But you seem to really mean it. Most people don’t.”

“I guess I’m not most people. I know how it’s like to be treated the way Cenred treated you. It’s not right,” Lance said, a wave of sadness washing through him that made it almost impossible for him to stand.

“Thank you.” Merlin said and lay back against the arm of the couch. 

“You’re welcome.”

~*~

 

Arthur crept down the stairs as quietly as possible. He had lain in his bed for hours and had tried to will himself to go to sleep and stop thinking about Merlin, but he couldn’t. He grabbed one of his journals. Then, as quietly as before he tiptoed into the family room.

He tried not to feel like a big creep as he watched Merlin sleep. His cheekbones were striking. Arthur went through his journal and looked through the stories Morgana had told him. He read his description of his best ; it fit the boy he was currently looking at even down to those oversized ears.


	5. Chapter 5

Merlin sat nervously on the closed toilet lid as he watched Lance shave. Lance had “woken him up” to talk extremely early in the morning. He was so glad that he had actually been up since the crack of dawn; otherwise he didn’t know what he would have done when he had opened his eyes and Lance stood above him. His magic didn’t really take kindly to surprises. 

He knew that Camelot didn’t have any strict laws against magic. But he wasn’t sure that real magic was something they had really been exposed to. Merlin didn’t want anyone, especially Lance or Arthur, to treat him like a freak so he preferred to keep his magic a secret for as long as he could.

Lance started to shave his chin and looked over at Merlin. Merlin could tell that Lance was very nervous. He hoped that Lance wasn’t about to kick him out already. 

“I’m sorry if I woke you too soon,” Lance started.

Merlin smiled briefly. He had a feeling that Lance spent a great deal of time apologizing for things that he didn’t need to apologize for. “That’s all right. I assume this is important.”

“Very.” Lance took a deep breath. He started to scrape the razor down the left side of his face. “Even if it’s just temporary, if you’re going to stay here I think you should know something about Arthur.” He put down the razor and leaned down and washed the shaving cream off his face.

Merlin didn’t know if Lance was doing this on purpose to increase the anticipation or not.

He turned to Merlin with his face dripping wet. Merlin could safely admit that Lance was a very attractive man. 

Lance used a towel to wipe his face. “Sorry about that.”

Merlin laughed. “Lance, if you could do me one favor and stop apologizing. Even if you run over my cat, just don’t apologize anymore.”

Lance actually blushed as he smiled. “All right.” He sobered up quickly. “Arthur has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.”

Merlin blinked slowly. “Schizophrenia.” He sounded out the word. “That’s a mental...”

“Illness.” Lance finished for him and then nodded. 

Merlin went over his entire interaction with Arthur the previous night. Arthur had been very quiet and Merlin could tell at times that he was agitated, but there was nothing that struck him as mentally ill. Then again he’d only known the man for a few hours.

“He’s not dangerous. He won’t hurt you. He mostly keeps to himself. You just have to be careful not to interrupt his routine. It’s important for him to have structure.” Lance stopped and went back inside his room and brought back a black and white journal. “You should probably read this.”

Merlin’s mouth went dry. He knew he would tell Lance about his magic in time, but his other secret he’d rather not let anyone know at all. It was a horribly embarrassing to be twenty-three and still have difficulty reading. He didn’t meet Lance’s eyes as he took the notebook out of his outstretched hand.

“This will help explain Arthur’s disease and all of his symptoms.”

Merlin didn’t say it out loud but he wondered how many symptoms Arthur had. He really didn’t know the first thing about this and wished that Lance would just explain it all to him. But he didn’t ask. “Thank you for this.”

Lance nodded slowly and pushed himself away from the bathroom counter. “If you stay out of his way, you should get along fine,” Lance assured him again.

“Okay.” It was a fairly big house. Leaving Arthur alone shouldn’t be too difficult.

Repeatedly, Merlin tried to read the journal Lance had given him. Right now he was on his third try but the words were still a jumble that he couldn’t figure out. Even when he tried to use the tricks his mother had taught him it didn’t help.

He slammed it closed and almost threw it across the room before placing it under one of the couch cushions. He didn’t know why he attempted to hide it. It wasn’t like Arthur wasn’t aware of his illness, but Merlin was nervous about how Arthur would feel with Lance having told Merlin about it. He didn’t want to make Arthur uncomfortable.

The house was quiet - Merlin assumed Arthur was in his room - and he decided to explore the backyard. He almost backtracked inside when he saw Arthur. Arthur was leaning against a tree in the middle of the backyard and slowly taking drags from a cigarette.

“I didn’t know you smoked.” The words left his mouth before he even had time to consider whether he should say anything at all.

Arthur looked so startled he almost dropped the cigarette in his hand. “Don’t sneak up on people like that. What would you have done if I had swallowed this?” Arthur held up the cigarette.

Merlin shrugged. “I would have given you the Heimlich Maneuver, which would have been considerably difficult since I don’t really know how to do it. I’ve seen it in movies and on the telly, but I’m sure that’s not really the same thing and I wouldn’t hurt you and...I am rambling like a prat, so I’ll stop talking.”

Arthur didn’t respond. He just leaned his head back against the tree and closed his eyes.

This was Merlin’s chance to do what he should have done before and just leave Arthur be. But he couldn’t stop. “I don’t know what I should do. I’m really bored.”

After a minute of silence, Arthur opened his eye a crack. “Were you telling me that for some reason?”

Merlin smiled nervously. “I was just curious what you did all day.”

Arthur opened his eyes and stared at Merlin. “You’re a grown man, Merlin. I think you can find something to do without my input.”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t bother you. I’m sorry.” He backed away.

Arthur lifted his head and called after Merlin. “Merlin?”

Merlin stopped in his tracks. “Yes?”

“My brother doesn’t know about my smoking. I was hoping we could keep that to ourselves.” 

Merlin smiled. “I wasn’t even here.” He turned around, but stole another glance over his shoulder and could have sworn he saw a small smile on Arthur’s face.

After he left Arthur alone, Merlin sat and literally twiddled his thumbs trying to figure out what he should do. When he was this anxious back home he cleaned, but he wasn’t sure how appropriate it would be to clean someone else’s home, especially someone you had just met. But he didn’t see the harm in it. It would be a nice gesture to thank Lance and Arthur for allowing him into their home. 

He was going to have to approach things a little differently than he was used to. Usually at home he just used his magic to do his chores, though his mother never really liked that and tried to make sure Merlin used regular means as much as possible. So he did know his way around a mop and broom.

He tried to be as quiet as possible as he found the laundry room and gathered some supplies. He always liked to have music playing when he cleaned so he went to look for a radio. Lance said it would be all right to go into his room if he needed anything.

As he made his way over to Lance’s room, he noticed Arthur leave. Merlin was curious where he was going. He had a strong desire to find out, but he assumed it was part of Arthur’s routine and remembered what Lance said about disrupting that so he went on his way.

Finding a small black CD stereo and a stack of CDs on Lance’s dresser, Merlin was in and out of there as quickly as possible.

After looking through Lance’s music choices - Merlin was delighted to discover they had similar taste in music - he put on The Beatles. Even though no one was home, Merlin decided not to use his magic. Merlin had his own routine when he cleaned and started with doing some decluttering.

There were shoes strewn everywhere and he picked them up and put them in the closet in the foyer by the front door. There were sweaters all over the red couches in the living room. He folded them and placed them on the mahogany desk in the corner.

He took the blank composition notebooks all around the downstairs area and placed them on the desk next to the sweaters.

After that, he moved on to the kitchen. He cleaned the dishes and put the sugar bowl next to the coffee machine. He wiped the counters and emptied the dishwasher.

Next up he found a duster in the laundry room and started dusting. To get to the spots too high up, he found a chair with wheels and stood on it. To move back and forth, he used the handle of the duster and pushed off.

When he was done with that, he found the vacuum. After he plugged it in, he looked around the quiet house. It was then that he noticed that Arthur still wasn't back yet. He hoped he was all right.

He started to vacuum. It didn’t take long before he started singing along to “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.”

After a few minutes, he thought he heard something, but thought he was imagining it so he continued. 

“La la la la life goes on…!”

He was startled when the music turned off. He whirled around. Arthur was staring at him with wide eyes. Merlin turned off the vacuum.

“Was it too loud?”

Arthur gave him a look that couldn’t be any clearer if “duh” was spelled out on his forehead.

Merlin rubbed the back of his neck and grimaced. “I’m sorry. You weren’t here so I thought it was all right.”

“All right to have some little concert here?” Arthur gestured toward the radio. “And what have you done with everything?”

“What do you mean?” Merlin walked towards him and Arthur backed up a step.

“My shoes are not where I left them and the kitchen is a disaster.” Arthur shook his head and stalked into the kitchen.

Merlin scratched his head, but followed him. “I don’t think the kitchen is a disaster. It’s a bit of an improvement, don’t you think?” Merlin immediately wanted to slap his forehead - clearly Arthur did not think that.

“The sugar bowl isn’t where it used to be. The counter’s wet. I don’t see the dishes. And I won't even begin to go into what is happening in the living room,” Arthur explained without stopping for a breath and turned on his heel and went to the living room.

Merlin looked down at the floor and immediately regretted his decision to clean at all. He trudged after Arthur.

“My shoes are missing.”

“They’re not missing. I moved them to the front closet.”

Arthur glared at his interruption. “You touched my notebooks as well.”

“They were empty.”

A dark look passed over Arthur’s face and he stalked toward Merlin. “You opened them?”

“I just…” Merlin trailed off. He knew he was in a no win situation here. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think th-”

“Clearly.”

Merlin closed his eyes. He’d blown this already. Maybe Cenred was right and he was just a useless freak. 

He backed away towards the door. “I’m sorry.” Merlin bumped into the couch. He stumbled and quickly righted himself. “I’m sorry.”

Arthur’s face had softened considerably, but he stood stock still and didn’t say anything.

Merlin turned and fled through the front door.

 

~*~

 

When Lance stepped out of his car, he looked toward their neighbor’s house. He was surprised to see Merlin just sitting on the front curb. Lance waved to him, but Merlin just buried his head between his knees.

Lance slowly massaged the back of his neck. He was definitely a strange kid. He wondered how things had gone between Merlin and Arthur.

He rubbed at his eyes and headed towards the kitchen to get a beer. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Arthur seated at the kitchen table. Arthur was bent over with his head on the table.

“Arthur?”

The only response was a muffled groan. 

Lance was immediately concerned. He strode towards the table and sat next to Arthur. He noted right away that he was too close. When Arthur didn’t say anything about that, Lance was even more troubled.

“What happened?” Lance looked towards the front door. “Did Merlin…?”

Arthur groaned again - louder this time.

His next response was too garbled for Lance to understand. “I’m sorry, Arthur. Can you repeat that?”

Arthur picked his head up, but didn't look at Lance. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“What happened?” Lance ran his hands against his jeans and tried not to jump to any conclusions, but all kinds of worst case scenarios were going through his mind. He let out a long breath.

“There was just so much noise.” Arthur started gesturing widely with his hands. “It was the Beatles and his singing and the vacuum...It was too much and I didn’t mean to…” Arthur closed his eyes.

Lance didn’t say anything. When Arthur got agitated like that it was best to not push him.

Arthur finally looked up at Lance. “He cleaned the house.”

Lance furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Merlin cleaned everything and I yelled at him and he left.”

Lance slowly looked around the kitchen. He hadn’t noticed earlier, but things definitely looked - and smelled - nicer in there than it had in some time.

He got up and went to the living room and saw the marked improvement in there as well. 

When he turned around, Arthur was standing behind him wringing his hands.

“It’s amazing.” Lance bit his lip. “And you yelled at him for that?”

It was meant to be a bit tongue in cheek, but Arthur looked truly crestfallen.

“I didn’t mean to. He just surprised me. I wasn’t trying to send him away. That’s not what I wanted.” 

Lance was surprised. He hadn't seen Arthur this worried in a long time. Lance would have thought Arthur would be fine with Merlin leaving.

It was probably not a good idea, but Lance couldn’t tamp down his natural impulse to comfort his brother. Tentatively reaching out his hand, Lance put his hand on Arthur’s shoulder.

It took only a few seconds for Arthur to shrug it off, but he didn't back away which was some progress.

“Arthur, I think it's all right. Merlin is just outside. I’ll go out there and talk to him.”

“Okay.” Arthur nodded.

Lance smiled at Arthur and then left. He walked towards Merlin and as he got closer, Merlin hurriedly stood up.

“I-I know how badly I buggered this up. If you just want me to go and get my bag or if you just want to toss it out or-”

Lance waved his hands in front of Merlin’s face and let out a slight laugh. “I’m not going to toss out your things.”

“So, I should get them then?” Merlin didn’t wait for a response and moved past Lance. “I promise I will be out faster than you can blink.” He stopped and blinked. “Well, that’s sort of impossible, but you know what I mean.”

Lance stared after him in shock. Merlin seemed to have two speeds - either saying nothing or talking a mile a minute. Finally, Lance shook himself and jogged after Merlin. When he caught up to Merlin just inside their driveway, he grabbed his arm.

After Merlin flinched and whirled around, Lance quickly took a step back. “Sorry about that.”

Merlin shook his head. “It’s alright. I’m just not used to anyone touching me.”

“You and my brother have that in common,” Lance responded.

Sighing, Merlin crossed his arms over his chest. “Probably the only thing.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure.” Lance smiled and hoped that his gentle tone and expression would put Merlin at ease. “I know that things were a bit tense today, but I just want you to know that you didn’t mess up.”

‘“Of course I did.” Merlin threw up his hands. “I didn’t do what you asked. I didn’t stay out of Arthur’s way and he yelled at me. I really agitated him.”

Lance sighed. “Arthur gets agitated a lot. Cleaning is not something you need to apologize for.” An idea occurred to Lance and he went with it. “In fact, we could use a lot more of that.”

Merlin’s brow furrowed. “I don’t follow.”

“I need someone to take care of the house during the day - cooking and cleaning. And, more importantly, I need someone to be with Arthur during the day,” Lance explained.

“Being with him? What does that mean exactly? You’d want me to be his caretaker? Because Lance I really have no experience-”

“You don’t need experience,” Lance interrupted. “I don’t need you to necessarily be his babysitter, but it would be nice for Arthur to have someone around so he’s not so isolated. And, yes, I would like it if you made sure he didn’t get into any trouble. But that’s it.”

Merlin chewed on his lower lip. “I don’t know. Even if I wanted to do this, Arthur hates me.”

Lance shook his head so hard he almost gave himself a headache. “No, you couldn’t be more wrong. Arthur’s sorry for how he treated you.”

“He said he was sorry?”

Lance pursed his lips. “He didn’t say the word ‘sorry’ - which is something he rarely does - but he did say that he didn’t mean to yell and he doesn’t want you to leave.”

The way Merlin’s eyebrows shot up on his face almost made Lance laugh. “That is...wow. That is not the impression I got at all.”

“Arthur can be very contradictory.”

“Is that because of the illness?”

Lance pondered this for a moment. It was a hard question to answer. Mood swings were one of Arthur’s symptoms, but he was moody even before he got sick. “Yes and no,” Lance finally answered.

Clasping his hands together tightly, Merlin scuffed his foot against the ground.

Lance took a few steps forward. “Merlin, I’m sorry if Arthur upset you.”

“He didn’t…” Merlin shook his head. “I wish he had been...nicer in how he spoke to me, but I understand why was put off with me changing things, especially without asking him.” He twiddled his thumbs. “As for the job offer…”

“I don’t mean to be pushy,” Lance jumped in. “But I think this would be a win/win situation. You were going to stay with us anyway, but this way you have a free place to live and make a decent wage.”

The sound of Merlin’s light laughter surprised Lance. When Lance looked up glanced up at him he noticed that most of the tension seemed to be gone - Merlin wasn’t standing quite so rigidly - and there was a twinkle in his eye. “You don’t have to try and sell me on this so hard, Lance.”

If Lance could see himself, he was sure that the tips of his ears would be red.

“Before you interrupted, I was going to say as for the job offer I think it could be good for me, and hope it would be good for Arthur - so I accept.” Merlin finished with a small smile.

“That’s excellent.” Lance returned the smile and exhaled. He felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off his shoulders.Of course it was too soon to say, but he was hopeful that with this arrangement he wouldn’t need to look for housekeeper number six any time soon. “Well, now that that’s settled…” He gestured with his head for Merlin to follow him back to the house. “We just need to tell Arthur.”

For once, Lance was confident that Arthur would actually be pleased with a decision of his, even though Lance didn’t talk to him about it first. When he opened the door, he heard the sound of quickly departing footsteps and when he stepped inside he saw Arthur leaning against the doorjamb of the study. He was breathing heavily. 

“What happened?” Arthur said as he looked behind Lance.

When Merlin walked in behind him, Lance watched Arthur’s face. Arthur’s eyes widened and for a split second, Lance saw relief, but then it was gone with a blink, slight cough, and averted eyes. “You’re back.”

Merlin’s lips quirked up. “Nothing gets by you.”

At Merlin’s teasing, Arthur looked up. He didn’t seem annoyed or angry; his expression remained passive as he stared at Merlin. Finally, he cleared his throat. “You shouldn’t have run off before. It was unnecessary. While I was put out by you rearranging everything - which I had every right to be,” Arthur stressed the last part of his statement. He let out a deep sigh. “But, I probably could have reacted with more tact. So, in the future, don’t make the mistake again. Ask for permission first.”

Merlin bit back a grin. “Aye, aye milord.” He mock bowed.

To Lance’s surprise he could see Arthur’s lip twitch and Arthur looked away as he rubbed the back of his neck. Lance looked between the two of them with amused fascination. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen his brother flustered like that before. Lance felt even more confidence in his decision to hire Merlin.

“I hope this means you two can get on better now,” Lance spoke up. “I know it will make Merlin’s job a lot easier.”

“Job?” Arthur jerked his head back to glare at his brother. His previous ease had now vanished.

“Yes,” Merlin piped up swinging his bag back and forth. “Lance hired me as your housekeeper.”

Arthur blew out a breath. “Congratulations. I’ll be in my room.” He left without a backwards glance to either Lance or Merlin.

Merlin looked at Lance in confusion. 

Lance shrugged his shoulders, just as perplexed. “Perhaps he’s just tired. I’ll talk to him.” He grinned at Merlin before going up the stairs.

When he got to Arthur’s room, Arthur was stomping around. “I swear to Christ there must be a pen thief around here. Why can I never find one when I need one?”

Lance went over to Arthur’s desk and picked up the pen that was clearly there. He presented it to Arthur without a word. When Arthur saw what he was holding, he stalked over and snatched the pen from Lance’s hand. Lance frowned. “I don’t understand why you’re in a bad mood. I did what you asked.”

As Arthur took a seat at his desk, he huffed. “That’s absurd.”

Lance’s eyes bulged. “You said you wanted Merlin back.”

Arthur’s head snapped to the side and he glared at Lance. “I never said I wanted Merlin back.”

“You said it was never your intention for Merlin to leave. It wasn’t what you wanted,” Lance replied.

Arthur narrowed his eyes. “Suddenly, you’re a tape recorder?” He looked back down at desk and reached for one of his journals.

Deciding to take a step back and regroup, instead of escalating things, Lance took a deep breath and then went to sit on his brother’s bed. “If you didn’t want Merlin back, what did you want?” He asked in a calm voice.

Arthur sighed. “I was fine with Merlin staying here as a guest, but not as your latest jailer/babysitter.”

Knowing that Arthur couldn’t see him, Lance rolled his eyes. “That’s not what he is. He’s going to be the housekeeper.”

“Same difference,” Arthur muttered. 

Lance threw up a hand and shook his head. “I thought...I thought this would make you happy.”

Arthur threw a glance behind his shoulder. “What would make me happy is if you make sure Merlin does a better job of keeping his distance this time.”

“All right.” Lance rubbed his hands down his thighs and looked over at Arthur. He went back to whatever he was doing at his desk. Lance stood up and walked to the door. He threw one last glance at his brother. “You should really give Merlin a chance. He really wants to help you.” he walked out the door. “Like I do,” he muttered before trudging back downstairs.

 

~*~

 

The next day, Arthur resolved to try and be nicer to Merlin. He realized he probably overreacted to the news of Merlin’s new role in the house. So, he wouldn’t cause trouble if he could help it. But his resolve was being sorely tested and he hadn’t even gotten up yet.

It was noon and he was still sleeping when he heard the annoying whir of the vacuum. The sound was muted since his door was closed, but it was still annoying. He closed his eyes but he was disturbed once again when he heard the vacuum right by his door. When the noise went away he tried to close his eyes again, but soon the noise was back again. And then it was gone again...and then back. After the third time, Arthur whipped his covers off and stalked over to the door.

When he opened the door, Merlin was retreating once again. Arthur tapped him on the shoulder. Merlin whirled around as Arthur crossed his arms over his chest and glowered at him.

Merlin ripped the earbuds out of his ears. “I wasn’t singing this time.” His brow furrowed. “I wasn’t, was I?”

“No, thankfully that wasn’t what contributed to the noise pollution.” He gestured to the vacuum. 

Merlin’s eyebrows shot up and he quickly turned the vacuum off. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were still sleeping.”

“What did you think I was doing in there?”

Merlin bundled up his earbuds and shoved them down into the pocket of his black jeans. 

Arthur looked him up and down. Merlin had on a loose blue t-shirt, but what he thought was odd was Merlin was wearing black braces over them. 

“Honestly, I thought you were avoiding me,” Merlin said with a sheepish grin. 

That wasn’t a bad guess, but Arthur was still skeptical. “Why did you keep loitering outside my room?”

“I wasn’t loitering. I was vacuuming.” Merlin smiled and pointed to the vacuum.

“You could just admit it if you were doing Lance’s bidding,” Arthur retorted.

Merlin’s mouth opened and he looked as if he was searching for a response. 

“I know Lance wants you to check up on me, to make sure I’m taking my medication. So, come on,” Arthur said as he stepped back towards his door.

“Come on where, for what?” 

Arthur just gestured with his head for Merlin to follow him, so Merlin did. Arthur went to his desk and slid over the white pill box. He opened one of the lids and took out a few pills. “So now you can see I’m taking my medication and you can tell Lancelot that.”

Merlin shook his head. “Arthur, I’m not spying on you for Lance. He didn’t ask me to do that. Well, not exactly. He did ask me to make sure you don’t get in trouble, but other than that he didn’t ask me to report back to him.”

Arthur finished swallowing down his second pill. “Really?”

Merlin nodded.

“Oh.” Arthur pursed his lips. He looked a little embarrassed. “Well, I guess I was wrong then. There’s a first time for everything.” His laughter sounded weak. He continued taking his medicine.

Even though he felt a little odd watching him like this, Merlin didn’t look away. “You have to take all of those?” He counted five pills.

Finishing the last one, Arthur nodded. “Every day. Risperdal, zyprexa, paxil, and fish oil.”

Merlin’s eyebrow quirked up. “Fish oil?”

“That’s just for general health.”

“Oh.” He looked down at the white box. “Is this because you’re...schizophrenic?” Merlin wrung his hands and felt guilty for asking.

Arthur slammed down his glass of water. “No.”

Merlin’s eyes widened. “That’s not what Lance told me. He even gave me this journal to read about your illness. I didn’t read it. I thought it would be better to hear it from you.” It was a white lie. It wasn’t a big deal, Merlin tried to convince himself.

Arthur leaned against his desk. “Thank you. I think I can explain it better than Lance and his _special_ journal. All of this,” he gestured to the pillbox, “is an overreaction by my brother.”

“An overreaction?” Merlin repeated.

Arthur rolled his eyes heavenward. “Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an oversimplification. I did have a serious problem. I had some delusions but mostly I was depressed. When I was seventeen I was diagnosed as having depression with psychosis. I took meds for it, but they didn’t really work and I got worse. One doctor said that I had…” He gritted his teeth. “They said I had schizophrenia, but it’s not true and I’m better. Well, I would be better if it weren’t for the medication. It makes me worse.”

“Worse? How so?” Merlin sat down on Arthur’s bed.

Arthur sat down on the chair by his desk. He turned it to face Merlin. “Yeah. There are so many side effects. My thoughts become disoriented, my hands shake.” He listed them off on his fingers. “Dizziness, rashes, vomiting, seizures…”

Merlin’s eyes bulged. “That’s horrible! That always happens?”

Arthur shook his head. “Not all at the same time. Different meds cause different things. And there’s side effect medication, which helps sometimes.”

“If it’s so bad why do you take them?”

Arthur fidgeted with the sleeves of his gray sweater. “It’s for my brother. He’s convinced that I need them to survive. Once I can convince him that I’m better than I don’t have to take them anymore.”

“This all sounds so complicated. I’m sorry.”

Arthur rubbed his forehead. “Thank you.”

Merlin chewed on his bottom lip. “Do you need to take them with food?”

Arthur shook his head.

“Are you hungry?”

Arthur shrugged. “I could eat. Do you cook?”

A slow grin spread over Merlin’s face. “Sort of.”

Arthur had no idea what he meant by that, but when Merlin got up he followed him. When Merlin took the iron in with him to the kitchen Arthur became even more confused. He watched with wide eyes as Merlin got some bread and cheese and made a grilled cheese sandwich...with the iron.

With a smile, Merlin placed a small plate in front of Arthur. He set a big glass of milk beside it. When Arthur looked down at it with a scrunched up face, Merlin laughed. “It’s safe. I promise.”

Deciding to take a chance, Arthur took a tentative bite. It was actually really good. Merlin sat beside him and watched him. It made Arthur a little uncomfortable. He looked down and covered his mouth as he chewed. When he was finished he nodded at Merlin. “It’s good. Thank you.”

Merlin grinned.

“Do you always cook with an iron?” Arthur asked as he picked up the sandwich again.

With a chuckle, Merlin shook his head. “No. Sometimes I use a dishwasher.”

Arthur’s eyes widened and Merlin laughed harder. When he was done, Arthur got up and put his dish by the sink. Merlin followed him and started to clean it. Arthur watched him for a moment. “You’re odd.”

Merlin dropped the dish and soapy water splashed in his face. Instead of looking offended, he seemed amused. “You’re not the first to say that.”

“It doesn’t bother you?” Arthur looked away when Merlin stared at him.

“Yes, it does bother me.” Merlin cleared his throat. “Sometimes. But I realized a long time ago I can’t change what I am...who I am and I really don’t want to.”

Arthur smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re lucky.”

 

~*~

 

Over the next few days, they established a sort of routine. Merlin wouldn’t bother Arthur until noon and then he’d make him a grilled cheese sandwich. Sometimes they had conversation, sometimes they didn’t. Merlin tried to pick up on Arthur’s moods as best he could. By the end of the week, even though Merlin knew he shouldn’t mess with Arthur’s routine, he decided to try and change things up.

He gently knocked on Arthur’s door. If Arthur didn’t answer after two knocks, Merlin planned to walk away. After his second knock, and Arthur didn’t answer, Merlin turned to leave.

“Come in.” Arthur’s voice sounded scratchy. Merlin hoped he hadn’t woken Arthur. 

Even though Arthur had told him to come in, Merlin still walked in cautiously. Arthur was still laying down in bed. “Are you okay?”

“I’m just waking up. I’m not exactly sure what I am.” He sat up in bed. 

“I was just wondering if you might want to go back to the diner with me? I’ve been dying to see Gwen again and talk to her about her movie. I’ve always wanted to know if she’s done anything else?” Merlin hovered by the doorway. He wasn’t sure how comfortable Arthur would be with him in there, especially with him still in bed. 

Arthur pulled back the covers and stood up. He glanced over at Merlin and shook his head. “You don’t need to stand by the door. You can sit down if you want.”

“Oh, thank you.” Merlin stepped further inside and sat on the edge of Arthur’s bed. 

“As for your question, I’m sorry but I don’t really want to go anywhere.” He peered down at Merlin and must have noticed the frown on Merlin’s face, even though Merlin tried not to look too disappointed. “You can go alone. I know my brother told you to keep me out of trouble, but you don’t have to stay shackled to me all day.”

“I don’t mind it,” Merlin said without thinking. 

Arthur’s lips twitched and there was a small smile on his face as he turned towards his desk. 

Merlin started picking at his fingernails - a nervous habit of his. He looked around the room and noticed all of the different journals scattered around the room. “You have journals just like Lance. Seems like you like writing.”

Arthur picked up the journal on his desk. “For the most part. Some of the journals are for my doctor. But some are for me. I write and I draw.”

A big smile spread on Merlin’s face. “You’re creative. I love creative types. I like to think of myself as creative.”

“Obviously with your ‘cooking.’” Arthur used air quotes and grinned.

Merlin chuckled. He looked at the journal Arthur was clutching. “Do you ever share your writing with anyone?”

The smile on Arthur’s face dropped. “My writing is very personal so I don’t really like to share it with anyone.”

“You don’t like sharing much with anyone, do you?” He didn’t mean it as an accusation, but by the hard look in Arthur’s eyes he could see that was the way he took it.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Merlin held up his hands. “I wasn’t trying to imply anything wrong. It was just an observation. You always keep to yourself and you barely talk to anyone. It must be really lonely.”

Arthur swallowed. He walked over and sat on the opposite side of the bed. “I mostly prefer it this way for many reasons. One of them being that many people in Camelot know about me and they’re always looking at me like I’m going to lose it at any minute and that I’m a f...a freak.”

Arthur’s words hit Merlin like a punch in the gut. He knew that feeling all too well. “I know it’s not a fun feeling.”

“No offense, Merlin, but you cook weird things and you dress…” He pursed his lips as he looked at Merlin’s white t-shirt/braces/neckerchief combo. “You dress...how do I put this kindly...unconventionally.”

Merlin chuckled. “All true.”

Arthur continued. “You’re peculiar. It’s a little different.”

Drumming his fingers against his thigh, Merlin scrutinized Arthur. It took him just a second to decide whether to share his secret with Arthur. “What if I told you that there was more to it than that?”

Arthur leaned forward. “Like what?”

“I don’t want you to panic, okay?”

Arthur pulled his legs up to his chest and looked nervous.

“I promise it’s nothing to worry about.” Merlin took a deep breath. “I have magic.” He said it in one breath and didn’t look at Arthur as he said it. When he looked over at Arthur his mouth was open, but his expression was more shocked than horrified.

“Is that true?”

Looking over at Arthur’s desk, Merlin concentrated and used his magic to float the blue pen sitting there over to them. When it settled in his hand, he gave it to Arthur. 

Arthur’s wide eyes went from Merlin to the pen and back to the pen. He crawled closer to Merlin. “This is...wow.” He stared at Merlin. “Do you know your eyes glow when you do that?”

Merlin nodded. “I have been told that.” He cocked his head to the side. “You don’t seem even a little freaked out about this.”

Arthur smiled. “I think it’s wonderful. I’ve always wanted to meet someone with magic.”

Merlin couldn’t help beaming at Arthur. The only other person who ever referred to his magic as wonderful was his mother. He turned serious and gazed at Arthur. “I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t tell Lance yet. He seems like a really sweet bloke, but the whole reason my mum wanted me to come here was because she was afraid of too many people knowing about my magic and what could happen. I don’t think she’d love it if I told everyone that I met here.”

“I promise he won’t hear about this from me,” Arthur said in a sincere voice. He put the pen down and then he seemed to notice how close they were sitting and scooted back. “I’m curious. If you’re worried about people finding out, why did you tell me?”

Merlin ran his hands through his hair and stared up at the ceiling. “I have this sense that I can trust you and…” He looked into Arthur’s eyes. “I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. We can be oddballs together.”

Arthur’s smile was tentative at first, but it soon grew wider than Merlin had seen from Arthur before. Telling him his secret was worth it for that smile alone.


	6. Chapter 6

As Lance was finishing up going through details about their two clients - one was Vivian and one was private security they were doing for a party that was being held by Annis’ old firm - he noticed that Gwaine barely seemed to be paying attention. 

He got up from the conference table and walked over to Gwaine and bopped him on the head with the folder in his hands. “Not enough sleep, old boy.”

Gwaine chuckled. “It’s not that. The problem is I think I’m going deaf.”

Both Lance and Leon laughed. “What are you talking about?” Leon asked his brother.

“It’s Vivian. She’s incredibly loud!” Gwaine answered.

Lance wrinkled his nose. “We really don’t need to know the details.”

“It’s not that.” He got up and poured himself a drink of water. He mumbled something into his cup.

“What was that?” Leon leaned forward.

Gwaine sighed. “We haven’t gotten that far yet.”

Leon and Lance shared a look and then Leon started to snicker. “It’s never taken you this long before. You’re starting to slip, brother.”

Gwaine leaned against the table. “She said that she’s heard about my reputation. I don’t even know what that means.”

Lance laughed and looked at Gwaine like he’d grown two heads. He put on a faux shocked voice. “Wherever would she get that idea. You? A reputation?”

Both Lance and Leon started to laugh. 

Gwaine walked over and slapped both of them on the back of the head. That only increased their laughter. He plopped down in his seat again and glared at them. When their laughter died down, Gwaine continued. “If you two are done?”

Neither of them said anything.

“Anyway, Vivian is a really sexy bird but, crikey, she is so loud and shrill - and she doesn’t stop talking, _ever!_ She’s a nightmare!” Gwaine groaned.

“And you’re actually surprised by that?” Leon offered his brother no sympathy.

Gwaine shrugged. “I suppose not, but it’s still annoying!”

Lance leaned forward on the table. “But you’re still going to try to sleep with her?”

“Of course.”

Lance just shook his head as Gwaine laughed.

They started to gather up their things and prepare to leave for the day. As they walked to the door, Leon reached out and touched Lance’s arm. “What happened with that Merlin bloke? Where did he end up?”

Lance looked down and pursed his lips. “Uh...he’s still with me.”

Gwaine and Leon stopped in their tracks.

This was why Lance had avoided telling them anything.

“You’re letting a stranger live in your house?” Leon asked in an incredulous voice. “I understand why you let him stay that first night, but it’s been a week now.”

“I know.” Lance sighed. “But he’s a really good kid and he and Arthur actually get along. So I decided to hire him as our housekeeper.” He didn’t think it was possible for their eyes to get any bigger.

Gwaine stepped toward him and put his arm around him. They started to walk again. “Lance, you’re a really amazing and loyal person and that’s wonderful usually, but you have to stop.”

Lance shook his head. “Stop what?”

“Stop taking anyone everyone else’s problems as your own. You can’t fix everyone. You’re going to drive yourself around the bend if you keep trying.” He patted Lance’s shoulder and walked away.

Lance just looked up at the sky and exhaled deeply.

 

~*~

 

Arthur peaked around the corner again and watched Merlin as he filled the steel bucket with water from the sink. He didn’t have Lance’s iPhone, but he was still bopping along with a smile on his face and humming. It made Arthur smile the way Merlin could be happy even doing mundane things. It reminded Arthur of his mother.

Deciding that he had done enough creepy spying for one day, he walked into the kitchen and clapped. Merlin actually yelped and almost dropped the bucket on the floor. That just made Arthur snicker.

“You know you’re very quiet. You’re like a ninja,” Merlin said as he put his hand to his chest and panted.

Arthur grinned. “I believe that’s the only time anyone has ever told me that.” He gazed around the room. “I have to say you’re doing a much better job than Grunhilda ever did.”

Merlin put the bucket down and smiled up at Arthur. “Was that an actual compliment? You’re going to start making me think you actually want me here.”

Despite his best efforts Arthur could feel a smile start to form on his face. He turned away and pretended to need something out of the refrigerator. Merlin went over by the side door and came back with a mop. Arthur leaned against the refrigerator and watched him soak the mop in the bucket.

“May I ask you something, Merlin?” 

Merlin glanced up at him. “I doubt I could stop you.”

“Why are you doing this?” Arthur asked and pointed at the mop.

Merlin looked down at the mop. “Well, if I don’t the floor won’t get clean.”

Arthur pushed back from the fridge and took a few steps closer. “I know that. What I meant was why don’t you use your magic?”

“Oh,” Merlin drawled. His forehead crinkled and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I suppose I didn’t want to-”

“Freak me out?” Arthur interrupted.

Merlin pursed his lips and nodded. “That’s part of it, yeah.”

“And the other part?”

Sighing, Merlin set the mop and bucket aside. “My mother didn’t like me using my magic.” He held up his hand. “Uh, I don’t mean that she thought there was anything wrong with it. She just never wanted me to overly rely on it. She didn’t want me to become spoiled and dependent on it.”

“That makes sense.” Arthur cocked his head to the side and grinned. “ _But_ there is one thing you’re forgetting.”

Merlin’s brow furrowed. “What’s that?”

“Your mother isn’t here.” 

A slow smile spread over Merlin’s face. “So you want me to use my magic?”

Arthur sat down on a stool by the island in the middle of the kitchen. “I just want you to do what’s convenient for you,” he said with a mischievous grin on his face.

“Right.” Merlin nodded his head slowly. 

Arthur rested his chin in his hands and watched with rapt attention as Merlin turned, his eyes were a brilliant gold and Arthur heard the vacuum start up from the next room. The vacuum moved on its own into the family room across from the kitchen and Arthur followed it with his eyes.

His attention was suddenly diverted away from the vacuum when he heard a loud snapping sound and saw the blinds in the kitchen drawn up. A few rags floated in the air, dripping with soapy water and Merlin moved them to the window where they started to wash the windows.

This was absolutely fascinating. Magic had always been something that Arthur liked. Even though his father thought it was silly on his birthday he always allowed Arthur to have a magician at his birthday parties. Arthur would always become obsessed with trying to figure out how they pulled off their tricks.

But this - Merlin - was completely different. This was real magic and it was the most wondrous thing Arthur had ever seen. Watching what Merlin was doing wasn’t really the most amazing part. It was knowing that Merlin was causing all of this. It was like watching a miracle happening right in front of him.

Arthur was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t even see Merlin leave. He almost jumped off his seat. For a brief second, he wondered if Merlin made himself disappear. “Merlin?” He called out.

“In here.”

Arthur followed the sound of his voice to the study. His mouth dropped open at the sight before him. Merlin was actually levitating in the air. He had a duster in one hand and was dusting the top of the large side window.

“You can-”

“Actually, no!” Merlin said as he looked over his shoulder. “I can’t fly. I can only move up and down and it doesn’t really last very long. So I should probably-” Merlin suddenly dropped and Arthur heard a loud thud. “Bloody hell!”

Arthur rushed over to him. Merlin was cradling his head. Hovering above him, Arthur wasn’t sure what to do. Merlin seemed alert and unharmed. “You’re lucky we have carpet in here.”

“And that I have a thick head,” Merlin said. He winced as he slowly stood up. 

Gingerly Merlin walked over to the couch and sat down. Arthur followed him and stood over him. “Don’t you have any way of preventing that?” He nodded with his head toward the window.

“I’ve never been able to before.” 

“Ice!” Arthur suddenly shouted. 

Merlin jumped back.

“You need ice for your head, don’t you? I think people do that.” Arthur was sure he’d seen that on television.

“I don’t really-” Merlin started.

Arthur rushed over to the kitchen before Merlin could finish. He grabbed a handful of ice out of the icebox. Wincing from the cold, he rushed to the cupboard and got a bowl and dumped the ice in it. Racing back, he thrust the bowl in front of a bewildered Merlin.

Seeing the look on Merlin’s face, Arthur realized he probably got it wrong. He sighed. “I did this wrong, didn’t I?”

Merlin took the bowl out of his hand and looked at Arthur with a gentle smile. “It’s fine. I don’t really need it. I heal fairly quickly.”

“Is that because of your magic?” Arthur tentatively sat down next to Merlin as far away as possible.

“No, I’ve just always been a quick healer.” Merlin then wrinkled his nose. “I suppose it could be because of my magic.”

“Do you know anything about your magic?”

Merlin looked a little chagrined and played with the melting ice in the bowl. “Not really.” He glanced at Arthur out of the corner of his eye. “I was born like this, Arthur. It’s taken me a long time to learn how to control my magic and learn how to do the things I’m able to.”

“You could do some research. Read up on it?” He noticed Merlin’s eye twitch and he fidgeted.

Putting the bowl down on an end table, Merlin cleared his throat. “I think I know everything I need to.”

Arthur chewed on the bottom of his lip. “Are you ashamed of your magic?”

“No,” Merlin said immediately. “It’s not that at all. I just...I said before that my mother doesn’t like me using my magic too often. The truth is I don’t like using it too often either. The more I use it the more it just becomes second nature to me and sometimes people see my use it and they... not everyone acts the way you do. I’m not ashamed of it, but I just don’t want to deal with that. It’s why people like Cenred treat me the way they do.”

“Cenred’s a wanker,” Arthur spit out.

Merlin chuckled, but it seemed to stick in his throat. “Yeah. You know he said he’d do worse than have me sleep under the sink if I let anyone know I have magic.”

“Such a horrible man,” Arthur growled. “You should have turned him into a toad. Or a donkey.” 

This time Merlin laughed in earnest. He wiped away tears from his eyes as he turned to look Arthur. “That’s not something I can do.”

“You should learn.” 

“I’ll get right on that,” Merlin quipped. 

Arthur looked down and suddenly became fascinated with his hands. He wanted to say something but he wasn’t sure how to put it. “I-I think you should learn more about your magic. It makes you special. You shouldn’t have to hide.”

Merlin reached out a tentative hand, but let it fall between them. “You, too.”

It was on the tip of Arthur’s tongue to reply that it was different, but when he caught Marlin staring intently at him his mouth snapped shut. He instantly felt weird and stood up. Over the years he’d felt a lot of weird, mostly uncomfortable sensations in his body, but this felt different. The way his stomach flipped felt weird, but not unpleasant. Turning to face Merlin he crossed his arms over his chest and then uncrossed them, suddenly unsure what to do with his arms.

Finally, Arthur cleared his throat. “Uh, you said a few days ago that you want to go back to Lionheart diner. Do you still want to go?”

Merlin stood up. “You’d want to go?”

“I think so. I think I can handle it.” He hoped he could. As he looked at Merlin an idea came to him. “I’ll go under one condition.”

“What is it?”

Arthur flicked the red neckerchief around Merlin’s neck. “That has to go.”

 

~*~

 

Merlin agreed to Arthur’s demand. He swapped the neckerchief for a favorite old fedora of his that reminded him of Charlie Chaplin.

Before they left Arthur took his medication. Merlin gave him some privacy since he didn't want Arthur to feel like he was spying on him. 

On the way to the diner they mostly stayed silent. Even though he tried to hide it, Merlin could see Arthur staring at him from time to time. It seemed to Merlin like he was searching his face for something, but Merlin wasn't sure what.

When they got to the diner, Merlin looked around and didn’t spot Gwen right away. He hoped that he hadn’t missed her or come too early. He turned to Arthur. “Where do you want to sit?”

Arthur shifted from foot to foot as he looked around. Finally he shrugged. “Anywhere is fine.”

“Okay.” Merlin led them to a booth towards the back. 

Arthur picked up the menu and ran his hand over it. He sprang up suddenly. “I need to use the facilities.” 

Merlin pointed to the back. “I think it’s in the corner back there.”

Arthur rushed off.

Merlin watched him go and kept an eye on the bathroom door. Maybe he was overreacting, but he started to wonder if he should have brought Arthur there. The last time they were at the diner Arthur seemed uncomfortable and with the way he bolted towards the bathroom, Merlin was a little worried.

“Hello.”

Merlin flinched. He didn’t know why he was so jumpy lately. Looking up, he smiled when he saw the person that startled him was Gwen.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that.” She cocked her head and stared down at him. “It was Merlin, right?”

Merlin nodded. “Yes. You remember me.”

“Well, you made quite the impression.” She smiled at him warmly. 

Merlin didn’t think the smile on his face would ever come off. “That’s quite a compliment coming from you. A film star.”

Gwen shook her head. “I am the furthest thing from a film star.” She swept her hand down her side. “Would a movie star where something like this?”

Merlin looked her up and down. He thought the lavender dress with the white apron wasn’t so bad. “I think that’s rather fetching actually.”

“Thank you.” She ran a hand through her curly hair. “I still can’t believe you’ve seen that movie.” 

“It’s a classic!” 

Gwen laughed. “It’s possible you need to get out more Merlin if you think that movie was a classic.”

“You’re probably right.” Merlin said while chuckling.

“I should probably do my actual job now. Are you ready to order?”

Merlin bit his lip and looked over to the restrooms. “I don’t know. My…” He trailed off as he tried to think about how to refer to Arthur. “Uh...Arthur is in the loo.”

Just then Arthur came back and sat down in his seat without even glancing at Gwen. 

“Hello, Arthur,” Gwen said in a cheery voice.

Arthur briefly glanced up at her. “Hello.” He gave her a curt nod.

“So are you just naturally quiet or are you trying to seem mysterious?” Gwen tried to tease Arthur.

Unfortunately, Arthur didn’t seem to notice that Gwen had spoken to him. Merlin cleared his throat. “Arthur?”

When he looked up at Merlin, his expression was blank. “What?”

Merlin pointed to Gwen. “Gwen was talking to you.”

“Oh.” Arthur turned to her but didn’t say a word.

Gwen’s laugh was hesitant this time. “I-I was just commenting about how quiet you are. You didn’t say much when I met you before either.”

Arthur seemed taken aback. “We’ve met?”

“Of course.” Merlin shook his head. “The first night we met and you and Lance brought me here.”

Recognition seemed to dawn in Arthur’s eyes. “Oh, right. You’re the waitress my brother fancies.”

Merlin sputtered in surprise. He almost felt embarrassed on Lance’s behalf. When he glanced at Gwen she was blushing. “See, you definitely made an impression.” 

“That’s good to know,” Gwen muttered. She bit back a smile and looked down at the pad in her hand. “What would you like today?”

Arthur looked down at the menu. “I’m not sure.”

“Right now our lunch special is a roast beef sandwich,” Gwen said.

Arthur sighed and then looked at Merlin. “What do you want?”

Merlin was trying to look at the menu without squinting. When he glanced up and saw Arthur watching him he got nervous. “Uh, the roast beef sounds good.” He tried not to grimace since roast beef really wasn’t his favorite.

“Okay.” Gwen nodded. 

“I’ll just have the same thing,” Arthur replied.

“And anything to drink?” Gwen asked.

“I’ll just have water.” Merlin handed Gwen his menu.

“I’m not thirsty,” Arthur said.

Gwen took his menu. “All right, I’ll be back with your order right away.”

After he watched Gwen leave, Merlin turned to Arthur. “Are you all right?”

Arthur’s eyes snapped up to stare at Merlin. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Merlin shrugged. “You were just in the loo for a long time.”

For some reason Arthur glanced around before he leaned forward, putting his arms on the tabletop. “I don’t really need to tell you what goes on in the bathroom that can take a bit of time, do I?”

Merlin held up his hands and scrunched up his face. “No! I think I get the picture, very vividly I may add. Sorry I asked.”

Arthur sat back in his seat. 

Gwen was true to her word and was back soon with their food. She placed their meals in front of them. She was about to leave when Merlin stopped her. “I really don’t think _Kill Her With Kindness_ was that bad.”

Arthur turned up his nose. “It was called _Kill Her With Kindness_?”

Gwen nodded. “Yes. Just one of the many terrible things about it, including my performance.”

Merlin vehemently disagreed and shook his head. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”

Gwen squeezed Merlin’s shoulder. “You’re very sweet, but I was absolutely rubbish. It’s probably why I ended up back here,” she said matter-of-factly.

“You haven’t done anything else?” Merlin picked up his sandwich.

“Not really,” Gwen replied. She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

Gwen waved off his apology. “No need to apologize. I’m really okay. Some people are meant to be actors and some aren’t.”

Sadly, Merlin knew exactly what she meant. He swallowed and put down his sandwich. “That’s probably true. I don’t know if I would have been a very good one.”

Gwen stared down at him. “Did you want to act?”

Merlin briefly smiled. “Yes, very much so. I’ve just been far too shy to try it.”

“I know this might sound contradictory after what I just said, but I think you should give it a shot.” Gwen pursed her lips and seemed to be pondering something. “I had an acting teacher here and she was really good at helping the more quiet students break out of their shell.”

“What was her name?” Merlin asked out of curiosity, even though he was skeptical that anything could be done about his issue. 

He really did love entertaining people. When he was younger he did it all the time. Whenever his Mum and Dad had parties and people started to run out of things to talk about him, his Mum would ask him to entertain to perk things up. He would do little magic tricks - though nothing too big so as not to arouse suspicion about his abilities.

For some reason when he got older he just became quieter and quieter. His mother said it might have to do with his father’s death when he was nine, but Merlin wasn’t sure. Because he didn’t make many friends he stayed at home and him and his brother Mordred would watch movies after school and all day on the weekends. That’s where his deep love of movies came from.

Gwen sighed. “I can’t remember her full name. I think I have it in my phone.” She glanced down at her uniform. “We’re not supposed to keep our phones on us while we’re working. But I can look it up after my shift. It’s over in an hour. If you can’t wait perhaps you can stop by tomorrow.”

An idea came to him and Merlin blurted it out without thinking. “Maybe you can come over to the house and we can talk there.”

Gwen looked surprised. 

The more he thought about it, the more he thought this was a great idea. It would give him and Gwen a chance to talk as well as put Gwen and Lance in the same room together. Merlin heard a rhythmic tapping and looked down and saw that Arthur was tapping his foot over and over on the floor. He wondered if Arthur was annoyed with him. He probably should have asked him first.

Merlin turned to Arthur. “I’m sorry. I should have asked you first.”

Arthur nodded.”Yes. But it’s alright. Gwen seems pleasant enough. I don’t suppose it’ll hurt if she comes to the house for a couple of hours. Will give her and Lance another chance to make eyes at each other.”

“Arthur!” Merlin admonished him.

“What?” Arthur shrugged.

Gwen put her hand to her cheek and laughed. “It’s fine,” she said to Merlin. 

“I don’t want to wait here for another hour,” Arthur added.

“That’s fine.” Gwen tore off a piece of paper from her pad and handed it and a pen to Merlin. “Write down the address.”

Merlin looked at it as if Gwen just handed him a bomb. He backed away and wrung his hands. He could write, but he was embarrassed at how long it took him and how childlike it looked.

Arthur took the paper and pen. “I don’t think he remembers the address.”

Merlin let out a small sigh of relief and picked at the pickle on his plate.

Arthur handed Gwen the paper back. 

“Thank you.” Gwen smiled. She stared at Arthur for a second. “I sort of need the pen, too.”

“Oh,” Arthur looked down at the pen clutched in his hand and handed it to her. 

Gwen chuckled. “Thanks. I’ll see you later.” She went off to greet two guests who just walked into the diner.

They finished their lunch quickly and then left, with Merlin waving to Gwen. 

 

~*~

 

When Lance walked into the house, he expected to hear the same quiet as usual. He was surprised to hear laughter as closed the door. He supposed it wasn’t that unusual. Merlin and Arthur were getting along a lot better. What definitely threw him for a loop was hearing the sound of a female voice.

He followed the sound of the voices to the living room and his eyes widened when he saw Merlin and Arthur with Guinevere. Arthur didn’t usually like guest of any kind, but he was smiling as he sat in an armchair watching Guinevere and Merlin on the couch. They were watching something on the television.

Merlin was the first to spot Lance’s presence. “Hello, Lance.”

Guinevere turned to look at him. She gave a short wave. “Hello.”

Lance gulped and realized he was staring at her. “Hello, Guinevere.”

She laughed. “It’s Gwen.”

Lance stared down at the floor with a sheepish grin. “Sorry. I forgot.”

“It’s all right.”

“See, they’re doing it already. It’s disgusting,” Arthur said as he finally turned to look at Lance.

“Arthur!” Merlin exclaimed.

As Gwen chuckled, Lance scratched his head in confusion. “What’s happening?”

“Nothing,” Merlin said as he stood up and jogged over to Lance. He pulled Lance forward and sat him down on the couch - right next to Gwen. “You haven’t missed the best part.”

Lance glanced at the television. “The best part of what?”

“My movie,” Gwen groaned. “Though I maintain that there are no best parts.”

Lance reached toward the popcorn bowl on the glass coffee table. “When did we get popcorn?”

“We went shopping today,” Merlin said as he looked over at Arthur.

Lance looked between the two of them. “Arthur went shopping? He _hates_ the grocer’s.”

“And I stand by that, but it had to be done.” Arthur put his feet up on the coffee table. 

Lance grinned at Arthur and then at Merlin. 

“Wendy, you have to believe me. I never meant to steal your boyfriend. I thought you guys had broken up but I promise you can have him back now.”

Lance turned when he heard Gwen’s voice on the television. The line sounded familiar. 

As Gwen buried her face in her hands, Merlin mouthed the lines along with the movie.

“You’re my sister. I would never hurt you!” 

Lance had to chuckle when Gwen let out a muffled squeal behind her hands. When he looked at the screen, he winced. She was wearing a truly garish and horrid blond wig. 

In the movie, Gwen started to shriek. Some other female characters was advancing on her. When the second woman came out of the shadows it was revealed to be Gwen, in a somehow even worse curly, red wig.

“You know Gwen you said this was horrible and I think you were wrong.” Arthur piped up, surprising Lance. “I think you were being kind. This isn’t just rubbish. This is...like the excrement of the bugs that feast on rubbish.”

Even though he tried to stop himself, Lance snorted. But he quickly stopped when he saw how wide Gwen’s eyes were. He felt immensely relieved when Gwen suddenly burst out laughing. Even Arthur chuckled a little. Merlin was the only one who didn’t join in.

After the movie was done Gwen got up and said her good-byes to Merlin and Arthur. Lance offered to walk her out. He closed the door behind him. “It was nice seeing you - both in person and on-screen.” Lance teased.

Gwen beamed at him. “I’m glad you feel that way after seeing my performance. A performance your brother compared to excrement. “ She held up her finger. “Wait, bug excrement.”

Lance chuckled. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine.”

An awkward silence settled between them.

Lance massaged the back of his neck. “Uh, I suppose we’ll see you again if we’re ever in the Lionheart. Well, I’m sure we will visit there again so we’ll definitely see you. Unless you’re not working, then we probably won’t. They can’t work you every day can they?” His laugh was weak even to his own ears. He wanted to slap himself for sounding like such an idiot.

Gwen grinned. “Believe me my boss would love to try.” She chewed on her bottom lip and then started to back away. “Well, goodnight then.”

“Goodnight.” Lance gave a short wave. Inwardly, he cursed at himself. 

Gwen was pretty. She was nice. She was funny. She put up with Arthur with a smile on her face. He should be marrying her, but somehow he couldn’t find the words to ask her out. 

Lance’s attention was diverted back to Gwen, who had just closed her car door. She waved at him again, but when she went to start her car nothing happened. Lance saw her look down and she frowned. When she rested her head against the steering wheel, he quickly approached the car.

He knocked on the window. When she rolled the window down, he crouched down. “Car won’t start?”

“No, because I’m an imbecile who keeps forgetting to turn the headlights off.” Gwen sighed.

‘It’s okay. I have a jump box.” But then Lance closed his eyes and winced. “Which isn’t fully charged.”

Gwen shook her head. “We make a fine pair. I have a plug-in jump starter...but it’s at home.”

Lance laughed. He stood up. “Okay, what we can do is, I can drive you home. When I get back I’ll charge up my jump box and charge your car. I can drive it to you right away if you need it.”

Gwen waved her hand. “No. I live a half hour from here. I don’t want you to have to keep driving back and forth. I do have to be at work tomorrow, but I can get my friend Elena to take me.”

“Are you sure?” Lance asked.

Gwen nodded.

“I’ll just get my keys.” 

“Okay.”

Lance hurried off and went inside to get his keys off the coffee table. He found Merlin and told him where he was going and for how long and asked him to call if there were any problems.

When he stepped outside, Gwen was sitting on the hood of her car. Lance walked over and directed her toward his black Nissan which was next to hers. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed her car when he pulled up.

On the way to Gwen’s flat, Lance tried to think of something to ask her. It took him two minutes to come up with something. “Was that your first movie?”

Gwen blinked at him. “Oh, what we just watched? Yes. _Kill Her With Kindness_ was my first.”

“That’s what it was called?” Lance asked with a laugh. 

Gwen chuckled. “Yes.” 

After smiling at her for a few seconds, he realized he should be keeping his eyes on the road. “You said it was American. Did you live in America?” 

Gwen rubbed her hands over her jeans. “I had this dream of becoming a professional actress and my friends said I’d probably have better luck in the states. So, despite being petrified I moved to the US after I was done with school. I thought I was really lucky because I talked to someone and I was able to find an agent right away. I went on audition after audition for so many things, but didn’t get anywhere.” 

“That must have been hard.” 

Gwen frowned. “It was. After three months, I got so desperate that I took that movie. I thought I could just get my foot in the door that way. But the more I worked on it, the more I realized I just wasn’t very good.” 

“I don’t know if that’s fair. I don’t know if Meryl Streep could have made that movie work,” Lance retorted. 

Gwen snorted. “That’s true.” Her smile faded. “But I’d heard the same thing in drama school. ‘I was pretty, but had no depth’ as an actress. I heard the same thing in the states. Plus, that I didn’t have the right chemistry or screen presence or a hundred different things.” 

Lance gripped the steering wheel tightly. He hadn’t known Gwen long, but she was so sweet that he hated thinking of people being so unkind to her. 

“But I didn’t give up after the movie. I did a bit part in another movie - another horrible one - and I managed to book this stupid tv commercial for some brand of American toothpaste I can’t even remember now. The director kept telling me I was doing it all wrong. Somehow I wasn’t smiling right. After two days they sacked me.” 

Lance looked over at her. He wanted to reach out his hand to put his arm around her, but he was driving, plus he wasn’t sure if he was being too forward. “I’m so sorry.” 

Gwen just nodded. “After crying for days, I started to wonder if I was wrong. When everyone keeps telling you the same thing you have to wonder if they’re crazy or maybe it is actually you that’s wrong. So I came back here and realized that I might have to find another dream.” 

When he glanced at her briefly, he saw her expression was shuttered and then she turned to gaze out the window. 

Lance sniffed. “I know what that’s like. I had to give up on my dream to stay here with my brother.” 

Gwen’s gaze slowly shifted to him and they stared into each other’s eyes. “You do understand, don’t you?” 

As he turned to concentrate on the traffic, he nodded. “More than I would care to.” 

The rest of the drive, they were both silent. When he arrived at Gwen’s flat, Lance sighed. “I’m sorry for bringing up such a sore subject.” 

Gwen shook her head. “You didn’t know.” 

Lance ran his hands through his hair. “Uh, tomorrow I can bring your car to the diner if that would work best.” 

“Or maybe you could bring it back here then we can go out somewhere to eat. I’d like to thank you for helping me.” Gwen fiddled with her purse and was barely meeting his eyes. 

“Are you asking me out on a date?” 

She continued to look down, but soon a confident smile spread across her face and she gazed up at him. “Yes.” 

The only time a woman had ever propositioned him like this was...well, it was Vivian. And this was much, _much_ more welcome. Lance hoped he wasn’t blushing as he smiled at her. “I’d like that.” 


	7. Chapter 7

Being around Merlin felt so odd to Arthur. He couldn’t remember the last time he had smiled so often. Merlin was so open with his magic around Arthur. He could see that Merlin felt much happier and free whenever he got to use it. Being around someone so different was freeing for Arthur as well. For the first time in ages he actually felt somewhat normal.

Unfortunately as good as Merlin made him feel, physically he wasn’t doing so well. The side effects of the medication were really beginning to affect him. It started around the time that they visited Gwen at the Lionheart diner. Arthur felt jittery all day and no matter what he couldn’t get comfortable, especially when he was sitting down. 

He thought he had mostly hidden it well. But when he started drooling uncontrollably the next day, he kept his distance from Merlin. Whenever Merlin knocked on his door, he told him to go away. He hated to think he was making Merlin feel bad. It was the first time in forever he actually cared what someone else thought and felt.

The next day he was too tired to tell Merlin to go away when he knocked in the morning. He slid the covers off his face and peaked up and saw that Merlin was standing over him with a tray. When Arthur sat up a little more he saw that he had two grilled cheese sandwiches on a plate, some tomato soup, a cup of coffee, and water.

Arthur sat up fully. “Thank you.” He pointed at the coffee. “I can’t really have caffeine.”

“I know.” Merlin set the tray in front of Arthur with a smile. “It’s for me.” He went and took the chair from Arthur’s desk and slid it toward the bed and sat next to Arthur. 

As he watched Merlin take his coffee, Arthur hoped and prayed that he would manage to not drool too much. He took a bite of his sandwich. “Thank you for these. Grilled cheese has never been my favorite until these.”

“It must be the rayon setting.” Merlin chuckled.

“Hmm.” Arthur swallowed. “I would have thought wool would work better.”

“It probably could.” Merlin blew into his cup. “What I know doesn’t work is silk and cotton. Silk makes it too soggy and cotton burns it.”

“I would have never guessed. You should probably have your own cooking show.” Arthur teased.

Merlin smiled before taking a sip of his coffee.

When Arthur reached for his water, his hand started to shake. The tremor was a lot worse than it was yesterday. He tried to shove his hand back under the covers.

Merlin pursed his lips and looked down at where Arthur’s hand was. He’d clearly seen what happened. He took a gulp of coffee and looked at Arthur over the rim of his cup. After he swallowed again, Merlin nodded towards Arthur’s hand. “Is that a side effect?”

Arthur sighed. “Yes. I couldn’t even write last night.”

“If it’s getting bad maybe you should tell Lance,” Merlin suggested.

Arthur shook his head so hard it exacerbated his already growing headache. “I’m an adult and I can handle it. I have an appointment with my doctor in a few days. I think Dr. Scott won’t make a big deal out of it like Lance would.”

Merlin looked down at the floor and Arthur was surprised to see that his lips were twitching and it looked like Merlin was trying not to laugh. When Merlin saw Arthur staring at him he looked up and held up his hand. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t funny, but your doctor’s name made me laugh.”

“And why is that?”

“Well, you know. ‘Janet! Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Rocky!’” Merlin giggled.

Once again, Arthur stared at Merlin as if he’d grown two heads.

“It’s from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. It’s my favorite,” Merlin explained.

“Oh, that’s a movie I’m assuming.”

Merlin pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh, Arthur. I have a lot to show you. So come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...pation.”

When Merlin looked at him with a soft smile and a wink, Arthur once again felt his stomach flip-flopping. He picked at his second sandwich. “Before we get to that, can you do me a favor and help me write my latest symptoms in my journal so I can let my Dr.-” He stopped. He didn’t want Merlin to have another giggle fit. “So I can let _my doctor_ what’s happening.”

Merlin bit his lip and stood up to take Arthur’s tray. “You’d trust me with that?”

Arthur considered this. He never thought in a million years he’d let anyone look at his journals, but it was different with Merlin. “Well, these are my less personal journals, but I’d trust you with those, too.”

Merlin blew out a breath. “That really means a lot to me, Arthur.” He gulped and turned and put the tray on Arthur’s dresser. “I-I’d really love to-”

Before he could continue there was a knock on the door. They shared a curious look. “Do you think it’s Gwen. That would be fairly forward of her.”

“I don’t know.” Merlin went down to answer it and Arthur followed. Merlin went to open the door and had his hand on the doorknob when he turned to Arthur. “If it’s Gwen, please don’t be rude.”

“I’m never rude.”

Merlin snorted unapologetically. When he opened the door, his smile quickly fell. “Cenred?!”

Cenred sighed. “I’m thrilled to see you, too.” He pushed his way past Merlin.

Arthur blocked him from going any further. “Don’t take another step. No one invited you here.”

Cenred scoffed. “Like I’m dying to spend more time in the nuthouse than I have to.”

Merlin narrowed his eyes and stalked toward Cenred. “Leave Arthur alone.”

The look on Cenred’s face as he looked between Arthur and Merlin was so smug, Arthur wanted to smack him repeatedly. 

“Aww, has the weirdo found a friend? Not surprised your only friend is a nutter.” Cenred sneered.

Arthur crossed his arms over his chest. “I would actually take your insults to heart if I didn’t know what a pathetic idiot you are.”

Cenred glared at him. 

Merlin stepped between the two of them. “What do you want?”

Cenred reached into his back pocket and pulled out a letter. “Aunt Hunith sent you another letter. I don’t know why she bothers. She should no better than anyone you’re too useless to read it.”

Arthur watched Merlin stiffen. He threw a quick glance to Arthur.

If it was possible Cenred’s expression morphed into an even more malicious one. “I guess your new friend doesn’t know?”

Merlin’s breath quickened. “Please, Cenred, don’t,” he said in a shaky voice.

Cenred smiled. “Your friend Merlin can’t read.”

When Merlin turned to him with a trembling lip and watery eyes, Arthur didn’t need him to confirm anything. It wasn’t a complete shock as he thought over some suspicious things Merlin had done whenever it came time to read anything. It was probably why he didn’t read the information Lance had given him about Arthur’s condition.

Looking at the cruel grin on Cenred’s face, the way he was getting pleasure from Merlin’s misery, it was too much for Arthur. He stepped in front of Merlin and snatched the letter from Cenred. “You’ve done what you came to do - deliver the letter and humiliate Merlin - so you can leave. And don’t you dare darken my door again.”

Cenred rolled his eyes and walked toward the door. 

Merlin was still staring at his feet. He wiped away a tear. 

“Wait!” Arthur shouted.

Cenred stopped and threw a haughty look over his shoulder. “What?”

Arthur slowly walked over to him. When he was inches from Cenred he hoped the look on his face reflected the contempt he felt for him. “I know about Merlin’s magic. I know you think that makes him a freak.”

“Trust me, that’s not the only reason he’s a freak.”

“Shut your mouth!” Arthur growled. 

Cenred’s eyes were as big as saucers.

“But his magic makes him special. More special than me and definitely more special than a wanker like you could ever hope to be. He’s also incredibly kind. It is that kindness that keeps him from crushing you like the bug that you are. So, if I were you, I would stop looking for ways to piss him off and thank your lucky stars he doesn’t literally turn you into an arse! Now, get the hell out!”

It looked like Cenred didn’t know whether to be angry or frightened. He looked over at Merlin and flinched. “I don’t need this!” He snarled. He fumbled trying to get the door open and stalked out of there.

Arthur was practically shaking.

“I think I need a cigarette,” Merlin said after a beat.

Arthur snorted and then threw back his head and let out a full-throated laugh. When he turned to look at Merlin, they both grinned at each other.

Merlin’s smile didn’t leave his face as he shook his head. “Thank you for standing up for me!”

Arthur shrugged. “You’ve saved me enough times, I thought I’d return the favor.”

Merlin’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”

Arthur cleared his throat. “I just mean that you’ve been a lifesaver here and I really appreciate how hard you’ve been working around the house.”

Merlin’s shy smile was so sweet, Arthur couldn’t help smiling back. They started to walk to the living room. 

Arthur rubbed at his forehead and thought about letting what Cenred said drop, but his curiosity got the better of him. “Is what Cenred said true? You can’t read?”

They got to the living room and sat down on the couch. Merlin sighed. “I can barely read. I’m dyslexic. When I read I have trouble understanding what I’m reading. I also struggle with writing. My mother helped me all through school and I was able to graduate, but it’s still really difficult for me.”

“I wish you’d told me.” It was probably silly and selfish but Arthur felt a bit hurt that Merlin didn’t trust him. Merlin didn’t look down on Arthur for his illness and he never would have looked down on him.

“I was going to tell you earlier, but then Cenred interrupted.” Merlin took a deep breath and bent forward as he stared at the ground. “I didn’t tell you before because I was embarrassed.” He let out a dry chuckle. “You know sometimes I think God was having a big laugh when he made me. ‘Just how odd of a duck can we make him? I know we’ll give him magic and make him dyslexic and…” He trailed off. 

Arthur leaned forward and waited for him to continue. 

Merlin turned to face him. “And make him gay.”

Arthur swallowed thickly. “What about me? I’m depressed. I’m ill-tempered. And I think I’m gay, too.”

“You think?”

Arthur cocked his head to the side. “I’ve only had one girlfriend in my life. Sophia was manipulative, scary, rude. But that wasn’t why I couldn’t find her attractive. I think I fancied Leon more than her.” 

He remembered how when they were younger he would sometimes make excuses to stay in the locker room to watch Leon get undressed. The memory came to him out of nowhere and made him chuckle.

Merlin smiled at him.

“What about you? When did you know?” Arthur asked Merlin.

“I knew I was gay when I was really young and didn’t know how to tell anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship. When I was in secondary school I had a crush on my friend Will, but that’s about it.” Merlin sighed. “Will’s why my Mum sent me here.”

“Because you had a crush on him?” 

Merlin shook his head. “No, it wasn’t that. Recently, Will found out that his boss was withholding pay from many of his workers. He asked me to use my magic to make it right.”

“To steal the money back?” Arthur asked. He tried to make sure he didn’t sound judgemental. 

“Yes. I got caught using my magic, which was what my mother feared the most. She was afraid of everyone treating me like a freak, or worse me going to jail, so she sent me here.”

Arthur let out a deep breath. “I can understand why your mother was scared, but why would she send you to Cenred. Nephew or not, she must know what a complete git he is.”

“She knows he can be a jerk, but Cenred is usually on his best behavior around her. She thought she had no other options and I thought I could handle it.” Merlin sat back against the back of the couch. “I didn’t know how bad he would be.”

Arthur followed Merlin and sat up. He reached out a tentative hand and placed a couple of fingers on Merlin’s thigh. “I’m really sorry for how Cenred treated you, but I’m really glad you came to Camelot.”

Merlin grinned. “I am, too.”

 

~*~

 

After telling Arthur the truth about being dyslexic, Merlin felt a tremendous weight off his shoulder. He was grateful at how understanding Arthur was. Arthur wanted to hear more about Ealdor, so Merlin told him several stories about growing up. He talked a lot about his dad, which he hadn’t done in such a long time. It felt good to think about him.

Merlin could tell though that halfway through the day, Arthur was getting really tired. He could barely keep his head up. He admitted that he had a big headache and every once and awhile, Merlin saw Arthur’s hand shake. 

They decided to just sit down and watch a movie. Of course Merlin insisted on introducing Merlin to _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. They were in the middle of it when Arthur started to fall asleep. Merlin was about to get up and take the movie out of the DVD player when Arthur’s head lolled to the side and his head rested against Merlin’s shoulder.

It made Merlin stiffen immediately. He knew that Arthur wasn’t a very touchy feely person and he thought Arthur would wake up suddenly and jump up in discomfort, instead Arthur turned and nestled closer to Merlin. 

Merlin’s heart practically leaped into his throat and he fought the urge to put his arm around Arthur. He’d barely even had time to contemplate that when he heard the front door open and slam shut. Arthur woke up at the sound and he turned slowly and gazed up at Merlin. 

As Arthur picked his head up and wiped away some drool, Lance came into the room. Even though there was nothing for them to be guilty for, Merlin felt a little sheepish when he looked up at Lance. 

Lance didn’t seem to think anything odd was going on, though he squinted when he looked over at Arthur. “I think you’re drooling.”

Immediately, Arthur wiped again at his mouth. “I fell asleep. It happens sometimes.”

“Of course. I didn’t mean anything by it,” Lance replied. 

With a yawn and a stretch, Arthur stood up. “I’m going to get ready for bed.” As he stepped past Merlin, Arthur turned to Merlin with a small smile. “Goodnight.”

When Arthur headed upstairs, Merlin grinned at Lance. “I don’t think he was really annoyed with you. He just woke up and is grouchy.”

Lance nodded. “I know.” He stepped into the room and sat in the armchair across from Merlin. “You’re starting to get to know him fairly well, aren’t you?”

“I think I am.” Merlin tried to keep a big smile from forming on his face. He thought he was mostly successful. “I think he’s starting to really become comfortable with me.”

“I’ve noticed. “ Lance gestured to the couch. “He was sitting so close to you. I don’t think I’ve seen him that close to someone before.” His voice was buoyant and he looked pleased.

“Yeah.”

Lance suddenly frowned. “It’s been a really struggle for such a long time. He keeps everyone at arm’s length. Even me. I’m so happy that you’re his friend.”

Even though Merlin didn’t consider friend a dirty word - Arthur was his friend - he winced slightly when Lance said it. He knew that what he felt for Arthur went a lot deeper than friendship. But he nodded anyway. “Yes. I’m happy that I can be there for him.” 

“I really wish I could repay you in some way,” Lance continued.

“Oh, Lance that’s really not necessary.” Merlin moved to the end of the couch and leaned forward. “You’re the one who took me in here when you didn’t need to.”

Lance chewed on his bottom lip. “Still…” Merlin could almost see a light bulb go off in his head and Lance leaned against his chair. “I was talking to Gwen the other day and she mentioned that you wanted to be an actor, but you’re having some difficulty. Is that right?”

Merlin nodded. “Yes. I’d love to pursue it but I’m terribly self-conscious, especially on stage. When I was fourteen, my school was putting on a production of _Peter Pan_ and I actually got the lead. I was practically bouncing off the walls, I was so excited. And my mum,” he put his hand to his heart, “oh, she was so proud! I worked really hard and I thought I could do it.” His head dropped to his knees. It was years ago but he could still remember it vividly and remember everything he felt. Merlin glanced up at Lance. “As soon as I stepped on stage - actually ‘flew’ - and opened my mouth, I just froze. Then the wires broke and I fell on stage.”

“How’d that happen?” Lance asked.

Merlin glanced up and pursed his lips. At the time, Merlin wanted to get off stage as fast as possible, but he couldn’t just run off since he was being held up by wires. Somehow, with his magic, he was able to free himself - though not the way he wanted. “Uh...I’m not sure. I think someway just didn’t connect it properly.”

Lance shook his head. “That’s awful. I’m so sorry, Merlin.”

“Thank you.” Merlin sat back against the back of the couch. He sighed deeply. “It was the most embarrassing experience of my life. Whenever I even think of trying something like that again, my heart starts racing and I feel overwhelmed.”

Lance leaned forward and squeezed Merlin’s knee. “Gwen said she gave you the number of a former teacher of hers that could possibly help with stage fright.”

“She did. Alice Smith. I called her, but she’s retired and she said she wasn’t sure who I could help me locally.”

Lance ran a hand through his hair and frowned. “There’s got to be something that can help.”

Merlin just shrugged. He appreciated Lance wanting to help, but didn’t think there was anything he could do. But when Merlin looked up at Lance, he could see a determined expression form on Lance’s face.

“I don’t know how, but I’m going to find a way to help you. I promise.”

While he was still doubtful, Merlin had a feeling he shouldn’t underestimate Lance. He smiled at him.


	8. Chapter 8

While Lance was feeling very buoyed by the progress Arthur was making, he was annoyed at how things were going for him when it came to Gwen and the lack of progress they were making. 

Gwaine and Vivian had ended things (without “sealing the deal” as Gwaine put it) and she insisted on Lance being her bodyguard. He’d spent all day tailing her as she went from shop to shop to shop…

What was even worse was that because of Vivian he hadn’t been able to go on the date with Gwen yet. She had called just before he was going to take Gwen’s car back. Lance had to take the car back and try to explain to Gwen why he couldn’t go out with her that night. She was very understanding, but he could sense how disappointed she was. He was very disappointed, too.

They kept having to reschedule. The only bright side was that they had talked every night. It helped fight the boredom while he was at work. It was also really nice to get to know her better. She really did have a wicked sense of humor and could tell a dirty joke better than even Gwaine.

As Lance passed by Arthur’s room, he decided to say goodnight to Arthur. He hoped that his brother wouldn’t think that he was checking up on him, but he risked it anyway. He knocked softly. 

“Come in.” Arthur sounded tired, but peaceful when he answered.

Lance walked in and paused. Arthur’s hair was messy and he had his red sheets almost tucked up under his chin. There was a sweet smile on his face. He almost looked like a little boy. 

Stepping further into the room, Lance smiled. “You look ready for a nice sleep.”

“Not sure if I can. I feel restless.” It was more candid than Arthur usually was with him. 

Lance dragged a chair over and sat by Arthur’s bed. “Would you like me to sing to you?”

Arthur scrunched up his nose. “That wouldn’t help me sleep. It would just give me nightmares.” 

There was less bite to the teasing than usual and they both laughed. When the laughter died down, Arthur had a wistful look on his face.

“I’ve been thinking lately about Mother,” Arthur said in almost a whisper.

Lance scooted closer. “Why is that?”

Arthur turned his head to look at Lance. “It’s going to sound odd, but it’s because of Merlin. He reminds me of her. They both could be happy doing the most routine things. They both are positive and so encouraging. I haven’t met anyone like that until Merlin.”

Lance considered this and he could see what Arthur was talking about.

Arthur bit his lip and his expression soured. “When you mentioned singing to me it made me think of how awful I could be at times.”

“All children can be awful,” Lance reasoned.

“When I was seven I could be a huge prat.”

“‘When you were seven?’” Lance cocked his head to the side and quirked up his lips to let Arthur know he was teasing.

Arthur thankfully did snicker. “I’m trying to be serious and you’re making jokes. Nice.” His expression and tone were light. Arthur sighed. “I was really upset because she had sent me to bed early for misbehaving. She still came to my room later to tuck me in and sing to me. But I had always hated the lullaby she sang “The Nurse’s Song.” I thought it was for babies, but I’d never told her until that night how dumb I thought it was.”

Lance winced. He was sure that must have been hard for her to hear.

“She didn’t get upset. She apologized and admitted that she always sang it because it was the song she sang to you when she was pregnant with you.”

Lance’s breath caught in his throat. She had never told him about that before.

“It was the first time she really talked to me about you. It’s not that I didn’t know about you. I knew that I had a brother out there and that for some reason he couldn't live with us,” Arthur explained.

After Ygraine had given Lance up she didn’t see him for years after. The first time he met his mother was when he was four. His father was overprotective and had some lingering resentment over how things had ended between him and Ygraine, so he had kept her away until he could be sure she was better.

For years, they would only see each other for sporadic visits. Lance hadn’t met Arthur until Arthur was eight and he was eleven. 

It had been hard for a long time for Lance to feel close to her since he always questioned why she left him and hadn’t been around for so long. One of the many things he felt guilty about after she died was all the time he’d wasted keeping her at arm's length.

“I’ll never forget that there were tears in her eyes when she said that she sang it to me every night because a part of her, no matter how silly she realized it might be, a part of her hoped that you could hear her singing to you and know that she was always thinking of you and hoped you were happy.” Arthur sniffed and stared down at his sheets.

Lance just blinked down at his feet and was trying to process this. He wished more than anything that his mother had told him this herself, but he appreciated Arthur doing it. It felt like Arthur was reaching out to him and it moved him beyond words. 

“I was young, but I could see how much it hurt her. She missed you. And it was strange, even though we hadn’t met yet, it made me miss you, too.” Arthur took in a shuddering breath. “So, I asked her to keep singing it to me so you would know that I was thinking of you, too.” Arthur made fleeting eye contact, but Lance could see unshed tears in his eyes.

After that, Lance couldn’t help the tears falling down his face. He kept his face down so Arthur couldn’t see.

“Are you crying?” Arthur’s voice was shaky, but he sounded somewhat amused.

Lance wiped at his nose. “No,” he lied badly.

“See this is why I don’t share with you often. I always make you cry no matter what.” 

When he finally looked up at Arthur he could see that Arthur was gazing at him with a watery smile. 

Lance chuckled and let the tears fall without wiping them away. “It’s good this time.”

“Well, if it’s good then.” Arthur smiled.

As Lance’s tears subsided and he figured he could string together a coherent thought, he cleared his throat to ask Arthur something. “Um, how did the song go?”

Arthur closed his eyes and seemed to be searching his memory. “The first part is a bit hazy, but the second part was - Sorrow and care, frowns and gray hair; So smile, my baby bonnie. Laugh, my baby, beauty; What will time do to ye? Furrow your cheek, wrinkle your neck, so laugh, my baby, beauty. Dance, my baby, deary; Mother will never be weary. Frolic and play now while you may; So dance, my baby, deary.” 

Lance reached out his hand to Arthur and he was grateful when Arthur took it and held on.

 

~*~

 

For the first time in a long time, Arthur didn’t dread the idea of having a meeting with Gaius. Not only did he need Gaius’ help with his medication, but for once he had good news to share. Gaius had been pleased to hear about Merlin’s influence around the house and even more pleased to hear about how Arthur was letting Lance in.

“This Merlin sounds awfully special.” Gaius smiled. “You’re becoming friends?”

“Yes, he’s been very good to me. Very supportive,” Arthur explained.

“And he knows about your diagnosis?”

Arthur’s jaw clenched. He knew that Gaius was referring to his diagnosis of Arthur, which Arthur didn’t agree with. “Yes,” Arthur finally replied without elaborating.

“It sounds like Merlin is becoming very important to you. Are you becoming attached to him?” Gaius asked with a knowing look. 

Fidgeting in his seat, Arthur clasped his hands together. While he was happy to let Gaius know about how helpful Merlin had been around the house and that they were now friends, he wasn’t willing to talk about the more complicated feelings he felt for Merlin. What he felt for Merlin was too special to let Gaius psychoanalyze it and potentially sour it. Also, by talking about it Arthur felt that he might be jinxing things. 

Arthur shook his head. “I wouldn’t say that. Like I said before he’s been good to both Lance and myself. It’s a positive thing. I feel hopeful for the future. Hopefully, you and Lance will realize I’m doing better and I can stop taking all of these meds.”

Gaius looked down at his desk and shuffled some papers around. “We’ll see. Let’s just take it one day at a time.”

Arthur grunted. “We’ve been taking it one day at a time for years, haven’t we? How many more days are we talking about?” 

“It’s a process, Arthur. You know this. It takes time, but you are making progress.”

Arthur just looked off to the side and sighed.

“I’ll prescribe Cogentin - that should help with the tremors. I hope that makes things even better.” Gaius smiled.

Arthur nodded. He hoped Gaius was right but he was skeptical since Gaius had told him this before. Something had to change. There had to be another way to handle this.

 

~*~

 

At first, when Arthur came back from his meeting with his doctor, Merlin noticed that he seemed to be in good spirits. He’d been in a good mood all day. After Arthur told Merlin about his conversation with his brother, Merlin understood why. But as the day worn on, Arthur started to feel worse and worse.

A headache he’d seemed to kick came back with a vengeance. While they tried to watch a movie, Arthur couldn’t sit still and during the last half hour, he paced the entire time. When Merlin caught Arthur drooling during lunch and didn’t divert his attention away in time, Arthur got embarrassed and fled to his room. 

It took forever - and a promise of a magic show - for Arthur to agree to let Merlin come into his room. Merlin hadn’t done this in a long time and was a little rusty. After he got Arthur to sit down by his desk, though his leg bounced up and down repeatedly like he was just itching to get up, Merlin took a three of Arthur’s pens and with his magic levitated them in the air. This definitely kept Arthur’s attention focused. When he made them dance in the air, Arthur even smiled.

After he was done, Arthur seemed more relaxed. A few minutes later, he even said his headache was finally gone. Arthur moved to his bed and Merlin sat right beside him, which Merlin noticed Arthur was becoming more comfortable with. Arthur picked at his bedspread. “Merlin, are you sure there’s nothing more you can do with your magic?”

Merlin drummed his fingers against his chin. There were a few other small tricks that he knew but he wasn’t exactly sure what Arthur meant. “Do you mean magic tricks?”

“Well, they’re all magic tricks aren’t they?” Arthur chuckled. “But I mean…” He licked his lips and sat up. “I was looking on-line a few weeks ago and I saw people talk about some sorcerers having the power to heal.”

Merlin wrinkled his nose. “I’ve never really heard of that. There are no magical doctors that I know of and I’ve never heard of magic curing diseases.” He turned to Arthur. “Is that what you want? Do you want me to cure your depression because I don’t think I can.”

“But if we looked on-line together and I helped you read up on it, maybe it’s actually possible.” Arthur looked at him with wide, hopeful eyes.

Merlin didn’t know how - nor did he want to - crush Arthur’s hopes but he couldn’t make him promises he couldn’t keep. He knew that wouldn’t be fair. “We can look on-line, ok? And if anything seems possible I will do whatever you need. I promise.”

Arthur beamed up at him. “Really?”

Merlin put his hand over Arthur’s. “I would do anything for you.”

Arthur’s smile became wider and his eyes searched Merlin’s face. “You really are my saviour, aren’t you?”

When Arthur’s eyes landed on Merlin’s lips, he inched closer and closer giving Arthur the chance to put a stop to things. When he didn’t, Merlin pressed his lips to Arthur’s gently. It only lasted for a moment, but he felt like his heart stopped in that moment. He pulled back slightly and watched Arthur’s eyes stunning blue eyes look at him with wonder.

“That really happened, right?” He blinked at him and smiled. 

Merlin nodded and then moved in again. The press of their lips was much gentler than before but lasted longer this time.

 

~*~

 

Now that the night of their date had finally arrived, Lance was a bundle of nerves. He had never been so clumsy in all of his life. He dropped his keys three times trying to open his car door. He’d brought Gwen white roses and when he got out of the car, he dropped them twice - nearly stepped on them - and they definitely looked not nearly as white as when he bought them. He was grateful when he managed to get to her door without faceplanting.

Gwen didn’t seem to notice the damage to the roses. She thanked Lance enthusiastically for the flowers. She took the time to put them in some water.

They headed off to the pub after that. It was Gwen’s idea to have their date at her favorite pub The Rising Sun. They got there and they bar was packed because the pub was having a quiz night. 

Gwen looked at a sign in front. “‘80’s Movie Night!’” She clapped her hands. “Fun!”

“I don’t think I’ll be very useful,” Lance said as they made their way through a throng of people to get to a seat. “I was only three then.”

Gwen laughed. “I wasn’t even born.” 

They managed to find an unoccupied table and sat down.

“You don’t have to have been born in the period to have watched any of the movies. I watch 80’s movies all the time!” Gwen continued. 

Lance grabbed the menus and gave Gwen one. “Sorry, I can’t say I’ve seen many from that period. I mostly watch sports and comedies on television.”

“That’s okay.” Gwen grinned. “I can do all the work for us.”

Lance laughed. “Have you participated in one of these before?” He glanced around the bar.

“A couple of times. The host asks a few questions and you answer them at the table. They give you a pen and paper to write your answers down. When you’re done, they collect your answers and at the end the top scoring couples usually gets a free meal.”

“Doesn’t sound too complicated.” Despite saying that, Lance still felt a little nervous. He didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of Gwen.

Soon a waitress came by. She gave them pen and paper and took their order. They both ordered beers. For their dinner, Gwen got a toad-in-the-hole and Lance decided to try a meat pie.

As the waitress walked away, the music in the pub grew louder. Lance recognized the song playing as David Bowie’s _Heroes_. The host, Cedric Sigan, was introduced. Lance had to twist around to see him.

Everyone in the pub - including Gwen - started laughing. Lance’s mouth dropped open. The short man was wearing a blonde wig, a mullet that made him like Rod Stewart. He was dressed in an all-black ensemble - a long-sleeved leather shirt and the tightest leather pants Lance had ever seen with...uh...there seemed to be something stuffed the front of his trousers.

“Is that…” Lance trailed off with a chuckle. 

Gwen had a hand covering her mouth as she continued to laugh.

“Is he wearing a codpiece?”

Gwen burst out laughing, letting out a couple of cute - if slightly undignified - snorts.

Her whole face lit up when she laughed and Lance couldn’t help joining her.

As Gwen gained her composure, she nodded toward the front. “You don’t know who he’s supposed to be, do you?”

Lance shook his head.

“David Bowie did this fantasy movie in the 80’s. It was called _Labyrinth_. I haven’t seen it in ages but there were a lot of puppets in it.” Gwen pointed to the stage. “And David Bowie’s character was...uh...very well endowed.”

“Alright.” Lance leaned forward. “The character wasn’t excited by puppets, was he?”

Gwen snorted and had to cover her mouth again she was laughing so hard. 

Due to their laughter, they both almost missed the first question.

Cedric held up his left arm with a flourish. “The first question - what movie did Kevin Kline win the Oscar for in 1989? You have one minute to answer.”

“Don’t need a minute.” Gwen looked confident. “That’s an easy one.”

“Right,” Lance drawled. “Very easy,” he said in an unconvincing voice.

Gwen grinned up at him. “It’s a _A Fish Called Wanda_.” She nodded toward the pen and paper. “Write it down.”

Lance picked up the pen. “Oh, I’m doing the writing?”

“I’m doing the thinking. You do the writing.” 

She was bouncing in her sight and Lance thought it was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen. Clearly, she was in her element.

He wrote down the answer.

“Time’s up! Question two.” Cedric held up two fingers. “What is an R.O. U. S.?”

Lance furrowed his brow. That one actually seemed familiar.

“‘Rodents of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist,’” Gwen said.

“ _The Princess Bride_ ,” they said at the same time. 

Gwen nodded. “Looks like you’ve seen some movies after all.” 

Grinning, Lance wrote down “Rodents of Unusual Size.”

“Time for question-” Cedric cleared his throat. He adjusted himself in his leather pants - or tried to. “I think I may be talking in a falsetto soon.”

Everyone laughed.

“Alright, question three. What ghost can be summoned by calling their name three times?”

“Oh! I think I know this one! Bloody Mary?” Lance thought he was on a roll.

The wince Gwen gave corrected him of that notion. “Sorry, Lance. The answer is Beetlejuice.” She put her hand over his. “Good try, though.”

The comment could have come across condescending, but coming from Gwen it didn’t and Lance was reassured by it.

“Halfway through now,” Cedric announced. “Question four - what was Elliot’s alien best friend’s favorite candy?”

“Oh, I know this one!” Lance’s hand shot up, but then he quickly remembered he wasn’t in class and put it down. “It’s Reese’s Pieces.” _E.T._ was always one of Lance’s favorite films. It was the last movie he’d watched with his father.

Gwen grinned. “You’re really getting the hang of this.”

Lance had to agree. He was starting to enjoy himself. The waitress came with their beers and dinner.

“And now question five - what movie character has quite a few things in common with Bart Simpson - including a famous catchphrase?”

Gwen beamed. “Only one of my favorites from my favorite movie - John Bender.” She happily took a swig of beer.

Lance wrote it down. He had a feeling they might win - or at least tie.

After the minute was up, Cedric tapped on his microphone. “Is everyone ready for the bonus question?”

The people in the bar cheered and clapped. 

“Well, piss off! I’m tired and I need to be cut out of these trousers! Goodnight!” Cedric turned and turned to walk off. A blond waitress approached him and whispered something in his ear. He stiffened, then turned and walked back to the microphone. “Well, I’ve been informed that I won’t get paid if I don’t finish this off, so here we go.”

Gwen giggled.

“Bonus time. According to Monty Python, what are two things that answer the question what is the meaning of life?”

Lance turned to Gwen because he had no idea. From the wrinkle on her forehead and the expression of deep concentration, Lance could tell that she might not know this one. 

After a second, Gwen groaned. “I haven’t see the movie in ages.” She rubbed at her forehead.

“Time’s up!” Cedric called.

The waitress started to collect everyone’s cards. Gwen’s nose wrinkled in disgust. 

“It’s alright.” Lance shrugged. “I do have enough money to pay for our meals.”

Gwen shook her head. “I know, but, you don’t know this about me but I am very competitive. I _hate_ losing.”

Lance leaned in closer and grinned. “I suppose we’ll just have to get them next time then.”

Gwen’s frown melted and her wide smile further brightened Lance’s night.

They ended up placing third. Despite the panic over potentially embarrassing himself and Gwen, Lance had a great time. 

On the way out the bar, Gwen slapped her forehead. “Of course now it comes to me. Read a book and go for a walk. Those were two of the meanings of life.” She shook her head. 

Lance chuckled as they got in the car. Other than his poker nights with the guys, he’d never had such fun and an opportunity to act his age.It almost felt like he didn’t have a care in the world. 

Almost.

As they ate, he did constantly check his phone to make sure there weren’t any messages from Arthur. He was always relieved when there weren’t. The last time he checked was after getting in the car. 

“Were you checking up on Arthur?” Gwen asked as Lance pulled out of the driveway of the pub.

Lance bit his lip. “Guilty. Sorry about that.”

Gwen waved off his apology. “No, need to apologize. It’s sweet how much you care about your brother.”

Lance nodded.

Gwen played with a ring on her finger. “If you don’t mind me asking, but you said before that you had to give up on your dream to stay with your brother - why is that? Is there a reason he can’t live on his own?

Lance sighed. “I’m surprised you don’t know. It’s not a well-kept secret in Camelot.”

Gwen shrugged. “I don’t listen to idle gossip.”

Lance stared hard out the window at the car in front of him. Even though it was possible for Gwen to find out some other way, he was hesitant to tell her about Arthur’s condition. He always felt a little funny spreading Arthur’s business around. But if he actually wanted Gwen to be in his life, it was something she needed to know.

Gripping the steering wheel tightly, Lance took a deep breath before he answered. “Arthur can’t be on his own because he’s...mentally ill.” He briefly turned to Gwen. “He’s schizophrenic.”

Gwen’s mouth dropped before she snapped it shut quickly. “I want to say I didn’t know, but I don’t know how I could have.”

“It’s alright. Arthur is doing much better lately. I think having a friend like Merlin has really helped.”

There was a genuine smile on Gwen’s face. “They’re good together.”

There was something about the way she said that last part that nagged at Lance, but he let it drop. 

“So Arthur’s never lived on his own?” 

Lance shook his head. “No. He started getting sick when he was really young. After my parents died, we had to live with my Uncle Agravaine.” Lance felt the bile rise in his throat just saying Agravaine’s name.

“Wow, you really didn’t like him, did you?” Gwen sounded truly surprised.

“To put it mildly he’s a fucking narcissistic, greedy wanker,” Lance spit out.

Gwen giggled and then covered her mouth. She continued to laugh as she looked straight in front of her. “I didn’t think it was possible for you to curse. That was really good.”

Lance found himself chuckling as well. It was quite a feat to get him to laugh at anything concerning that man. “He brings it out in me. He was horrible to my brother. He knew Arthur was sick and getting worse and did nothing because he wanted to stay Arthur’s guardian and collect on Arthur’s inheritance.”

“That is disgusting.”

Lance nodded. “I had to fight him to become Arthur’s guardian. With some help from my friends, I was able to succeed.”

“Is that when you had to give up on your dream?” 

Lance shook his head. “No. My neighbor Annis she didn’t want me to give up going to school so Arthur stayed with her for awhile, but he just kept getting sicker. Before my final year, I came home from school to visit and Arthur was so agitated. Before I left, he barricaded himself in his room and he accused everyone of conspiring against him. He said that his sister Morgana told him that people were plotting to murder him. I had to get him to see that I wasn’t trying to hurt him and he finally listened to me. I thought I would have been relieved but he was so deathly calm and stopped talking and was just rocking back and forth.” He shuddered at the memory.

He jerked his head toward Gwen when he felt her hand on his arm. Quickly looking back at the road, he exhaled a long breath. “I got him to the hospital and his doctor finally diagnosed him as a paranoid/catatonic schizophrenic. He was there for weeks. I had to postpone going back to school and figure out what I was going to do. Annis wanted to keep looking after him, but I wasn’t sure. Then Arthur begged me not to go. He asked me not to abandon him again.” Lance shrugged. He had to clear his throat several times before he could speak again. “I couldn’t leave after that. I dropped out and I’ve been taking care of him ever since.”

When he chanced a glance at Gwen, he saw that her eyes were welling up with tears.

If he weren’t driving, he would have slapped himself. “Well, I certainly know how to close a date in style. Tell her your sad history.” He let out a mirthless laugh.

“No.” Gwen shook her head. “I’m so glad you told me. This is clearly a big and important part of your life and I’m happy you feel you can share it with me.”

They shared a warm look between them. 

When they arrived at Gwen’s flat, Lance walked her to the door. She took his hands in hers. “Lance, you’re very strong and what you’re doing for your brother is amazing.”

“You’re making me sound like a saint. I’m not. Trust me.”

Gwen laughed. “Can’t you just take the compliment?”

A slow smile spread on Lance’s face. “I suppose I should.”

She brought her hand up to cup his cheek and then raised up on tiptoes to give him a soft peck on the lips.

It wasn’t the most passionate kiss he’d ever received, but he couldn’t remember another kiss ever feeling so intimate and making him feel warm and safe.

It was the best date of his life.


	9. Chapter 9

Arthur, Lance, and Merlin were on their way to Gwaine’s for poker night. Arthur hadn’t really been in the mood but when Merlin expressed excitement about going, he relented.

Right then Arthur was busy watching his brother in fascination. Or rather it was equal parts fascination, confusion, and horror. Lance would not stop smiling and Arthur could barely recognize him. Happiness was a rare look for Lance. Clearly, the date with Gwen had gone well.

When Lance started humming some tune in his head and drumming his thumbs against the steering wheel, Arthur had to say something. He cleared his throat. “So, I’m assuming you're no longer a virgin.”

It seemed to take Lance a minute to register what Arthur said and when he did, Lance started sputtering. “Wh-what?”

“Well, you’re so chuffed I assumed you slept with Gwen last night,” Arthur explained.

“Arthur!” Lance and Merlin said in unison.

“What?” Arthur shrugged. “I’m not judging. I say it’s about bloody time!”

Lance shrugged. “There are plenty of reasons to be happy without sex being involved.”

“True, but given your lack of success in that department for years put together with your date with Gwen and you smiling as if you just won the World Cup, the rational deduction seemed to be that you had sex.”

When Lance turned to Arthur, even though he still seemed a bit annoyed, that smile had returned. “Look who’s turned into Sherlock Holmes.”

Arthur couldn't help the small grin that formed on his face.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but Gwen and I did not have sex. We just had a really lovely time at the pub and a really nice talk.” Lance turned onto Gwaine’s street.

“A talk. Sexy,” Arthur teased.

“Leave him alone, Arthur,” Merlin piped in, though the effectiveness of his request was lessened since he was chuckling at Arthur's antics.

“And for the record, I am not a virgin. I have had plenty of sex.” Lance looked embarrassed at his admission. They pulled into Gwaine’s driveway.

“Yes, but it’s been so long I thought you virginity might have grown back,” Arthur said with a wicked grin.

When Merlin let out a loud chortle, Lance glared at him.

They got out of the car and headed to the house. Arthur felt more at ease than he had in a long time. The thought of being in a room full of people didn’t unsettle him. When went inside, Arthur hung back while Lance greeted everyone else. 

Looking off to the side, Arthur saw Merlin standing next to him and noticed that he seemed tense. “Why do you seem nervous?”

Merlin wrung his hands. “I’m not looking forward to seeing Cenred.”

Percival, who was heading toward them, overheard them. “You don’t have to worry about that. We don’t plan on inviting that wanker to any more games. What he did to you is horrible.”

Merlin went from looking apprehensive to surprised and then he visibly relaxed and smiled. “Thank you.”

“Do you plan on playing for a round or two?” Percival asked Merlin.

Merlin shook his head. “No. I’m rubbish at those sorts of games.”

Arthur played with the sleeves of his red sweater. “I suppose you don’t want me to play after what happened last time.”

“Of course we’d welcome you,” Percival said as he crossed his thick arms over his chest. “Cenred got extraordinarily lucky with his winning hand.” He looked between the two of them. “Besides, it doesn’t look like it’s worked out so bad.” Percival walked away with a grin.

Merlin and Arthur shared a shy look between them.

They soon gathered together to start playing. Even though he wasn’t playing, Merlin sat next to Arthur. Even though he had just learned how to play, Arthur tried to explain some things to Merlin. 

Halfway through the game, Arthur looked around at everyone and realized that he was truly having fun. He really appreciated that no one was treating him with kid gloves. No one was giving him looks of sympathy or concern - even Lance. It felt like a normal night with friends - not that Arthur had much experience with that.

It also helped that the new medication seemed to be helping and he hadn’t had any tremors or any drooling or anything else.

They were nearing the end of the hand. Nothing too outrageous was in the pot. Gwaine had offered up an old hat and a bottle opener. Percival, who was the first to fold, only put in an old stethoscope. Leon offered up something a little more pricey when he put in an alarm clock and then tickets to a football game. Lance offered up a pair of dumbbells - which he never used anyway - and tickets to an art exhibit (which Vivian had given him. That got a groan from Gwaine.)

Arthur’s offerings were a pen (which everybody groaned about. “It’s very valuable” Arthur had defended) and a gold lighter.

When it was down to just Gwaine, Arthur, and Lance to sweeten the pot Gwaine’s next offering was a blender. Lance was next and before throwing down what his next offer was, he got up and found a pen. He scratched out whatever he had written down previously. Smiling, he finished and held up the paper.

When he saw what Lance had written down, Arthur chuckled and gave his brother a warm smile. “One night alone,” Arthur read. 

Wanting to return the favor, Arthur hastily wrote something down and showed it to Lance.

Lance snorted. “One day free of complaint.” He grinned. “That would be a very big sacrifice.”

“I know.”

They both laughed.

Gwaine leaned forward. “So, I - who is still in this game by the way.” He mock pouted. “Am going to call it.” He put his cards on the table. “A Jacks-high flush.”

Lance rubbed his chin. “Very respectable. But…” He had a wide grin on his face. “ Not as respectable as this.” He put his cards down with a flourish. “Aces-high flush.”

Gwaine groaned.

Lance chuckled. “I keep telling you gents, I get lucky sometimes.”

“That seems to run in the family,” Arthur finally piped up. He put down his cards without a word. It was a full house, Jacks over fours.”

Merlin whooped as the other men started to laugh and clap. Lance bowed his head to his brother.

Arthur started to collect the pieces of paper. He looked down at one of them and pursed his lips. He threw it over to Gwaine. “I don’t think I need that.”

Gwaine picked up the paper and looked at Arthur with his eyebrow raised. 

“We already have a blender and I do remember how you like to have your shakes in the morning - bananas, ice cream, and cherries.”

Gwaine played with the piece of paper and his expression softened. “You remember that?”

Arthur nodded. “I do.”

 

~*~

 

Merlin was really excited to go to the diner the next day. Lance gave them a vague indication of how the date between him and Gwen had gone, but he wanted more details.

Even though Arthur feigned no interest in getting the details, but Merlin knew he wanted to hear about the date but Arthur was really dragging his feet on going. He told Merlin he hadn’t slept well the previous night. 

His demeanor was the polar opposite of how he’d been the previous night. He kept snapping at Merlin all morning. While his tremors were getting better, Arthur was still having headaches and, after some prodding from Merlin, he admitted he’d vomited that morning.

But Arthur decided to grin and bear it and they went to the Lionheart. With how Arthur was feeling on his mind, it was hard to be as enthused when they arrived at the diner and they saw Gwen. Merlin didn’t even need to ask her how to elaborate on how things went. She was beaming from ear to ear and was chattering away before Merlin even opened his mouth.

“I’m going to assume this isn’t because you’ve inhaled fifteen cups of coffee, but because of the spectacular date with Lance,” Merlin said as he and Arthur sat at the front counter. 

Gwen leaned over and tried to look serious but the smile wasn’t budging. “It was really wonderful. We had fun at the pub and I really got to see a different side of Lance. He also told me some things that made me appreciate what a wonderful man he is.” Gwen looked down but Merlin caught her throwing a brief glance toward Arthur and Merlin had a feeling what they had discussed. 

He turned his attention to Arthur as well. “Did you hear that Arthur?”

Arthur peered up at him with a blank expression. “Yes. Absolutely wonderful. The best news ever.” His voice was rough and he had his arms wrapped around himself. When he looked at Merlin, his expression turned apologetic. “I’m sorry.”

Merlin put his hand over his. “It’s okay.”

Another reason Arthur was a little irritated was because they hadn’t made much progress looking up magic healing online. Though they did find out that there was a bookstore that sold books on magic. It was close to the Lionheart, which was another reason Merlin wanted to venture out. 

Seeing Arthur as grumpy and unhappy as when they met really troubled Merlin. He was determined to explore every avenue of helping Arthur.

Merlin got off his stool. “Arthur, I’m going to look for that bookstore. Is it okay if I leave you here?”

“Why can’t I go with you?” 

“Do you want to? You look like you can barely stand right now.” Merlin frowned.

Arthur ran his hand through his hair and tugged it in frustration. “You’re right.”

“I don’t think it’ll take very long.” 

“All right.” Arthur gave a very short wave.

Merlin had the urge to give Arthur a kiss on the cheek but resisted. He backed out of the diner and resolved to be back as soon as possible. 

Thankfully, it didn’t take him too long to find the place. It was called Kilgharrah’s Shop of Books and Mystical Wonders. It was kind of an odd name, but Merlin liked it. He walked into the shop and the bell above him clanged. As soon as he walked in he spotted an older man with wild gray hair standing behind the front counter. He looked like the kind of man you’d see in a _Harry Potter_ film.

With hesitant steps, he walked over to him. “Hi. My name is Merlin.”

“And you have magic?” The man finished.

Merlin’s eyes widened. He looked behind him and above his head. “Is there some kind of sign or something else you can detect. How do you know?”

The man’s eyes sparkled and he had a sly grin on his face. “I can always tell.”

Merlin cleared his throat. 

The man was unnerving him, but he could take it. “Are you Kilgharrah?”

“Indeed I am.”

Merlin tried to smile. “Like I said my name is Merlin. And you’re right I have magic. I was born with it. I’ve never studied it. I know very little about what I can do or how to control my magic. Can you recommend anything to help?”

Kilgharrah jerked his head to the right. “Follow me.”

Merlin followed him as the man walked around his shop. He would pick up a book here or there and fling it at Merlin. They were all very heavy and Merlin felt like he would collapse after book three. “Uh, Mr. Kilgharrah. I-I,” Merlin stammered and then shook his head. “What I really need right now is a book of spells of some sort...healing spells.”

Kilgharrah, who had been trailing his hand down a series of books, paused and looked at Merlin with a raised eyebrow. “Healing?”

“Something that heals illnesses - physical or mental.” Merlin fidgeted under Kilgharrah’s gaze.

The way Kilgharrah was looking at Merlin like it was the most peculiar thing he’d ever heard, did not indicate that he had anything new to report. 

“I’m sorry, my boy but there is no such thing. Magic can’t heal mental illnesses or diseases.” 

Merlin hung his head.

“ _But_...”

Merlin’s head shot up at that ‘but.’

“There are books that contain spells and tricks to help lessen the pain. Though it is extremely advanced magic and not for someone of your skill set,” Kilgharrah explained.

“I don’t care. I’ll take any books you have on the subject.” Merlin said with a firm voice. He meant what he said to Arthur that he would do anything to help.

Kilgharrah took the other books from his arms and dumped them on a nearby table. He picked out two more books. The language on the covers were ones he wasn’t familiar with. As they walked up to the counter, Merlin perused the books. “What language is this?” He held up one of the books.

“The books I gave you are in Latin.” Kilgharrah started to ring up the books. 

For some strange reason, Merlin thought he could understand the first book’s title. “Was the first book called _The Art of Healing_?”

Kilgharrah nodded. “That’s correct.”

Merlin pursed his lips. “That’s odd. I’m not very good at reading, but I understood that.”

“You must have very strong magical gifts. It comes naturally to you.” Kilgharrah gave him a thin smile.

“Wow,” Merlin muttered. He never knew that was possible. It made him hopeful for what he could learn from the books. One visit to the shop and he learned something he’d never known about magic. The books could possibly teach him so much more.

Kilgharrah handed Merlin his bag. “Be careful. Powerful magic is not to be trifled with or used without great thought and care.”

“I understand.” Merlin took his bag. “Thank you.”

“Use your gifts wisely, Merlin,” Kilgharrah said in parting.

Merlin just nodded and left the shop as soon as possible. He couldn’t wait to tear into the books so he took one out of the bag and started perusing it as he was walking. It tickled Merlin that he was actually able to read something with no difficulty and no help needed. He was going to have to get all of his books in Italian.

When he opened the door to the diner, he was still lost in the book so didn’t register what was happening until Gwen ran up to him. It was then he noticed the few patrons in the diner - about five or six people - were hunched over someone shaking uncontrollably on the floor. 

“Merlin!” Gwen tugged at his arm.

Scanning the crowd, Merlin noticed that Arthur was nowhere in sight. He prayed he was in the bathroom. 

“Merlin!” Gwen screamed.

“What happened?” Merlin jerked his head toward her. 

“I don’t know.” Gwen looked shell-shocked. Her face was pale and her eyes wide. “I had brought him something to drink because he said he was thirsty. I turned my back to take someone’s order and I suddenly hear the glass shatter and when I turned around he was shaking violently. He would have fallen over, but Daegal caught him. Apparently, Daegal works at the hospital and knew what to do. He put him on the floor and after seconds Arthur stopped shaking. But he just started convulsing again before you got here. We’ve called the ambulance and they’ll be here any minute.”

Merlin was gone before Gwen finished explaining. He fell to his knees in front of Arthur. The sight before him made him sick to his stomach. Arthur’s eyes were wide and his teeth clenched and he was drooling uncontrollably. 

“Oh, Arthur!” Merlin cried. “I’m so sorry!” He whipped his head around to look out the door. “Where the hell are they?”

The ambulance arrived a minute later. Merlin wanted to ride with Arthur, but they wouldn’t allow it. Gwen had to hold him back from jumping in any way. She dragged him to her car and they raced to the hospital.

Gwen had already called Lance when Merlin was walking back from the bookstore. When Merlin and Gwen arrived at the hospital, they assumed Arthur had already gotten there but didn’t know since the hospital was swamped and no one was answering them. 

Merlin had never been so relieved in his life than when he saw Lance run into the hospital. 

“Where is he? What’s happening?” Lance said as he skidded to a stop in front of Merlin.

“I don’t know.” Merlin pulled at his hair. “No one will answer us.”

“Sod that!” Lance spit out. He pushed his way through three men and a woman, two doctors and a nurse, who seemed to be just casually chatting. He slapped his hand against the reception desk. “Hello! I need information on a patient.”

The brunette woman huffed as she looked up at Lance. “I will help you in just-”

“No! Now!” Lance interrupted. Merlin had never seen him so enraged. “My brother, Arthur Pendragon, was brought in. He was having seizures. I don’t think it’s too much to ask if he survived the ambulance ride and to know where he is.”

While the woman still seemed a little put-off, her expression did soften. She started typing on her computer. “What was the name?”

“Arthur Pendragon.” Lance took a deep breath and let it out. “Thank you.”

The receptionist peered up at him. “Arthur Pendragon is stable and currently in room 22, down the hall and to the left.” She pointed.

Lance nodded. “Thank you.” He turned to Merlin and Gwen.

“Let’s go.” Merlin started to run off.

Lance grabbed his arm. “I think you should wait out here.”

Merlin gaped at him. “You can’t be serious.”

“I know how Arthur gets when he’s in the hospital. He doesn’t like people seeing him like that. I don’t think he’d want you there - right now.”

Merlin opened his mouth to argue, but then better of it. Right now someone needed to be with Arthur and he didn’t want to waste time arguing with Lance. Plus, Lance was his brother and knew him better than Merlin did. So, with great effort, Merlin nodded. Lance squeezed his hand before he took off.

Merlin tried to sit, but he couldn’t do it. He ran his hand roughly through his hair as he paced. 

“You heard them. Arthur has stabilized. That means he’ll be okay.” Gwen tried to reassure him. 

Merlin shook his head. “You don’t know that.”

It was another ten agonizing minutes later before Lance walked back through the double doors. He flashed a small smile at Merlin. As he stopped in front of Merlin, Lance sighed. “Arthur had a seizure.”

“I know.” It came out harsher than Merlin had intended.

Lance went on. “He had a seizure. While it’s scary, it has happened before. But he’s stable now and he’ll be able to come home soon. They want to keep him overnight to monitor his condition and make sure there isn’t an underlying reason for what happened, but Dr. Scott thinks it was most likely a reaction to the medication. His meds will need to be adjusted.”

When Lance was done, Merlin goggled at him. “That’s it?”

Lance clasped his hands together and blew out a breath. “Yes. This is how it’s done.”

Merlin loved Lance but he was close to throttling him right now. He couldn’t believe how calm and almost flippant Lance was being. “All they’re going to do is adjust his meds? The meds that did this to him in the first place? I thought they were supposed to be helping, not killing him.”

Gwen stepped in. “Merlin, you don’t need to attack Lance.”

Lance held up his hand. “It’s okay. I know how incredibly frustrating this is. You’re new at this, Merlin. I’ve been doing this for over ten years now. This may seem futile, but the reason Arthur is able to form a relationship with you, the reason he can function at all is because of the medication. But it doesn’t work perfectly.”

“So he just has to be in agony?”

“No!” Lance shook his head. He closed his eyes and sighed. “The doctors have to keep working until they find the right combination that will work for Arthur. This is the only way to help.”

Merlin turned away from Lance. He tried to take a calming breath. He couldn’t make Lance the enemy. But Merlin was going to be damned if he was going to do nothing. This couldn’t be the only way. He was going to find a better way for Arthur.

 

~*~

 

Lance sat down in the waiting room and tried to calm down, but his legs kept shaking. He was planning on staying there all night. He almost jumped when he felt someone put their hand on his knee. When he looked up and saw Gwen smiling at him, he let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He tried to return the smile but was sure it was unconvincing.

“Where’s Merlin?” Lance ran his hands down his trousers and stared at the floor.

Gwen handed him a cup. “Some tea.”

“Thank you.” Lance pulled the lid off and felt steam hit his face.

“As for Merlin, he’s at your house.”

Lance sputtered in surprise. “Really? I thought he’d stay here.”

Gwen shook her head. “I don’t know. He said he had something important to do.”

“It’s probably just a lot to take in, dealing with this and being here.” Lance gestured around him. “It can be overwhelming.”

“Not only for him,” Gwen said with a pointed look.

Lance shrugged. “I’m used to it.”

“Doesn’t make it any easier.” Gwen turned in her seat and put her hand on Lance’s knee. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”

While he appreciated Gwen’s support, he didn’t feel he could crack now. Despite knowing that Lance found himself choking up. 

“You’re terrified, aren’t you?” Gwen asked matter-of-factly.

Lance stifled a sob. “I don’t need to be. Arthur will be fine. I know that because I keep saying it to myself over and over.” He put the cup down by his feet and put his head in his hands. “Merlin had every right to be upset. This is ridiculous and it makes me want to scream, but I don’t see any other way to help him.”

Gwen massaged his knee. 

“One of the worst things is that I fooled myself into believing that things were getting better. I really thought they were this time.” He sat back in his chair heavily.

“I’m sorry, Lancelot. This is all so terrible.” She sighed. “But I have some good news for you.”

Lance turned to her. “What’s that?” 

“You don’t have to do this alone.” She took his hand and held it between both of hers.

Lance looked at her and wondered how he could feel so horrible and lucky at the same time. “I’m glad you’re here with me, Gwen. It feels nice to finally have something that’s mine.” As soon as he said it, Lance winced. “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that you were _mine_ as if I own you. That’s ridiculous. I would never-”

Gwen put her finger on his lips. “I think I can take the compliment.” She leaned over and kissed him.


	10. Chapter 10

Arthur had been in and out of consciousness all day. When he had woken up in the hospital, he couldn’t remember what had happened. When Dr. Scott explained that he’d had a seizure Arthur was upset and worried though that quickly led to anger. This was the second time this had happened to him. He should have seen it coming. 

It just confirmed for him that the doctors - that Lance - didn’t know what they were talking about. This was never going to get better. When Lance came into his room, Arthur had pretended to be asleep. He didn’t have the energy to yell at him the way he wanted to.

For awhile, he watched the door and kept waiting. Merlin would come to see him, he just knew it. But the more time passed, the more anxious Arthur became. After a few hours, he stopped waiting and realized that of course Merlin wouldn’t come to see him. This was probably too much for him. He wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep for weeks.

Some time later, Arthur slowly blinked open his eyes. When his vision focused he saw Merlin sitting by his chair and Arthur let out a startled yelp. Merlin jumped.

“Oh, God Arthur I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I didn’t want to wake you that I was why I was just sitting here,” Merlin explained in fast ramble.

“So you just decided to watch me sleep,” Arthur croaked out. He cleared his throat. “That’s not unsettling at all.”

“I’m sorry,” Merlin repeated. He sat down again and moved the chair closer to the bed.

Arthur sat up in bed and was annoyed by the constant beep-beep-beep of the machines next to the bed. He glared at it then turned to Merlin. It started to sink in that Merlin was actually here. “You didn’t leave?”

Merlin wrinkled his forehead. “I did. I went back home briefly.”

It warmed Arthur’s heart that Merlin referred to it as “home.” Arthur swallowed and picked at spot on his blanket. “I-I thought you wouldn’t want to be around me anymore.”

Merlin stood up immediately. He gingerly sat down next to Arthur on the bed. “Why would you think that?”

Arthur took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He felt on the verge of tears and he hated that feeling. “Because it’s one thing for me to tell you about everything that comes with my illness and then having to deal with something like this - to see it first hand. You can probably handle tremors and headaches and vomiting and, God, all the other shit but this,” he gestured to the hospital room. “This going to keep happening because Lance and Dr. Scott will never let me stop taking these drugs. And I hate to break it to you, but seizures aren’t even the worst that can happen. I don’t blame you if this is too much for you.” He sighed. “Actually, I would blame you and curse you for the rest of my days,” he said without bite and a chuckle. Arthur frowned. “But I’d understand.”

Merlin held Arthur’s hand between his own. “I’m not giving up on you, Arthur.” He hesitantly picked Arthur’s hand up and bent down to press his lips softly to Arthur’s knuckles.

Arthur was surprised his heart monitor didn’t go into overdrive. When Merlin looked at him through his lashes, Arthur knew he need to be closer to Merlin. He scooted over as far as he could on the bed. Merlin took the hint and lay next to Arthur. He put his arm around him. 

“I have some good news.” Merlin smiled. 

Arthur picked his head up from where it rested against Merlin’s shoulder. “What’s that?”

“Earlier when I went to that bookstore I found something - well, two things actually. I can read Latin.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Merlin nodded. “But that’s not the best part. I think - _think_ mind you, nothing’s definite - that I might have found a book that can help you.”

Arthur gasped and pulled back to look at Merlin’s face. He found that he was speechless. 

“Like I said, I can’t promise anything but there’s a chance,” Merlin elaborated.

After recently feeling that things were getting better, Arthur knew that he should perhaps only be cautiously optimistic, but when he saw the hopeful look in Merlin’s eyes, he couldn’t help feeling that same hope. That feeling was what probably emboldened Arthur and he lifted up to press a gentle kiss to Merlin’s lips.

 

~*~

 

When Arthur returned home, both Lance and Merlin doted on him. After only a couple of hours of that Arthur was annoyed and told them both to leave him alone. It didn’t bother Merlin. He really wouldn’t have expected anything less of Arthur. And he didn’t mind the time to himself to keep reading the books he got from Kilgharrah’s shop. 

Merlin had always known that there was a lot about magic he didn’t know and he didn’t know how right he was. While it was fun finding out that there really were spells to turn someone into a toad - well not a toad, but there was a glamour to make it look like someone had really disgusting warts on their face - what he was really interested in was helping Arthur.

Merlin went back to the shop and he talked with Kilgharrah some more. While the man’s penchant for sometimes staring at Merlin unnerved him, he had a lot of great insights. He told Merlin that his magic could be tied to his emotions. Depending on the emotion, his magic could become more erratic or stronger than ever. Also, that the more spells he used and the more he learned to control his magic, the more powerful he could be. He would need that power to help Arthur.

He still spent as much time with Arthur as he could. After a few days, Arthur was more open to spending more time outside of his room. They didn’t do much. Sometimes Arthur watched him cook. Sometimes Merlin read to Arthur from his books. Other times he showed Arthur little tricks he was learning. Arthur was delighted the first time Merlin made a tiny imaginary dragon appear in his hand.

Most often they just watched Merlin’s movie collection. When Merlin wanted to watch _The Breakfast Club_ he realized he must have left it at Cenred’s. Merlin groaned at the realization since it was one of his favorites.

“Let’s just go and pick it up,” Arthur suggested as if it was so simple.

“Or I could ring him and have Cenred send it through the post. Or buy another one.” Merlin wring his hands.

“That’s ridiculous. Let’s just go.”

Merlin stood in front of Arthur. “You can’t go anywhere.”

Arthur glared at him. “If you say it’s because I’m too fragile, I’m going to bloody scream.”

“No,” Merlin lied in a way that was fooling no one. “But we don’t have a car.”

Arthur shrugged. “So we’ll walk. It’s not that far.”

Racking his brain for more excuses, Merlin came up with nothing so he had no choice but to relent. Twenty minutes later, they arrived at Cenred’s house. 

Merlin and Arthur walked up to the front door. “Do you still have a key?” Arthur asked.

Merlin let out a mirthless chuckle. “Cenred didn’t trust me with keys.” He rubbed his sweaty palms together. “He could be home.”

“I didn’t see his car.” Arthur looked behind them.

“He parks it in the garage.” With a heavy sigh, Merlin knocked. Cenred actually answered on the third knock.

Cenred sneered when he saw the two of them. “Bugger it all, what do you two want?”

“I...” Merlin’s words caught in his throat and he had to start over. Just looking at Cenred unnerved him. “I left a movie here and I’d like to get it. May I?”

Cenred crossed his arms over his chest and looked Merlin up and down. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Merlin saw that Arthur squared his shoulders and looked like he was ready to get in Cenred’s face. Merlin just looked back at him and with his pleading expression tried to convince Arthur to back down. Thankfully, it worked. 

Rolling his eyes, Cenred finally took a step back to let Merlin and Arthur in. “Your ridiculous movies are by the television. Hurry up and get them.”

Just as anxious to be away from there, Merlin rushed right over to the den. They were where Cenred had said. He’d also left a copy of _It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World_ and _Limelight_. He shook his head and couldn’t believe he’d forgotten those. 

When Merlin turned around, he was surprised to see Cenred blocking his path out of the room. “I can’t believe they haven’t gotten sick of you yet.”

Merlin was trying really hard not to let Cenred get under his skin. It was barely working. 

Next to him Arthur growled. “Didn’t I warn you?”

Cenred snickered. “As if I’d really be afraid of you.” He grinned. “My friend Edwin was at the Lionheart the other day when you collapsed. He said it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen.” He started to mimic Arthur’s convulsing.

Feeling a fiery rage like none he’d ever felt before, Merlin felt like something exploded inside of him and with a loud roar he stuck out his hand and shouted “levate.” A screaming Cenred found himself pinned to the ceiling.

Briefly, Merlin looked back and saw that Arthur’s jaw was almost on the ground. Merlin stalked toward Cenred. “I’m going to need you to apologize to Arthur.”

Cenred was too busy screaming to listen to Merlin. “Shu tup!” Merlin yelled. With an almost audible snap, Cenred closed his mouth. “Now apologize to Arthur. And, to be clear, make it a sincere one or I might have to pin you somewhere more unpleasant - like the back of a plane in mid-flight.”

Cenred gulped. “I-I-I’m so very sorry!”

“Now, one to me for being such an unrelenting wanker. And use the words ‘I’m sorry for being such a wanker.’”

Cenred whimpered. “I’m sorry for being such a wanker.”

Arthur clutched Merlin’s arm and kept snickering.

Lowering his arm, Merlin set Cenred back down on the ground. When Merlin stepped towards him, Cenred scurried back and pressed up against the wall. Looking at how frightened Cenred was, Merlin felt more satisfaction than he thought was healthy. But he was glad for once to be the one with the power against Cenred.

“If I never saw you again that would suit me just fine.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “But my Mum loves you and I’m not going to hurt her by letting her know what a waste of space you are. But you remember this moment the next time we see each other. Next time I won’t be so gentle.”

Cenred stared at him with wide eyes, but seemed to get the message as he nodded. 

Merlin looked over his shoulder. “Come on, Arthur.” He walked out without another word. As soon as he stepped outside, it hit him what he’d done and he almost collapsed on the concrete path. 

Arthur rushed over to him. “Are you alright?”

Merlin ran a hand down his face and stood up. “Yeah. It’s just I’ve never felt such a rush of power before. It was...intense.”

“But it was good, yeah? Finally standing up to that plonker.”

Merlin slowly grinned. “Yes, it was good.” He laughed and he threw his arms around Arthur and they hugged. When Merlin pulled away, he took ahold of Arthur’s hands. “I think I might be ready. It’s time to try the healing spell.”

Arthur gasped and then pulled Merlin to him again.

 

~*~

 

If it were up to Lance, he would be spending half of his time with Arthur and half with Gwen. But with work that wasn’t possible. Also, Arthur insisted that Lance take some time for Gwen. Lance hadn’t seen her in a week. They talked a lot, but it wasn’t the same.

To get Lance to get out of the house, Arthur invoked his poker winnings and collected on Lance’s promise for one night alone. Even though Lance wanted to see Gwen, he asked Merlin if he wanted to see a movie with him, but Merlin declined and said he had other plans.

It was extremely difficult for Lance to leave that night. He knew Arthur had a cell phone and hoped he would call him if he felt it necessary, but knowing his brother, he wasn’t sure if that would happen. Still, Lance managed to leave - with Arthur literally pushing him out the door. 

Lance and Gwen decided to spend the night for the first time at her flat. Lance was trying not to make any assumptions about where the night would go - but he was hoping they could take their relationship to another level. But if Gwen wasn’t ready, he would spend the rest of the night at Gwaine’s.

They spent part of the night with Lance teaching Gwen how to play poker. After that they were going to watch a movie. When Gwen went to get them some snacks and drinks, Lance was left in her living room and looked around. Her laptop was open on her coffee table. Lance tried to avoid peeking at it, but caught a glimpse of it and then figured there was no harm in looking. It seemed as if Gwen was working on a story.

“I’ve got sangria and chips. Though I’m not sure if that’s a great combination.” Gwen smiled. Her smile only faltered when she saw Lance staring at her computer. 

Lance popped his head up and backed away from it. “I’m sorry. It was open.”

Gwen walked over and set a tray down next to the laptop. “It’s okay. It’s just a silly story.”

“Silly? Is that all it is?” 

Gwen sat down next to him. She looked down at her hands. “I don’t know. I do have thirty chapter of it.”

“Thirty?!” Lance pressed closer to her. “That doesn’t sound silly to me.”

Gwen grabbed the bowl of chips and hugged it close. “I’ll admit after I gave up acting I thought that perhaps I could try my hand at writing a novel. I don’t want to get ahead of myself though, so I’m trying to convince myself it’s just for fun.”

Lance nodded. “That makes sense.”

Gwen closed the laptop. “So let’s just concentrate on the movie.”

“Okay.”

Gwen chose the movie _Sliding Doors_. Lance was only half paying attention. He kept thinking about Gwen’s story and how she could turn it into a career.”

That flew out of his mind when Gwen pressed her back against him and he wrapped his arms around her. But after the movie, Lance had a few questions. “Have you ever thought of getting a literary agent?”

Gwen ‘s brow furrowed as she took the movie from the DVD player. “Why would I do that?”

Lance shook his head. “You’re probably right. That might be getting too ahead of yourself, but have you let anyone see your writing? Someone who can give you some constructive criticism? Then when you’re done you can show it around so you can get an agent.”

“I’ve never shown it to anyone. Like I said it’s just supposed to be fun. I don’t know if I’m any good.”

Lance got up and walked around the table. “But you won’t know unless you let someone help you.”

Gwen bit her lip as she put the DVD back in its case. “Why are you pushing so hard?”

Maybe Gwen had a point and he should back off, but Lance didn’t want to see Gwen waste an opportunity. “I just think you’re very talented.”

“How would you know?” Gwen crossed her arms in front of her chest. “The only film you’ve seen me in was goddawful rubbish and you haven’t read a word of my story.”

Lance could see she was getting agitated though he wasn’t sure why. He was trying to be supportive. He held up his hands. “I know. But I have faith in you.” Gwen’s expression seemed to soften. “I think you have so much potential and I don’t want to see you waste your life at the diner.” The way Gwen slowly glared at him, her brown eyes stormy, told him he’d said the wrong thing. 

Gwen threw the DVD case down. “What’s wrong with the diner?”

Lance threw up his hands. “Nothing, exactly. It’s just...you can do better.” He was digging a hole and didn’t know how to stop.

 

“Better?” Gwen arched an eyebrow. “I happen to love my job, Lance.” She stalked toward him. “You’re talking to me about my potential. You sound like a life coach, not a boyfriend. I don’t need you to save me.”

Clasping his hands together tightly, he stared down at the ground. “That’s not what I’m trying to do.”

“Yes, it is!” Gwen pointed. “Stop treating me like I’m Arthur!”

Lance took a step back. “Don’t do that. That is not fair.” It hurt that she was using his brother’s name in that way. He’d shared things with her about his brother, he hadn’t with anyone, and he felt it was wrong for her to throw that in his face. 

“Lance, you have this need to fix things and, for the most part, it’s admirable, but you need to take a step back and realize not everyone needs you to swoop in and fix their problems.” 

“So, it’s wrong that I want to help the people that I love?” Lance snorted. “That’s funny.”

“It’s not wrong.” Gwen’s shoulders slumped and she looked at Lance with a combination of sadness and pity he didn’t appreciate. “But sometimes there’s nothing you can do.”

“Is that supposed to be about Arthur?”

Gwen looked taken aback. “No.”

Lance didn’t believe her. “I can help my brother. I know I can. I won’t quit on him. Quitting is your specialty, not mine.”

Gwen’s head snapped back and her mouth contorted in anger. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Acting was supposed to be your dream and you just gave up on it. I had to give up my dreams of a career because someone needed to look out for Arthur. You didn’t have to quit but you did. Now you’re too scared to even try to make something with your writing. Don’t get mad at me because you’re scared to fail.” He knew he was wrong as he was saying it, but Lance couldn’t stop himself. He hated the crestfallen look on her face.

Putting her hands on her hips, Gwen blew out a few breaths. When she looked up at Lance again, her eyes were wet, but her voice was steely. “I think you should go.”

Lance nodded. “Okay.” He walked past Gwen and to the door. Before he touched the doorknob, he turned to Gwen - who still had her back turned - he opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t think of anything to say so he left and let the door close softly behind him.

Walking on unsteady feet back to his car, Lance kept wondering how things had gone pear-shaped so fast and so badly. 

 

~*~

 

Arthur is relieved when he finally gets Lance to leave. It was like pulling teeth, though after Lance left Merlin pointed out it probably wouldn’t have been so difficult if Lance knew Merlin was going to be there. He was probably right. Arthur couldn’t even put his finger on why he didn’t want Lance to know Merlin would be there that night. 

It was most likely because Arthur knew Lance would have questions if on Arthur’s one night alone he chose to spend it with Merlin and Arthur wasn’t ready to reveal to Lance just how close he and Merlin were getting. Firstly, it was none of his business and secondly, and probably most importantly, Arthur knew his brother probably wouldn’t react well to the news.

Arthur was also nervous because Merlin was going to perform the healing spell on him. He’d never had magic performed on him and didn’t know what to expect. Merlin said it was a simple spell and would take no time at all, but Merlin didn’t want to take any chances. 

For the most part, Arthur had been feeling okay that day, but he had a headache and was feeling nauseous. He wasn’t sure if the nausea was because of any side effects or due to his nerves. 

Merlin and Arthur sat on Arthur’s bed. Merlin seemed to be shaking from nerves. “How are you feeling, Arthur?”

“Like I’m going to vomit at any moment so you might want to get to it,” Arthur answered.

Merlin’s responding laugh was shaky. Merlin put his hands on Arthur’s head. He started speaking in Latin - for the first time in his life Arthur really wished that he had taken Latin in secondary school. To keep himself calm, Arthur just focused on Merlin’s golden eyes. It was really mesmerizing and he imagined this must be what it was like to be hypnotized.

Like Merlin said, he was done in no time. He slowly pulled back and his hands fell to Arthur’s thighs. “How are you feeling?” Merlin asked again.

Arthur took a moment and then he began to laugh. “I feel bloody fantastic! I didn’t feel quite that bad before, but the way I feel now is an astronomical difference.” He shook his head and smiled at Merlin. “You’re brilliant!”

Merlin blushed.

It was so cute that Arthur couldn’t help himself and leaned over and kissed Merlin. It was a quick press of their lips, like all of their other kisses, but when Arthur pulled back and Merlin opened his eyes their eyes met and Arthur saw an intense longing in Merlin’s eyes that matched his own, so Arthur went in for another kiss - a deeper and longer one.

Merlin pulled back and panted as he looked down. “That was…” He rubbed his lips together and chuckled. “That was wonderful.” He peered up at Arthur and couldn’t seem to maintain eye contact.

“Merlin?” Arthur whispered. After a few seconds, Merlin finally looked up at him without breaking eye contact. “Merlin, I want to have sex.”

The way Merlin’s mouth fell open was so funny and cute, Arthur giggled.

Merlin shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” For some reason, Arthur’s confidence wasn’t shaken by Merlin’s answer especially since Merlin didn’t seem vehement about it. 

Glancing down again, Merlin started to stammer. “I-I just performed magic on you. How do I know this isn’t a reaction to that?”

“Was the spell designed to make me want to have sex with you?” Arthur scrunched up his nose. 

“What! No!” When Merlin’s head snapped up, his eyes were wide.

Arthur grinned. “Then I don’t see the problem.”

Merlin ran a hand through his hair. “I just don’t think it’s the right time.”

“Is that because of my illness? Because the mentally ill can get horny, too.”

Merlin started to laugh so hard at that, he almost seemed to choke. He shook his head. “It’s not your illness.”

At this point, Arthur was at a loss and was truly starting to think that Merlin just didn’t want him. He pushed back and sat against the headboard. “Is it because you don’t want me?”

Merlin shook his head forcefully. “I do want to be with you, Arthur. I just don’t want you to feel like it’s something you need to do to please me. I don’t want to take advantage of you. It would kill me to hurt you in any way.”

This was why he wanted to be with Merlin. Arthur got up on his knees and moved closer to Merlin. He cupped Merlin’s face in his hands. “One thing I know is that you would never hurt me. I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my life.” He stroked his thumb down Merlin’s cheek. “I used to have to look at pictures and have to practice smiling because I couldn’t remember feeling true happiness. I don’t have to do that anymore. Being with you is what I want because I want…” Arthur’s words caught in his throat and he swallowed. “I want to show you how much I love you.”

Merlin blinked up at Arthur and panted softly. “I love you, too.” 

Arthur wasn’t sure who reached for the other first, all he knew was that suddenly they were kissing and suddenly the years of loneliness and isolation and sadness melted away and finally knew what it was like to have a perfect moment.

Merlin ran his hands through Arthur’s hair and gradually deepened their kiss. Merlin’s tongue ran along Arthur’s bottom lip and for a second Arthur froze and wasn’t sure what to do. He had never had someone’s tongue in his mouth and he worried that he might not like it or that he wouldn’t know what to do. Slowly, he parted his lips and Merlin flicked the tip of his tongue against Arthur’s. That sent a jolt of arousal to Arthur’s groin and he opened his mouth wider. 

Just when he was getting the hang of things, Merlin pulled back. He looked around the room and when he looked back at Arthur he had on a sheepish smile. “I...don’t have anything.”

Arthur was confused and cocked his head to the side. “You don’t have any what?”

“You know…” Merlin gestured vaguely with his hand. 

A light bulb went off for Arthur. “Oh, condoms!” He chuckled. 

‘Yeah, I don’t have any condoms or lube.”

“Well, I’m a virgin so I don’t see any problems with the lack of condom. What about you?”

Merlin bit his lip. “I’ve had a couple of one nighters with blokes I met at clubs. That was before I realized I was looking for more.” He gave Arthur a pointed look. It was Arthur’s turn to blush. “But both times we were careful.”

“Okay.” Arthur nodded. “As for the lube, I told you Merlin, the mentally ill get horny. I have been known to masturbate from time to time.” 

The way Merlin’s face got redder and redder was adorable and Arthur just wanted to kiss his face all over. 

“It’s in the drawer of my end table.” Arthur started to back away. “I’ll get it.”

“Wait.” Merlin grabbed his hand. He looked over at the table and his eyes glowed. The drawer open and the lube floated over and landed in Merlin’s outstretched hand. He chuckled.

Arthur gawked at him. “You didn’t have to say anything.”

“I think I’m getting better control of my magic and becoming stronger,” Merlin explained.

“That’s amazing,” Arthur marvelled.

There was an awkward pause between them. Merlin set the lube down and he put his hand on Arthur’s cheek and kissed him. He whimpered in Arthur’s mouth. It was the most delicious sound Arthur had ever heard.

Pulling back, Merlin pulled his braces down and started to take off his shirt. Arthur brushed his hands away and finished the job. He stared at Merlin’s chest and ran his hand down it. Merlin was skinny, but his chest was broader than Arthur had imagined. Still staring at Merlin’s chest, Arthur tried to unfasten his belt, but fumbled. Merlin helped him.

After Merlin laid down, Arthur pulled at Merlin’s jeans and Merlin wiggled out of them. When Arthur came face to face with Merlin’s trousers he wasn’t sure what to do. Merlin must have sense his hesitation because he gripped his shoulders and pulled Arthur up and they shared the dirtiest kiss of Arthur’s life. Their tongues caressed each other’s and Arthur was starting to become dizzy. 

Before that could happen, Merlin gently pushed back against Arthur’s shoulders and Arthur reluctantly sat up. It was Arthur’s turn to undress. This was when Arthur started to feel self-conscious as more and more skin was revealed. When he was down to just his underwear, he didn’t know what to do with himself as Merlin took a lingering look at him.

Merlin pressed Arthur back to lay against his pillow. Merlin started by kissing every inch of Arthur, starting with his eyelids. When he got to Arthur’s arms, Arthur got nervous and hugged his arms to his chest. 

Sitting back, with his crotch hovering just above Arthur’s, Merlin’s expression was concerned. “Do you want to stop?”

Arthur looked away. “I don’t want you to see my scars.”

Merlin put his fingers under Arthur’s chin and turned Arthur’s face toward him. “I won’t judge you, Arthur. I never would.”

Even though he believed that with everything in him, Arthur was still reluctant. He finally let his arms fall to his sides. Merlin gently picked up Arthur’s hand and when he saw the vertical line on Arthur’s wrist, Arthur could see a brief look of sadness cross over Merlin’s face, but then his eyes shuttered and he kissed Arthur’s wrist. As he did so, he rubbed their clothed crotches together and Arthur was suitably distracted and moaned.

Merlin continued with Arthur’s other wrist and down his stomach.

Arthur giggled when Merlin brushed kisses to his abdomen. Merlin grinned up at him. When he got to Arthur’s lower half he removed Arthur’s pants, after staring for a second he searched for the lube and then slid up Arthur’s body.

Panting, Arthur watched as Merlin opened the lube and coated his fingers. After throwing the bottle down, Merlin gazed down at Arthur. “We can stop at anytime.”

“Merlin, if you stop right now I might actually have to kill you.”

Merlin chuckled. He moved his down and soon Arthur felt two of Merlin’s fingers at his entrance. It felt odd and Arthur clutched at Merlin’s shoulder. When he felt one finger enter him, he bit his lip. 

“I know. I know it stings.” Merlin’s voice was soothing. It gets better I promise.” He removed his finger soon after. Then he twisted around and removed his underwear.

When he stood up to coat his cock with lube, Arthur got his first gander at Merlin’s thick erect penis and his eyelashes fluttered. He should be scared to have that inside of him, but he wasn’t. He wanted it so badly.

Merlin pressed his forehead to Arthur’s and he started to work himself inside as slow as he could. Arthur could feel Merlin trembling above him. Arthur stroked his hand down Merlin’s face and their eyes met. The pain was ten times worse than with Merlin’s finger inside, but the pain melted away when Arthur saw the love in Merlin’s eyes.

Merlin buried his head in Arthur’s shoulder. “Arthur, I’m sorry.” He groaned. “I don’t think this is going to last long.”

At this point, Merlin was buried in to the hilt and Arthur had never felt such an intense pleasure in all of his life. He wanted it to go on forever, but he was truly okay with however long it last. “I don’t care. I love you, Merlin.”

Picking up his head, Merlin gave him a the most radiant smile Arthur had ever seen. Merlin pushed in slow. He would pull out and then push back at a torturous pace. It drove Arthur mad and he moaned. 

After a few minutes, Merlin started to grind in harder and deeper. Sweat pooled on his forehead and Arthur knew he was holding himself back. Arthur brushed his hand through Merlin’s damp hair. Arthur could feel something ready to snap inside of him. He threw back his head and whimpered. “I think - I think...Merlin…” He panted. When Merlin put his hand on his cock and stroked him, Arthur was done. He let out a loud groan and could feel a sticky wetness against his stomach.

It took two more thrusts and then Merlin’s hips stuttered. He spilled inside Arthur. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” Merlin repeated as his body continued to shudder.

For a few minutes, the only thing heard in the room was the sound of their heavy breaths as they tried to recover. Merlin seemed to come down before Arthur and he pulled out. Grabbing some tissues by the bed, he cleaned the both of them up.

Arthur was still staring at the ceiling and he thought he might wear the smile on his face for the rest of his life. Somehow he felt even happier when Merlin crawled back in bed and put his arm around Arthur’s stomach and held him close. They both fell asleep.

A couple of hours later, Arthur woke up. He smiled when he glanced down and saw Merlin’s dark mop of hair and felt his head pillowed against his chest. But Arthur found the strength to pull himself away from Merlin. He had an urge to preserve the memory of this night. He found an empty notebook and started to write. 

For the first time in his life, Arthur truly knew what it was like to have the kind of love his parents felt for each other. For a long time, he never thought he could have this. To have someone love him - to have someone as special as Merlin love him - it felt like the universe was paying him back for the pile of misery his life had been for so long. This had to mean good things for the future. It just had to. 

Arthur felt that Merlin deserved someone who was whole and not someone who was constantly drugged up and someone who couldn’t take charge of their own life. He’d been patient with Lance and Dr. Scott, but he couldn’t do it. He wanted his future with Merlin to start now. There was only one thing to do - he needed to stop taking his medication.


	11. Chapter 11

This should have been a really happy moment. Lance, Arthur, and Merlin were in the park. It was a beautiful day. They were seated on a red blanket under the shade of a beautiful tree. The trip to the park - and a walk around town - was actually suggested by Arthur. Arthur was surprisingly perky that morning - Merlin was as well. It should have been a grand moment, but Lance was still upset over what happened with Gwen. 

He spent the morning debating whether to call Gwen or not, but he wasn’t sure what to say first. He didn’t know if he deserved forgiveness.

Lance was not much of a confrontational person. The only person he’d ever had those kinds of fights with were Arthur and Agravaine. But his fight with Gwen was so much different. Lance felt like he’d been in the wrong and had attacked Gwen without reason. He’d never been that cruel without cause before.

Suddenly, Lance felt someone kick his foot. He stared ahead and saw Arthur frowning. “Usually I’m the grumpy downer around here. What’s going on with you?”

Lance took off his sunglasses and sat up. “It’s nothing.”

“It doesn’t seem like nothing.” Merlin joined in. “And why did you look so depressed when we suggested Gwen come along?”

Lance winced at her name.

Arthur pointed to his face. “See, there it is again.”

Lance pinched the bridge of his nose. “If you must know, we had a falling out.” He sighed. “I don’t know if it’s going to work out between us.”

Merlin put his hand over his mouth and Arthur frowned. 

“What happened?” Merlin asked. 

Lance started gathering their things up in the picnic basket. “If it’s all the same to you both, I’d really prefer not to get into it yet.”

Arthur pursed his lips and considered this. He finally leaned over and squeezed Lance’s hand. “Whatever you want.”

The fact that, not only was Arthur being agreeable, but that he seemed so sympathetic bowled Lance over. 

Merlin stood up and he walked over to Lance. He wasn’t sure why Merlin was standing over him, especially gazing at him with a cocked head and considering expression. Finally, Merlin took off his black fedora and put it on Lance’s head. Not in the mood, Lance took it off. He meant to just give it to Merlin but it flew out of his hand.

As Lance and Arthur watched, Merlin walked over to his hat, which was lying on the pavement, and bent over to pick it up, but the hat moved out of his grasp. So he went to get it again and the same thing happened. Merlin seemed to stare at it in confusion. He tentatively bent down and reached out his hand and the hat moved away again.

Lance and Arthur finished packing up their stuff and walked over to see what Merlin was up to.

Merlin hunched over and poked at the hat. It didn’t move. So, then he went to retrieve it and again it moved away from him. 

Sharing an amused look with Arthur, Lance noticed that a couple of people had also begun to watch Merlin. Merlin kept trying to get his hat, but every time it seemed to move further and further away. At this point, Merlin wasn’t anywhere near the fedora and it still travelled, as if by magic. Before Lance could see that Merlin was kicking it, but this was different. 

Finally, Merlin apparently had enough and jumped on the hat, completely covering it. He looked around with wide eyes.

Many more people gathered around and some were laughing. Lance was enthralled as well, especially knowing Merlin and how shy he was. He wondered where Merlin’s self-consciousness went.

Having succeeded in picking up his hat, Merlin stood up. But now when he tried to put the hat back on, it kept popping off. Merlin’s face scrunched up in annoyance. He held the hat in front of it and closed one eye and peered into it. Then he put his hand in the hole. His eyebrows rose and he seemed startled. When he stared down down at it and pulled his hand out, there were white roses in there. 

Lance and Arthur share another incredulous look. Some of the people are clapping. Merlin walked over and he handed Lance the flowers. Lance shook his head, but laughed. 

Now, Merlin tipped the hat over and shook it. When nothing else came out, he tried to put it on again, but again it popped into the air. So, again Merlin looked down and stuck his hand and seemed to root around in there. Eventually, he pulled out a small gray toy dragon. Arthur threw his head back and laughed when Merlin gave it to him.

Then, Merlin stepped back and he extracted three balls - two red and one gold. He started juggling with them. It went on for a minute, and the crowd of twenty or more people cheered and clapped. To finish up, Merlin caught the two red balls, but the gold one disappeared.

“Where’d it go?” Arthur whispered.

Lance smiled.

Merlin scratched his head and turned around in circles, so much so he got dizzy and held his head. When he recovered he went around looking for the ball. He looked for it under one of the green benches, in one of the crowd member’s paper bag. Finally, he looked down his black trousers. The crowd roared.

Zeroing in on Lance, Merlin marched toward him. Lance had no idea what was happening. Merlin reached into Lance’s flowers and pulled out the gold ball. The crowd and Arthur began to clap. Lance was fixated on something he thought he saw when Merlin looked up. It seemed that his eyes were glowing. Lance furrowed his brow.

Merlin bowed to the audience. After that, he bounded over to Arthur and Lance. His smile was infectious. Lance’s thoughts about Merlin’s eyes temporarily stopped when Arthur actually hugged Merlin.

“That was _brilliant_!”

Merlin laughed. “Thank you.”

Lance shook himself out of his haze. “Yes, it was spectacular.”

“Did it cheer you up?” Merlin asked.

It finally dawned on Lance that Merlin had done that for his benefit. It truly touched him. “Yes.”

They start to walk back toward the house. Lance can’t get the thought of Merlin’s eyes out of his head. He cleared his throat. “Merlin at one point it seemed that your eyes were glowing. That’s not possible, right?” He chewed on his lower lip. “And some of those tricks seemed out of this world.”

It didn’t escape Lance’s attention that Merlin and Arthur shared a worried glance.

Merlin took a deep breath. “You weren’t imagining things. My eyes did glow. They get like that when I use...magic.”

Lance stopped in his tracks. “You have magic?”

Merlin just nodded. 

The terrified expression on Merlin’s face saddened Lance. He wondered how others must have reacted to this news. Lance put his hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “I think it’s brilliant.”

Arthur looked stunned and Merlin beamed at him.

“Merlin, you’re my friend. I’m not going to judge you. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having magic. 

The twin looks of relief and happiness on Arthur and Merlin’s face made Lance smile. The day was turning much better than it started.

 

~*~

 

Finally letting Lance know about his magic was a huge load off Merlin’s mind. He was so relieved that Lance didn’t reject him or get mad that he didn’t tell him about it. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have found Lance and Arthur. Lance was starting to feel like a brother. His relationship with his own brother Mordred was a bit complicated.

When Mordred got older they started to drift apart. There was a huge age difference with between Mordred and him. Mordred also had some jealousy over Merlin’s magic. But the age difference didn’t seem to matter between him and Lance. It probably helped that their personalities were so similar. 

Because of the bond they were forming, Merlin felt guilty over the lies he was keeping from Lance. He and Arthur still hadn’t told Lance they were romantically involved and now they were keeping from him the healing spells Merlin was performing on Arthur.

They had kept up with that and it seemed to work beautifully every time. Arthur always said how heavenly he felt afterwards. He’d never seen Arthur happier. The only reason Merlin agreed to lie to Lance about it was he was sure Lance wouldn’t approve.

He and Lance were starting to spend more time together and it was harder to keep his relationship with Arthur a secret. Lance had more time on his hands since he was done with his client Vivian. And, of course, there was his dust-up with Gwen. They still hadn’t spoken.

Merlin and Lance were now in the backyard gardening. Lance had shared that gardening calmed him and Merlin had always wanted to try his hand at it. He was down on his hands and knees about to plant some tomato seeds, when he noticed Arthur standing by outside the door, with his hand on his hip. 

“What’s happening?” Merlin smiled.

Arthur glowered at him. “I’ve been alone all day, that’s what’s happening. I thought you wanted me to help you with something.” Arthur widened his eyes. It seemed he was trying to communicate something to Merlin. 

It took Merlin a minute to catch on. “Oh! Yes, that’s right.” He put down the seed packet. Arthur was supposed to help him write to his mother. “I’ll finish this later,” Merlin said to Lance.

“Okay.” Lance nodded. “You’re welcome to join us anytime you like, Arthur.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Spending the day in dirt, surrounded by bugs. No thanks.” He stalked off.

Even though Arthur’s pain was gone, Merlin noticed that he was getting more irritable lately, especially with Lance.

He followed Arthur upstairs. When he walked into Arthur’s room, Arthur was sitting at his desk. Merlin sat down next to him. He sighed. “I really wish my mother understood Latin.” Merlin was becoming proficient at that.

“Well, you can’t. I’m sorry you have to spend time with me.” Arthur snapped at him. 

Merlin put his hand on top of Arthur’s. “Are you angry with me?”

Arthur blew out a breath. “No. I’m sorry. I just hate not spending every minute with you.”

Merlin grinned and kissed Arthur’s cheek. “I miss you, too.”

After sharing another quick kiss, they got to work on the letter. Merlin wanted to know how his mother was. He asked how Mordred was doing. He said that he missed her and couldn’t wait to see her.

Merlin leaned forward on the desk and stared at Arthur. “Can you please write that I’m really happy that I came here to Camelot? I’ve finally found a place that I belong and I don’t feel scared.”

Arthur paused writing and stroked his hand down Merlin’s cheek. 

“I’ve met someone who has changed my life and I love him. I know you’ll love him too when you meet.”

Arthur put the pen down. “Do you really think she will?”

Merlin smiled. “There is no doubt in my mind. You make me happy and that’s all she cares about.”

It didn’t seem to reassure Arthur the way he’d hoped. He gripped Arthur’s hand and pulled him onto his lap. Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin’s neck and buried his face there. Merlin returned the embrace.

 

~*~

 

Other than a few problems with irritability, Arthur had never felt better in years. Merlin’s healing magic worked wonders on his side effects and just being around Merlin, in general, was good for his mental health. 

After being off his meds for two weeks now, he wondered why he didn’t stop taking them sooner. He didn’t regret the decision because nothing catastrophic had happened. There were no voices, no delusions, no otherwise, troubling behavior. 

As he’s lying in bed with Merlin, their limbs tangled together, the last thing he wanted to do was get up. He heard his phone chime and reached for it with a quickness he didn’t know he was capable of. He turned down the volume. The display showed that Arthur had a meeting with Dr. Scott in two hours. Arthur put his phone down. He decided against going. There really wasn’t a need anymore. He wasn’t going to allow the man to stuff any more drugs down his throat.

Slipping out of bed, Arthur did go and grab his journal to start writing. Lately, his sister had been in his thoughts and he wrote some about missing her and some of the hijinks they would get into as kids.

He only jumped slightly when he felt Merlin’s arms around his neck. “What are you writing about?”

Arthur paused. Normally, Arthur would keep this to himself, but it was about time he told Merlin about her. “I was writing about my sister, Morgana. I haven’t told you much about her, have I?”

Merlin shook his head. He knelt by Arthur’s feet and held Arthur’s hands. 

“She was really fun and funny and stubborn and strong. We got on surprisingly well. We bickered constantly but I knew that I could trust her and she knew she could confide in me as well.” Arthur ran his hand over the open notebook. “I was the only one who could make her smile when she was in the hospital. I could feel it -” Arthur felt his throat clogging with emotion. “I could feel it when she died.”

Merlin gripped his hand. “I felt the same when my father died.”

Staring into Merlin’s eyes, Arthur knew that he truly understood. Merlin never looked down on him and it warmed Arthur’s heart. Arthur peered down at his lap. “Merlin, did you ever think that you heard your father speaking to you - after he died?”

Merlin pursed his lips for a moment and then finally shook his head. “But my friend Will said that sometimes he would hear his father’s voice. He said it was like his conscience speaking to him and it was something that helped him make decisions.”

“That’s sort of what it was like for me. After my parents died, I heard Morgana’s voice and she would talk to me and tell me things.”

Merlin rubbed one hand up and down Arthur’s thigh. “What kind of things?”

Arthur swallowed thickly. “She would tell me that I was King Arthur.”

“From those old legends?”

Arthur was pleased that Merlin seemed curious, but not freaked out. Arthur nodded. “She told me how brave I was and strong and healthy and I believed it. It’s what I wanted to be.”

Merlin got up and put his arms around Arthur’s neck. “That makes sense.”

“You know there’s one thing I used to miss the most about Morgana’s stories,” Arthur explained as he picked up his journal.

“What’s that?” Merlin stepped back and gazed down at him.

Arthur flipped through his journal. He handed it to Merlin. “Read it.”

With a quizzical look, Merlin took it. “‘I was the king and yet somehow around him I became the one that needed protection and he was always there for me. The skinny, clumsy, big-eared…” Merlin stopped and stared at Arthur.

Arthur just picked at an invisible spot on his sweatpants.

“‘The big-eared boy was somehow the most powerful person I’d ever known. And he was my friend and my savior.’” Merlin finished. He stared down at the notebook. “Did this savior have a name?”

Arthur shook his head. “Morgana never said but I always pictured him and...when I met you it was like you’d sprang from my mind.” Arthur let out a dry chuckle. “I almost couldn’t believe you were real.”

“But I am.” Merlin crouched down again. “You realize that I’m real and this,” he tapped his fingers against the notebook, “isn’t? Right?”

“I know,” Arthur whispered. He grinned at Merlin. “I like to think that the reason I pictured you in my head is because we were destined to meet.”

“I think you’re right.” Merlin kissed his hands.

Arthur frowned. “I really wish you could have met my sister. You and her are the only people in my life that have ever truly understood me. Not like-” He cut off and shook his head.

“Like who?”

“Like Lance.” Arthur shrugged. “He’s never understood me and I don’t think he ever will.”

Merlin ran a hand through his hair. “You know Lance is really trying. He’s been a great brother to you.”

Arthur sighed. “I know. I just get so frustrated with him.” He groaned. He thought back on the progress he and Lance had made recently. “But I know that he loves me and I love him.”

Merlin stood up and kissed Arthur’s forehead. He handed the journal back to him. “You should try telling him that.” Merlin went back to bed.

Arthur pondered that as he looked down at his journal.

 

~*~

 

Lance hovered around the entrance to the Lionheart diner. He knew he should just go in - he thought he should have called, but he assumed Gwen would hang up on him. Every time he reached the handle to the door, his stomach churned. 

The fifth time he attempted to reach for the door handle, the door flew open and smacked Lance on the hand. “Bugger!” He yelled.

“Oh, gosh, I’m sorry.”

Lance recognized Gwen’s voice and stood up straighter. The wind kept whipping his hair around and he had to brush it out of his face.

When Gwen saw him, she froze. “Lance! What are you doing here? I haven’t heard from you in a couple of weeks. I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore.”

“That’s not it at all. I thought you didn’t want to hear from me. I got too scared to call you. I’m sorry.”

Gwen hugged her arms to her chest. “I could have reached out as well.”

A customer stepped out of the door and walked in between them. Gwen jerked her head to the side. “I’m heading home.”

Lance followed Gwen to the parking lot. “Gwen, I would just like to say that I was being a huge git when I accused you of giving up on your dream too soon. I also should have never pushed you about your book.”

“Thank you for the apology. I think I might have overreacted a bit as well. I think you actually had a point about my story. So, I showed it to a friend of mine and she’s giving me notes on it. Just a small step, but…” She trailed off.

Lance shook his head. “No, that’s excellent news. I’m really happy for you.” He blew out a breath. “I really like you, Gwen.”

“I like you, too.” 

Lance stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I just don’t know if it would be wise to start again.”

Gwen stumbled. “Really?”

“I never really dated before because I needed to focus all of my energy on Arthur. And maybe that was for the best. Look what happened with us.”

Gwen pinched the bridge of her nose.”How can you be such a smart, funny, amazing man and such an arse at the same time?”

Lance’s eyes widened. He didn’t expect that.

“You got angry at me for using Arthur in our argument and accused me of being too scared to put my novel out there and now you’re doing the same thing. Don’t use Arthur as an excuse for what happened between us. If you’re too scared to be in a relationship than admit it. Don’t blame Arthur. He’s not the one stopping you from having your own life.”

Lance closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He really thought he and Gwen had been making progress, but he blew that.

Just then, he felt his phone vibrate against his thigh. He fished it out and saw that Gaius was calling. “Just one second.”

“Don’t bother. I don’t think we need it.” Gwen stalked off to her car.

Lance groaned. He then picked up the call. “What is it, Gaius?” Lance snapped. 

“Arthur missed his session this morning.”

Lance winced. He did not need this today. “I don’t know what happened. It’s possible he overslept. It’s my fault. I should have told Merlin about the appointment.”

“From what I hear Merlin has been wonderful with Arthur, but Arthur is not his responsibility. It is your job to make sure Arthur keeps up with his medication and his appointments,” Gaius reprimanded him.

“I know what my job is but I can’t be with Arthur twenty-four hours a day,” Lance grit out.

Gaius sighed. “I understand that. And from what Arthur has told me you have started a new relationship with a wonderful woman.”

Lance was surprised Arthur told him about that.

“I am thrilled about that,” Gaius continued. “I’ve always wanted you to have your own life. It’s why I have suggested the group home.”

Lance growled at the mention of the group home. “You need to stop bringing that up! I am my brother’s only family and he needs me. He’s staying with me!” Without waiting for a response, he hung up. Immediately he called Arthur, but he didn’t pick up.

Lance headed home. As soon as he got there he sought Arthur out. Arthur and Merlin were in the kitchen watching the dishwasher. Arthur looked over his shoulder at home. “Merlin’s making crab.”

Even if they explained that Lance knew he would never understand how that was possible with the dishwasher. He turned his gaze to Arthur. “Why didn’t you go to your session with Gaius?”

Arthur shrugged. “I didn’t think it was necessary.”

Lance gaped at him. “You didn’t think it was necessary? You have those sessions so you can talk through any problems and work on them. He can’t help if you’re not there.”

“I don’t need any help!” Arthur spit out. “And, frankly, Dr. Scott never helped me very much. Now, unless you plan on kidnapping me and dragging me to those sessions, I don’t want to hear about it!” He started to storm off. 

Lance grabbed his arm. Arthur ripped it away and whirled around. “Arthur, I have to ask. Are you taking your medication?

Arthur’s mouth fell open and he shook his head. “You are unbelievable!” He backed away while looking at Merlin. “Are you coming, Merlin?” 

Merlin threw Lance an apologetic look. He turned off the dishwasher and then followed Arthur.

Well, this day was a bust. Maybe he should go to the office and see who could yell at him there.

Merlin was really starting to become concerned. Arthur’s irritability lately was at an all-time high. When he wasn’t snapping at either him or Lance, he was asking Merlin to perform the healing spell several times a day. 

Merlin tried to ask Kilgharrah about the effects of too much magic on a person, but he didn’t really have anything specific to say, except for dire warnings. 

There were other issues as well. Arthur wasn’t sleeping very well. Merlin would sneak into Arthur’s bedroom so they could sleep together. They never had sex when Lance was there, but they both admitted to sleeping better next to each other - until now. Also, Merlin had found Arthur staring into space more often without seeming to know what he was doing when Merlin asked him about it.

After Arthur snapped at Lance, Merlin got Arthur to calm down and Arthur decided to lie down for a nap. Merlin stayed with him, stroking his hand through his hair. When he was sure Arthur was asleep he carefully got him and left the room.

He thought he might find Lance in the garden, but he wasn’t there or anywhere else downstairs. Merlin climbed up the stairs and knocked on Lance’s door.

“Come in,” Lance called out.

Merlin opened the door and walked in without saying a word. He closed the door behind him. Lance was sitting on the floor in front of his bed. Merlin wrung his hands. “I’m so sorry for the way Arthur was downstairs.”

Lance waved him off. “I’m used to it though I admit I am a little worried. I’ll have to talk with Dr. Scott and talk about whether his meds need to be adjusted or if we try a new drug regimen.”

Merlin rubbed his forehead. He knew Arthur would hate that. He walked further inside and sat by Lance. Finally, after gathering his thoughts he turned to Lance. “How bad has it ever gotten with Arthur? I’ve seen scars on his wrist, so I know he’s tried to hurt himself-”

“He didn’t try to hurt himself,” Lance interrupted. “He tried to kill himself.”

Merlin shut his eyes tightly. 

“He had just been diagnosed as schizophrenic and they started him on new medication. He started living with me, but he wasn’t communicating at all. He just stayed in his room all day. I thought I needed to give him space.” Lance let out a shuddering breath. “I shouldn’t have. Arthur was depressed because when the medication started working he couldn’t hear his sister Morgana’s voice anymore. It got so bad that he attempted suicide. And then…”

Just hearing about that put a pit in Merlin’s stomach. He couldn’t believe there was more.

“He got better after that after he was hospitalized. But he got so much better he didn’t think he needed to take his pills anymore. I didn’t notice.” Lance beat his head against the bed. “He accused me of plotting against me and he attacked me. He threw things at me and held up a knife to keep me away from him.”

Merlin leaned over and hugged his legs to his chest. Poor Arthur. Poor Lance. He worried that he had gotten this all wrong.

When Merlin went back to Arthur’s room, Arthur was sitting up in bed staring at the walls. Merlin cautiously stepped forward. “Arthur?” He didn’t respond. “Arthur?!”

Arthur jerked his head up and stared at Merlin with wide eyes. “I didn’t hear you.”

Merlin crossed to the bed and sat down. He grasped Arthur’s shoulders. “Are you okay?”

“Where were you?” Arthur’s eyes darted around and searched Merlin’s face.

“I went to speak with Lance.”

This seemed to agitate Arthur further. He started panting. “I think Lance might want to turn you against me.”

“What?” Merlin said, completely flabbergasted. “Why would you think that?”

Arthur sat back and ran his hands through his hair. He shook his head.

“Lance loves you.” Merlin tried to get Arthur to look him in the eyes, but he avoided his gaze.

“You’re not acting right.” The pit in Merlin’s stomach grew. He suddenly stood up and ran over to Arthur’s desk. He opened the white pill box on his desk. All the proper pills seemed to be gone, but Merlin wasn’t sure that meant anything. 

When he turned around, Arthur was behind him watching him with a fearful look. 

“Are you taking your medication, Arthur?”

Arthur stared at the floor. “I’m not going to lie to you. I have stopped taking them.”

“Oh, my God,” Merlin mumbled. He put his face in his hands. 

Arthur raced over to him. “It’s all right. It’s nothing to be concerned over. I don’t need the medication. I’m not depressed. I have you.” 

Merlin slid his hands down his face.

“I have you,” Arthur repeated. “That’s all I need.”

Merlin wished he could believe that. “But it’s not. Arthur, you’re behaving so erratically.”

“That’s because I - and I will admit this was a mistake - I stopped taking them full out. I should have tapered them off gradually. I’m going through drug withdrawal. That’s all.”

Merlin blew out a breath. It seemed like a plausible explanation, but he was still worried. “Then we should tell Lance and -”

“No!” Arthur flung his arms around Merlin’s neck and held him so tight Merlin thought he might have bruises later. “I just need a little more time and I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. Please trust me, Merlin! Please! I need you to trust me!” Arthur pulled back. “You believe me, right?”

“I…” His blue eyes were filled with such fear and he sounded so desperate. He knew this meant the world to Arthur to have Merlin believe in him. Even though his gut was telling him this might be a bad idea, he nodded. “I believe you.”


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning was tense. 

Merlin had slept with his arms tightly around Arthur all night. Normally, it would have left Arthur feeling completely safe, but he couldn’t sleep at all. He couldn’t think about what Lance might do to split them apart. Despite what Merlin said yesterday, Arthur couldn’t shake the feeling he couldn’t trust his brother.

Now, they were seated at the kitchen table trying to eat breakfast and not all choke on the awkward silence.

Finally, Lance was the first to break it. He cleared his throat. “I have some good news.”

“You reconciled with Gwen,” Merlin suggested with a hopeful glance.

Lance frowned. “No. I think that’s over.” He clapped his hands together. “The good news is about you, Merlin.”

Arthur slowly looked up. 

“Me?” Merlin pointed to himself. “What could that be?”

“Well, I told you I wanted to do something to pay you back for all of your help here,” Lance explained.

“And I told you it wasn’t necessary.” Merlin jumped in.

Lance smiled. “I wasn’t sure how I could help but then I talked to my last client, Vivian. She's an actress and I told her I knew someone who was very talented and had great abilities.”

Merlin’s face sagged. “You didn’t tell her about my magic, did you?” 

“No, I wouldn’t do that. I just told her how you were able to entertain a crowd with sleight of hand. She said that she has a producer friend who is developing a program for children featuring someone with magical talents. So, I asked her if she could set up an audition for you and she has.”

When Arthur turned to Merlin he didn’t look over the moon, but certainly not as horrified as Arthur felt. “That was a bit presumptuous of you, Lance,” Arthur said.

Lance’s smile fell. “I was just trying to help.” He glanced at Merlin. “What do you think, Merlin?”

“Uh…” Merlin scratched his chin and looked like he was searching for something to say.

Arthur knew Merlin was too nice to call Lance out like he should. Arthur knew his brother would be up to something. 

Finally, Merlin spoke up. “I suppose it depends on when the audition is and what the job would entail.”

Lance rested his arms against the table. “The audition is next week, Monday. The audition would be in London. They’re holding auditions all over the world. Vivian said when they pick who it is they’d like, the lucky person would sign a contract and they would start filming in Canada.”

“Canada?!” Arthur shouted.

Lance winced. “Yes. And I know that will difficult, but it’s an amazing opportunity.”

Arthur huffed. “He’s not going anywhere.”

Lance looked at Arthur and sighed. “I’m sorry that this could potentially be difficult for you. But don’t you want what’s best for him?”

Arthur pushed his chair back and it scraped against the floor. “Don’t make me seem like the bad guy here. I want what’s best for Merlin more than you do. You’re not doing this to help. You want to keep Merlin away from me.”

Merlin reached for Arthur’s hand. “It’s okay, Arthur. Calm down.”

“Why would I want to keep you two apart?” Lance sounded lost. “Merlin has been amazing to you and to me. I don’t want him to move.”

“Good because he’s not going to. I won’t allow it.” Arthur crossed his arms in front of his chest. 

“I know it’s going to be difficult to lose such a good friend -”

“Bloody hell!” Arthur shoved his hands in his hair. “How obtuse are you, Lance? Merlin isn’t just my friend. We’re together.”

Lance’s head snapped back. He looked between Merlin and Arthur. Merlin didn’t say anything but he nodded to confirm what Arthur had said.

“Together? Like…” Lance gestured with hand vaguely.

“Yes, yes. Like…” Arthur repeated Lance’s vague gesture.

Lance stood up and he turned a dark glare to Merlin. “How could you?”

“It was very easy...and quite nice. I know it’s been ages for you but I don’t need to remind you of that, do I?” Arthur said relishing making his brother squirm.

After sparing a brief glance in Arthur’s direction, Lance stared down Merlin. “I let you into my home and you take advantage of my brother?”

Merlin jumped up. “That’s not how it happened. I care for Arthur.” He shook his head. “I love him.”

Lance scoffed.

That incensed Arthur further. “Why is that so hard to believe. He loves me and I love him. He helps me far better than you ever did. He used his magic to take away my pain and I don’t need my pills anymore.”

Arthur watched his brother’s face turn red. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen him so angry. “You stopped taking your meds?”

Arthur didn’t answer him.

Lance jerked his head toward Merlin. “And you let him?”

Merlin hung his head and he sounded wrecked when he spoke again. “I didn’t know until yesterday. But Arthur promises it’s going to be okay.”

The only sound that can be heard now is Lance’s heavy breathing and Merlin’s sniffling. Suddenly, Lance launched forward and grabbed Merlin by the collar of his white button-down shirt. He started to drag Merlin away. 

Arthur ran after them. “Lance, stop! Stop it!”

Merlin pleaded with him. “Lance, please!”

Lance ignored them both. He opened the front door and tossed Merlin outside. For good measure, he picked up Merlin’s discarded hat and threw it at him and then slammed the door.

Arthur held his head in his hands and couldn’t believe what had just happened. The cruelty that Lance showed Merlin was too much. Arthur jerked his head up and ran for the door. Lance blocked his path. 

Arthur balled his hands into fists. “Get out of my way!”

“You’re not going anywhere with him!” Lance shook his head.

Merlin banged on the door. “Lance, you don’t understand! Let me in!”

“You leave my home or I’ll call the police!” When Merlin didn’t make any more noise, he sighed. “I’m so sorry I let this happen.”

“Sorry? Sorry for what? What you should be sorry for is throwing out the man that I love.”

“Stop saying that!” Lance ran his hand down his face.

“Why?” Arthur said with contempt in his voice. “Does it bother you that your brother is in love with a man?”

“What?” Lance’s eyes bulged. “I don’t care about that.”

Arthur let out a pithy laugh. “Right. Because the great and perfect Lancelot couldn’t be a homophobic pillock, just a self-righteous one!”

“I know you think I’m being unfair, but I’m looking out for you. You don’t have enough experience to know about love.” Lance said in such a condescending way Arthur wanted to kick him in the balls.

“Sod off, Lance! Now get out of my way! You may be my guardian, but I am not your prisoner.” Arthur was prepared to charge forward if need be. “Stop trying to keep me here against my will!”

Lance growled. It startled Arthur. “I am so sick of you pretending that this wasn’t your idea. You made me your guardian because you knew that when things got tough I would look out for you because I love you.”

“You don’t have a clue!” Arthur snarled. “I asked you to be my guardian because in a choice between you and Agravaine I thought you were the lesser of two evils.” He stepped back and looked Lance up and down. “Now I see that you’re worse.”

Lance deflated. He looked like Arthur had just ripped out his heart. “That is not true.”

“Yes, it is,” Arthur said coldly. “Agravaine might have been a greedy bastard, but at least I can somewhat respect that. But you,” he pointed at Lance. “You need me to be sick. It makes your _pathetic_ lonely life seem so much better because that is the only way you come out on top when it comes to you and me. Mother knew it.”

Lance looked green. Arthur wanted to twist the knife further. “She chose to keep me when she gave you up. She never loved you.”

It took Lance a long time to form words. His mouth kept opening and closing. There were tears in his eyes. “She loved me. You even said it yourself. She sang a song for me because she wanted me to know I was loved.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “You believed that soppy story? I just made it up to make you feel better.”

Lance shook his head. “You’re lying now because you’re angry.”

“Believe what you want.”

Lance sucked in a breath and wiped at his eyes. “I’m not going to let you use Mother against me.”

“The way you use her against me? Telling me she was sick, too.”

Lance stalked forward. The intense look in his eye scared Arthur, but he refused to back down. “I told you about her illness because I thought it would help. I thought it would inspire you to hope for a better life, but you can’t seem to do that. You’re nothing like her.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes.

“She fought every step of the way to get better. She gave me up because she wanted to protect me. She even died trying to fight her disease.” Lance panted, then Arthur could see panic set in his eyes.

“What are you talking about? Mother and my Father died in a car accident. It had nothing to do with her illness.”

Lance threw his head back and stared up at the ceiling. “It was connected to her being sick. Agravaine told me a long time ago. Mother was starting to get worse again. She was desperate and worried what she could do, so she had Uther take her to the hospital as soon as possible. That’s when they had their accident.”

A stunned Arthur turned around and stumbled into the family room. He couldn’t believe Lance kept that from him. Actually, he could. It just confirmed that Lance was a liar.

Lance followed him. “I’m sorry for not telling you. I just...You already think of your illness so negatively. I didn’t want you thinking that Mother died because she was sick. I didn’t want you thinking getting help lead to anything bad.”

Arthur swiftly turned around. “But it does. She died. Father died. You’ve been stuffing pills down my throat for years and all it’s done is made me feel dead inside. And now you’ve thrown out the one person in this world that cares about me.”

“That’s not true, Arthur. I love you.”

“You have an odd way of showing it.”

Lance rubbed at his eyes and let out unsteady breaths. “I’ve given up everything for you, Arthur.” He glared at his brother. “You begged me to not abandon you and I never have. I gave up school. I gave up a career. I gave up any chance of a love life. I quit my job and I stayed with you for five years to make sure you got better. I don’t know how much else I’m supposed to give up to show you that I love you.” His voice got angrier and angrier as he spoke.

Even though he was still upset, Arthur couldn’t help but be somewhat affected by Lance’s words. He swallowed down any empathy he felt for his brother and focused on his anger. “You resent me, don’t you?”

Lance was shaking, but he didn’t respond.

“That’s fine. I begged you not to abandon me, now I am begging you to let me be. Go on and live your own life.” 

To Arthur’s surprise, Lance stalked out of the room. He went to the study and pulled something out of the drawer. He marched back into the room with a deadly serious expression. He shoved a brochure in Arthur’s hand. “If I let you go that is where you’re going.”

Arthur looked down at it. There was a picture of a lake on the front with the name Albion Group Home in blue. Arthur whipped his head up. “You want to send me there?”

“I don’t.” Lance sighed. “Gaius wants this. He’s been asking me over and over and I’ve said no. But if you refuse to take your medication Arthur there’s nothing else I can do.”

As if it burned him, Arthur threw the brochure down. He stared daggers at his brother. He looked at him now and all he could see was evil, someone who would never help him and insisted on keeping him as low as possible. “Instead of giving me my freedom you want to lock me up with a bunch of crazy people?!”

“It’s not like that,” Lance tried to explain.

Arthur jabbed his finger in Lance’s direction. “I hate you!”

He ran off and slammed his room door closed. When he remembered that there was no lock, he kicked the door repeatedly. He put his head in his hands.

_You can’t let him get away with this. He’s trying to destroy you. You’re a king, Arthur. You have to fight for Merlin._

It was Morgana’s voice. It had been so long since he’d heard it. He wasn’t sure if he should be happy or worried.

 

~*~

 

Arthur wouldn’t come out of his room. Lance knew it was stupid to expect him to. He knocked at Arthur’s door and Arthur told him to fuck off. Lance knew he deserved it. If Arthur forgave him at all, it would have been the shock of his life. And that was saying something.

Lance picked up his phone and he thought about calling Gwaine, Leon, or Percival but he didn’t want to bother them. Then his finger lingered over Gwen’s number, but he couldn’t do that. So, he decided to get drunk. But, of course, they had no alcohol in the house.

He drove to Albion Square and picked up two bottles of whiskey. When he sat down in his car, he didn’t even bother to wait. He opened them and started drinking straight from the bottle. A half hour later, he wasn’t too drunk to know that he shouldn’t be driving. He stumbled out of his car.

After walking - more like tripping over his feet every step of the way - he found himself by the Lionheart diner. When he looked through the main window, he saw Gwen at the counter. She seemed to be alone. Before he could stop himself, he drummed his fingers against the glass. 

For a second, she looked confused but then saw Lance. Her confusion turned into one of ambivalence.

Lance grinned at her. 

Slowly, she walked to the door. Lance went over there. When Gwen opened it, Lance bumped into her as he tried to keep his balance. She took one look at his face and sighed. “You’re drunk, aren’t you?”

Lance tried to shake his head, but couldn’t pull it off. “After having an entire bottle of whiskey I would say that I’m smashed...to bits.” He chuckled.

Gwen helped him inside. When she went to close the door, Lance glanced around. He decided the best place to sit was the floor. Gwen came and stood over him. He looked up at her. “You were right before. I am an arse.”

Frowning, Gwen sat in the booth right in front of him.

“I’m also an eject failure.” Lane scrunched up his nose. “Object...ab...I’m even a fucking failure at completing sentences now.”

“What happened?” Gwen asked with more patience than he deserved. 

“Arthur and Merlin have been screwing all over my house apparently, without my knowing.” He blew out a breath.

“I can’t say I’m surprised.” When Lance frowned, Gwen rolled her eyes. “All you had to do was look at them, the way they looked at each other. They’re in love.”

“How can Arthur know what love is?” Lance pointed to himself. “I don’t even think I know.”

Gwen bit her lip and didn’t seem like she wanted to argue that point. 

“All I wanted to do was help my brother. I did my research and I listened to the doctors. I thought if I tried hard enough and was there for Arthur I could see him through this eventually. But I can’t be his hero. I don’t think I can help him through this anymore.” He pushed his knees up and rested his chin on them. “Arthur asked me if I resented him.” He locked eyes with Gwen. “God help me, I do. I resent that he had a mother who loved him; a mother that did anything to be with him.”

He felt tears welling in his eyes and did nothing to keep the emotion at bay. He was too tired. “But none of this is his fault. The illness isn’t his fault. The way he handles it isn’t his fault - not entirely.” Lance sighed. “It’s my fault. As much as I say I’m doing this to help Arthur - and I am - I’m doing this for me, too. My father died when I was twelve, my mother and stepfather, not long after that. I abandoned him to go to school after that because I partially didn’t know how to be part of a real family. But after all these years with Arthur...while, it’s been frustrating, annoying, sad, confusing, and lonely...it’s the first real family I’ve had in a really long time. I say that I’m all Arthur has, but he’s all I have. I don’t know how to let go.” 

Gwen got up and sat next to him. 

“Isn’t that the most selfish thing you’ve ever heard?” Lance buried his face between his knees.

“No. Maybe the most human.” She put a hand on his back and massaged it. 

Lance gazed up at her. “I let my brother done. I let my brother down. I don’t know how to fix it. I just...I don’t want to have to be the one that takes care of everyone. Just once I want someone to take care of me.”

Groggily, he sat up and the room started spinning. He fell back on the floor. The last thing he felt before he closed his eyes was Gwen running a hand through his hair.

 

~*~

 

Merlin waited across the street. While he could understand Lance’s unhappiness with him, Merlin couldn’t leave. He knew Arthur would be worried sick about him and he needed to see how Arthur was doing.

When Lance left, Merlin waited a couple of minutes and then walked in with his key. When he got just outside Arthur’s door, he heard Arthur talking to himself. He heard his name mentioned. Merlin worried about him. He couldn’t help but feel like he’d let Arthur down.

For a second, Merlin put that out of his mind. As soon as he walked into the room, Arthur looked up. When he saw it was Merlin he ran to him and they embraced.

“I didn’t know if I’d see you again,” Arthur cried.

“Of course you would. You know I’d never give up on you.”

Arthur pulled back. “We need to leave here as soon as possible.”

Merlin blinked. “Leave? Where would we go?”

Arthur ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know, but if we don’t leave we can’t see each other.”

Arthur was talking so fast and Merlin wasn’t comprehending it all. “Because Lance doesn’t approve?”

“That’s putting it mildly.” Arthur spat. “He wants to institutionalize me!”

“What?” Merlin knew Lance was mad, but that sounded extreme and not like him. 

“He called it a group home, but I know what it really is.” Arthur sat down and rocked back and forth.

“I can’t believe Lance would do that to you.”

Arthur jumped up. “Are you saying you don’t believe me? Are you on his side?”

Merlin held up his hands. “No. I’m on your side of course.”

Arthur crossed to him and held on to his hands tightly. “I can’t go to a place like that. Not again. I’d rather die.”

When Merlin looked into Arthur’s eyes, he could see how terrified Arthur was and he knew that he meant it. But after making so many mistakes concerning Arthur, he didn’t want to make another one. He had to find a way to calm Arthur down. “Okay, Arthur. We can leave. I want you to meet my mother, so let’s do that.”

Arthur’s smile was shaky but still beautiful. “You want me to meet her.”

“Absolutely.” 

Arthur hugged him fiercely.

Hunith was such a calm and gentle person. Merlin hoped that if anyone could ease Arthur’s concerns it would be her.

 

~*~

 

Arthur kept fidgeting. He wanted to put his hands over his ears, but he knew how weird that would look to Merlin. He kept trying to block out her voice. 

Even though he thought he’d missed it but it was too distracting right now. He could barely think.

“We’re here,” Merlin announced.

Arthur looked at him with a blank look. He could barely remember how they’d got there...or even where “there” was.

“Are you nervous?” Merlin asked as he put his arm around Arthur.

Arthur opened his mouth to respond and then completely blanked and forgot what Merlin asked. “What?”

Merlin just smiled at him, but Arthur could see how worried he was.

_Look at that hovel! No place for a king._

“Shut up, Morgana! Shut up!” Arthur muttered.

They’re standing at the front door and Merlin looked at him out of the corner of his eye. 

Arthur ran his hands through his hair. He took a deep breath.

When the door finally opened, Merlin’s mother comes out on the porch. She’s a plain looking woman but with very kind eyes - like Merlin’s. Her brown hair is in a messy bun and she has a white apron on.

She and Merlin embrace and Arthur watched them, missing his mother terribly.

When Hunith looked at him, Arthur tried to smile. “Hello, Arthur.”

Arthur opened his mouth to speak.

_She’s very unimpressive._

Closing his eyes, Arthur felt like screaming.

 

~*~

 

Staying at Gwen’s place was a bad idea, though Lance was so drunk he was really in no shape to refuse. But once he woke up in the morning, he was instantly aware that he’d left Arthur - a very angry Arthur - alone all night. Though his head was pounding, Lance sprang up from Gwen’s couch and quickly put on his shoes.

“Morning,” Gwen said. She was in the kitchen making breakfast. She looked cute in a purple tank top and purple sleep pants with brown bunnies on them.

Even though he wanted to leave as soon as possible, he couldn’t be rude to her again, and he really did appreciate her hospitality, so he stayed.

“Good morning.” Lance sat down at the bar beside her kitchen. She set a plate down in front of him.

“Do you need any aspirin?” Lance shook his head - then regretted it. “I usually let a headache run its course. It keeps me from getting drunk as often as I might like.”

Gwen nodded. “That sounds like you.” 

There was no malice in her voice, so Lance laughed. He tucked into his eggs right away. “I’m sorry for whatever I did last night. It’s a little hazy, but I know I said some embarrassing things.”

“It’s alright. Knowing everything that’s going on. I’m not surprised you lost it a bit.” Gwen leaned her elbows against the bar and got closer to Lance. “I know you might not want to hear this, but I think you should take it easy on Merlin. He’s a good kid.”

“I can’t think about that right now.” Lance took a drink of water. “I have to talk to Arthur and figure out what to do since he’s not taking his medication.

Gwen gasped. “You didn’t mention that part. I can understand why you’re concerned.”

“Thank you.”

Gwen stood up. “I’m going to get dressed and then I’ll take you home.”

Lance nodded. “Thanks again.”

The drive to his house was a little awkward. They didn’t talk about much - mostly listened to music. He couldn’t say by the end of the drive he was much of a Katy Perry fan.

“Thank you again,” Lance said as he stepped out of the car.

Gwen just smiled.

Lance wanted to say he’d call her but he didn’t think what happened last night changed things between them. So he just waved goodbye awkwardly. Then he turned and ran to the door.

“Arthur!” Lance called out as soon as he closed the door. He knew Arthur wouldn’t answer him. He bounded up to Arthur’s room. He gave a cursory knock and then walked in. When Arthur was nowhere to be found, Lance started to worry.

Lance searched the entire house. Panicking, he called Gaius as he headed out to drive around and see if he could find him. Gaius hadn’t heard from him. Lance hung up before he could ask questions.

This was the worst thing that could happen. Lance wracked his brain to think who Arthur could be with or where he could have gone. He stopped at Gwaine’s in desperation. 

Gwaine opened the door and looked instantly alarmed at the state Lance was in.

“Is Arthur here?” Lance asked as he walked in and started running around.

Gwaine tried to keep up with him. “No. What’s going on?”

“Arthur is missing.” The house wasn’t large and Lance was done in no time. He ran his hands through his hair and pulled at it roughly. “I don’t know where he could…” Finally, it hit him what probably happened. “Goddamn, Merlin!”

Gwaine’s forehead wrinkled. “Merlin? Why do you sound angry with him?”

“He kidnapped Arthur!” Lance said as he fished out his phone from his pocket.

“That’s crazy, Lance! Those two are totally gone for each other.”

Lance rolled his eyes. “Did everyone know about those two other than me?”

“Probably.” Gwaine shrugged. 

“I don’t care how in love those two think they are. Merlin knows about Arthur’s condition. He shouldn’t have run off with him. He’s an idiot.” Lance hung up and growled. Merlin wasn’t answering.

“I know you, Lance. You’re not mad at Merlin.” Gwaine stepped in front of Lance, who had started to pace.

“Yes, I am!” Lance shouted. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this but Cenred was probably right about him. I should have left him under that sink.” Lance groaned. He knew it was a horrible thing to say but he couldn’t help it. 

“Lance!” Gwaine looked horrified. “Mate, that doesn’t sound like you at all.”

Lance ignored Gwaine. He took out his phone and started to dial. “I’m calling the police.”

Gwaine ripped the cellphone out of Lance’s hand.

“What the hell are you doing?” Lance reached for it.

Gwaine was too fast for him and stepped away. He held up his hand to keep Lance from advancing on him. “You’re not thinking clearly. You don’t even know if Arthur is with Merlin.”

Lance knew. Arthur just had to be. The alternative was actually worse. He rubbed at his eyes. He couldn’t get his breathing under control. “I have to find him. I know you think I’m overprotective but Gwaine he’s not taking his meds. Merlin’s not going to know how to handle it. I’m petrified about what can happen.”

 

~*~

 

Merlin had never been so scared in his life. Arthur was not getting any better. Arthur kept trying to hide it, but Merlin could see him talking to himself. He seemed out of it half the time. Coming to Ealdor might not have been the greatest idea, but Merlin hoped that if he could get Arthur to sit and just calm down, things could settle down.

Desperately needing to talk to his mum, Merlin sat Arthur down in the living room. “I’ll be back soon. I promise.” He stroked his hand through Arthur’s hair and kissed the top of his head. 

When he walked into the kitchen, Merlin could see that Hunith was busy making tea. Merlin sat down at the small kitchen table. “Mum, I don’t know what to do.”

Hunith crossed to the table and held Merlin’s hand. “I can see that something isn’t right with Arthur. What is it?”

“I-I don’t know,” Merlin said in a small voice. “Arthur told me that he was just depressed, but Lance said that he’s schizophrenic. I didn’t believe him. Arthur just seemed…” He let out a shaky sigh. “He was like no one I’ve ever met. Mum, he’s funny and smart. Yes, he can be an arse, but he has such a sweet side to him. And he’s so protective.”

Hunith squeezed his hand. “Clearly, you love him very much.”

“I would do anything for him, Mum.” Merlin looked down and bit his lip. He wasn’t sure if his mother would like the next part. “I’ve been using my magic to help him.”

Hunith’s eyes widened. “Merlin!”

“I know! I know!” Merlin held up his hands. “But Mum you always said that I’d been given my gifts for a reason. When I was helping Arthur, I thought ‘This is it! I’ve finally found my purpose.’” He didn’t know he was crying until Hunith wiped away his tears.

“It doesn’t sound like you know what you’re doing anymore,” Hunith said in a gentle voice.

“I don’t,” Merlin whispered. “I think Arthur is schizophrenic.”

When Arthur walked into the room, Merlin almost gasped.

Arthur’s eyes went from Hunith to Merlin. His expression was cold. “What are you two talking about?”

“Uh, uh…” Merlin stammered.

Hunith stood up. “Merlin was just telling me how much he loves you.”

Arthur ‘s expression was blank. It was like he didn’t hear her. “People are talking about me. Plotting against me.”

Merlin got up and stood between Arthur and his mother. “No. No one is plotting against you.”

Arthur pressed his hands to his ears. “No, you’re wrong! He would never hurt me.”

Merlin took a step closer. Hunith gripped his arm. “Arthur, who are you talking to?”

“Morgana, stop saying that!” Arthur grunted. 

His voice sounded so different to Merlin. Everything about him was different. Merlin started trembling. He didn’t know how to reach Arthur. Merlin took in deep breaths. He had to remain calm. “Arthur, it’s me, Merlin.” He took another few steps toward him. It hurt him that Arthur looked at him as if he was a stranger.

“People want to hurt me,” Arthur whispered.

“No. I wouldn’t let that-” Merlin’s voice cracked. “I wouldn’t let that happen.” When he was in arm’s reach, he touched Arthur’s shoulders. 

When Arthur looked into his eyes, it seemed like he was starting to recognize him again. But then the front door slammed and Arthur stiffened. “Who’s that?” He stared at Merlin with wide eyes.

“I don’t know.” Merlin looked over his shoulder at his mother.

‘I think Mordred’s home,” Hunith replied in a shaky voice.

Before Merlin knew it, Arthur rushed past him. Merlin followed on his heels. When Arthur saw Mordred he froze. 

Mordred’s brow furrowed. “Who’s this?” He pointed at Arthur.

“You! You’re trying to take my crown, but you can’t,” Arthur cried.

“Did you bring another nutter home, Merlin?” Mordred said in a flippant tone.

“Shut it, Mordred!” Merlin glared at Mordred. When he turned back to Arthur he could see Arthur start to lunge after Mordred.

Mordred finally realized how serious things were and he backed away in fear.

“Arthur, no!” Merlin stepped in between them before Arthur could get to his brother.

“Out of my way!” Arthur threw out his hand and he didn’t seem to know his own strength when he pushed at Merlin’s shoulder. 

Merlin lost his footing and hit the back of his head against a mahogany table behind the couch.  
Though he didn’t lose consciousness Merlin got the wind knocked out of him and his head was throbbing.

“Merlin!” Hunith rushed to him.

His vision was blurred, but Merlin could see that Arthur had stopped and was rooted to the spot. 

“Merlin?” Arthur dropped to the floor. “I hurt you.” His voice sounded so small Merlin could barely hear him.

With his mother’s help, Merlin was able to stand up on his knees. He crawled to Arthur. Arthur was staring into the distance. “Arthur?” His eyes were vacant and he wasn’t blinking. Merlin’s chin started to quiver. “Arthur?” He cried.

Hunith pulled him up. “We need to take him to the hospital.”

Merlin barely registered what she said. When Hunith shook him, he was able to think more clearly. He wiped the back of his hand against his nose. “I need to call his brother.”

 

~*~

 

Lance strode through the hospital corridor. When he got the call from Merlin he wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. He was glad to not have to question where Arthur was, but to hear Merlin tell him that Arthur was in the hospital almost made his knees buckle.

Gwaine was nice enough to drive Lance all the way there. Lance ping-ponged between being sick with worry and sick with anger, sometimes feeling both at the same time. Byt the time they got to the tiny hospital in Ealdor, he was just angry.

As soon as he saw Merlin he wanted to strangle him. If it weren’t for Gwaine holding him back - and the doctors and nurses around he might have.

Merlin’s face is wet and his eyes are puffy. Lance knew he had been crying all night, but he was out of sympathy right now. “I’m so sorry.” He started. 

Lance ignored his sincere remorse. “How the bloody hell could you do this? Arthur is getting worse and you run away with him out of town?”

Merlin rubbed at his eyes. “We weren’t running away. Arthur was scared you were going to hospitalize him. He said he’d rather die! I wanted to get him away for just a little while to calm him down.”

Lance could understand that. When Arthur was in such a desperate state, he could imagine wanting to do anything to keep him calm. “You should have come to me.”

“I-I know.” Merlin threw up his hands. “I just - I didn’t know this was going to happen.”

“Of course you didn’t!” Lance roared. People started to stare, but he barely noticed. “But you thought you knew better. Just ignore that I’ve been through over ten years of this!”

Merlin’s face crumpled.

Lance got in his face. “You’re just lucky he didn't hurt anyone or kill himself.”

A woman Lance didn’t know, stepped up next to Merlin. She seemed to notice Lance’s quizzical look. “I’m Hunith. Merlin’s mum. Please, don’t be too hard on him. He knows that he made mistakes, but he loves Arthur.”

“I do! I would never hurt Arthur.” Merlin sniffed.

“But you did hurt him!” Lance shook his head. He looked at the ground and took a deep breath. It felt like Merlin had betrayed both him and Arthur. “You’re not the man I thought you were. I should have never taken you in.”

Merlin’s face hardened. With a rough swipe of his hands, he wiped away his tears. “I know I screwed up, but you need to take some responsibility, too.”

“I do?” Lance gaped at him. 

“You held on to Arthur too tight. You didn’t let him live. Of course, he was going to run away! You can’t keep locking him away and making him solely dependent on you! It’s not healthy!” 

Even though he could see the truth in Merlin’s statement, Lance bristled. “You don’t know anything! I want you to stay away from my brother. Do you understand?”

Merlin’s lips trembled, but he nodded. 

When Lance turned, Gwaine was looking at him with a disapproving expression. Lance held up his finger. “Not a word.”

He walked away and took out his phone to call Gaius and make arrangements for his brother to go back to Camelot.

 

~*~

 

Merlin walked into the diner and sat down at the front counter. He buried his head in his hands. It had been days since Arthur had been hospitalized and Lance still wasn’t allowing him to visit Arthur. Merlin felt completely hollowed out and like he was going through the motions lately.

Hunith had said he should stay in Ealdor, but despite Lance’s request, Merlin had to go back to Camelot and be as close to Arthur as possible. He had to believe that Arthur would wake up and someday Lance would see sense. There was still hope and Merlin would never give up.

Merlin is startled when hands cover his own. When he looked up and saw Gwen, he almost broke down in sobs. He grabbed her hands. “I know that this is a long shot, but is there any way that you can speak to Lance and put in a good word for me?”

Gwen looked so conflicted. “I would love to Merlin, but I don’t think Lance would listen to me.”

Merlin bit back a sob. 

“Hey.” Gwen ran a hand through his hair. “Lance is a good man. He will see reason. I believe that.”

Merlin tugged at his hair. “I really hope so.” He groaned. “Gwen, I was so stupid! When Arthur told me his stopped taking his pills, I should have said something to Lance. I was just trying to be there for Arthur, but I didn’t know what I was doing.” He sighed. “It’s not just that I love Arthur. I understand him. I understand what it’s like to be different and feel like no one can see you and no one is listening. I put what I was feeling on Arthur and I didn’t see how different it really was.”

Gwen leaned in closer. “It’s good that you know that. You made a mistake, Merlin but you have a good heart and you and Arthur truly love each other. I know that you can find a way to make things right.”

Merlin smiled at her, but it took a lot of effort and barely covered his face. He ached to get that chance, but he would have to be patient a little longer.

 

~*~

 

Lance sat at his brother’s bedside and he stared at Arthur. He kept trying to will him to wake up, but days later and there was no change. Arthur laid there, only blinking sometimes, mostly staring ahead with dead eyes. 

Gaius said if Arthur didn’t show signs of improvement soon he could be hospitalized for months. Even though this had happened before something about this time felt different. Lance couldn’t reach him.

Lance bent forward and cupped Arthur’s hand between his. ‘Merlin was right. I held on to tightly and I didn’t listen to you. I’m so sorry, Arthur. I know I say that all the time,” Lance chuckled and sniffled. “But I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. Just wake up and yell at me, I don’t care.”

Arthur just blinked.

Lance dropped his head on top of his hands. “I’ve spent so much time trying to make up for what happened before. I tried to make up for what I feared I caused with mother’s illness - and yours. I tried to make up for leaving you when I went to school. I tried to make up for the way we grew up. But I can’t do that anymore.” He looked up at Arthur. “I have stop living in the past. Something needs to change so you - so we both - can have a better future.

After kissing Arthur’s hand and setting it down on the bed he got up and he walked to Gaius’ office. Gaius saw him through the glass and gestured with his head for Lance to come in. Swallowing thickly, Lance walked in and sat in front of Gaius’ desk. He can barely look at him. “Did I do this?” Lance blurted out.

Gaius sighed deeply and sat forward. “I don’t believe this only lays at your feet, but I’m sorry Lance, I do believe you share some culpability. I do as well. I should have explained the benefits of the group home better. I should have listened to both you and Arthur more. We all made mistakes.”

Lance nodded and sighed. “I want to stop making them. I would like to visit the group home.”

“I can arrange that.” Gaius stood up and squeezed Lance’s shoulder.

Later that afternoon, Lance visited Albion Group Home. It wasn’t the nightmare asylum he imagined it to be. There were a few people there that were in bad shape. Like Arthur, they had checked out of the world and it was a struggle to reach them. But the majority there seemed to be thriving. 

There were so many happy people there. They looked well taken care of and seemed like they were enjoying their lives. They were able to live full lives. Lance felt a swell of guilt that he had deprived Arthur of a place like that. When Arthur woke up, Lance would explain the benefits and they could go from there, but it would be Arthur’s decision.

 

~*~

 

The next day, Merlin was shocked to receive a call from Lance. They met at the Lionheart. Gwen wasn’t there. They sat down at a booth in the back. For a brief moment, Merlin flashed back to taking Arthur there.

Lance set his hands on the top of the table and clasped them together. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts. “What you did was wrong Merlin?”

Merlin held back a groan. He really hoped Lance hadn’t invited him there to give him another lecture. He licked his lips. “I know. I wish I could take it back.”

“I know. Because you are a good man, Merlin and I do believe that you care about my brother.” Lance gulped. “You were right about what you said - about me holding on too tight. I know that I can’t be Arthur’s whole world anymore. I don’t want to keep him away from someone who loves him. He needs you.”

Merlin didn’t know what to say so he just put his hands over Lance’s. They shared a warm smile. 

Lance took Merlin to see Arthur at the hospital. Merlin had to steady himself before he walked into the room. He’d seen Arthur in a hospital bed before. He’d seen him catatonic, but he knew it still was going to hurt.

And he was right. As soon as he walked into the room, he wanted to start crying. He clenched his fists and took a deep breath. He walked over and sat by Arthur’s bed. Merlin didn’t know what to do with his hands and he eventually crossed his arms over his chest. “I know you like to sleep late Arthur but this is ridiculous.” He tried to laugh but it got stuck in his throat. He bit his lip. “I look you, even like this, and all I see is the man that I love. I don’t see a crazy person. I don’t see your illness. I think that’s a good thing.” He rubbed his shoulder. “It might be a bad thing as well.”

Merlin stood up and walked closer to Arthur. Every step he took, his breath hitched. When he was finally right next to Arthur, he stroked his hand through his hair. “You said that you knew I would never hurt you. I never would - I would never intentionally hurt you, Arthur. But I did hurt you. I should never have thought I knew better and ignored all the warning signs. I should have never used my magic on you and thought that it could fix everything. It doesn’t.” He wiped at his eyes. “I don’t regret loving you and being with you and listening to you, but I should have been more careful. I’m sorry, Arthur.”

Taking Arthur’s hand, Merlin held it to his chest. “Arthur, I promise you I will be better. I’m going to read every book I can on schizophrenia - even if I have to scour the Earth for those books in Latin.” A light chuckle escaped his lips. “We can learn how to get through this together.” He sucked in a breath. “But you have to come back to us first so we can have a future together. I want that so badly, Arthur. Do you want that, too?”

Arthur blinked.

Merlin closed his eyes and sobbed. It took him a few seconds to register that someone was squeezing his hand. When he looked down, he gasped. Arthur was staring right at him. 

“I want that, too,” Arthur croaked.

Merlin’s hand flew to his mouth and tears fell. He leaned down and he gently hugged Arthur.

 

~*~

 

It always felt odd to wake up after being catatonic and realize how much time he’d lost. This time, it hurt even more because of the time he missed with Merlin. Arthur looked to his left and watched Merlin. He was asleep in a chair by his bed. He’d been there all night. Lance had also been by, but neither knew what to say to the other. So, Lance said he was happy Arthur was awake and left. Arthur knew Lance wouldn’t go far and he was okay with that. 

They’d been giving his medication and he felt more lucid.

Turning his gaze back to Merlin, Arthur let out a shaky breath. When he remembered what happened at Merlin’s mother’s house his blood ran cold. At the time when he’d seen that he hurt Merlin, Arthur wanted to crawl into a hole and never wake up, so he crawled inside himself. But Merlin was able to reach him. Hearing Merlin’s voice begging him to come back and talking about a future together was too much for Arthur. Some part of him heard Merlin’s cries and he had to find him and let him know how much he loved him. Words couldn’t express how grateful he was to Merlin for still standing by him.

But it was time for Arthur to face the reality of his situation. He knew that things had to change because he could not go through another experience like that again. He had to stop hurting the people he loved. 

When Lance walked through the door at that moment, Arthur could almost believe in divine intervention. 

“Hi,” Lance stood there awkwardly.

“Hi.” Arthur turned to Merlin. “Merlin?”

Merlin stirred immediately. His eyes opened gradually and then when his gaze settled on Arthur, he sat up. “Arthur? What is it? Do you need something?”

Arthur almost laughed at Merlin’s eagerness. He knew if he let him Merlin would probably wait on him hand and foot for the rest of his life. It wasn’t just because Merlin loved him. Arthur knew Merlin felt he had something to atone for. That killed Arthur. It wasn’t Merlin’s fault. He listened to everything Arthur said and did everything Arthur wanted because he loved him. He didn’t think Merlin needed to be punished for that. 

“Merlin, can you give my brother and I a minute alone?”

“Of course.” Merlin nodded. “I’ll be right outside.” He smiled at Lance before leaving. He shut the door behind him.

Lance took up Merlin’s spot in the seat beside his bed. He looked down at his hands. “I-”

“Lance-”

They spoke at the same time. Both chuckled nervously.

“You go ahead. You’ve been catatonic for a week. You should exercise those vocal cords.” Lance tried to sound at ease, but Arthur could see in his eyes he was terrified of what Arthur would say. It was another thing Arthur felt guilty over.

“I have to say something, but I just don’t know how to say the words. I’ve been denying it for so long, but…” Arthur felt his heart hammering away in his chest. “But I think you may be right. I think I’m schizophrenic.”

Lance covered his mouth and he stared at Arthur in amazement. 

“I know that I need help.”

Lance grabbed his hand. “This is good, Arthur. This is good. You can definitely get help and it doesn’t just have to be the meds. I know that the idea of the group home is scary to you, but I visited there and I think it could help.”

Arthur kept nodding. “Okay.” For once, he wasn’t going to fight his brother on this. “I think that would be for the best.”

Lance chewed on his bottom lip and tears were forming in his eyes. “Okay, I’ll talk to Gaius about it. We’ll get you placed there and settle you in and…” Lance swallowed. “Then I’m going to back off.”

Arthur stared up at his brother in confusion. 

“I think that I’ve been holding you back and I didn’t mean to. You’ve had to deal with me every day for over ten years and you probably need a break.” 

Arthur didn’t want to hurt his brother’s feelings, but he was right. Arthur gave a slight nod.

Lance let out a shaky breath. “I understand. You need to concentrate on getting better.”

Arthur was surprised to feel close to tears as well. 

Lance let go of his hand and stood up. “I’m going to go speak to Gaius now.”

He turned to leave, but Arthur grabbed his arm. “You don’t have to stay away indefinitely, you know? You can come and see me sometimes.”

“I’d like that.” Lance wiped at an errant tear and walked out. 

After he left and Merlin walked back in. Arthur knew he had to steel himself for this moment. He didn’t know if he would actually be able to say the words.

Merlin glanced behind him and sat down. “Why was Lance crying? Did you two get in another fight?” He sounded worried.

Arthur shook his head. “Just the opposite. We were in complete agreement.”

The tension left Merlin’s shoulders. “That’s good. What did you agree on?”

Arthur licked his lips. “I admitted that I was schizophrenic and I agreed to go to the Albion Group Home.”

Merlin’s mouth fell open. “Oh! That’s amazing, Arthur!” He sat back in his seat. “I didn’t know that was going to the group home was something you’d consider.”

“I didn’t either, but Lance said he thought it would be good for him and I’m going to trust that,” Arthur explained. 

“Okay.” Merlin smiled. “This is good. You can make some real progress. I’m going to learn all I can and I’m going to help you.”

Arthur stared down at his hands. “Merlin.” He closed his eyes. “Merlin, I need you to stay away.”

Merlin’s eyes widened and he let out a puff of air. “You’re joking, right?”

“No.” Arthur couldn’t believe it when his eyes started to sting already. He blinked rapidly. “I want to go to the group home and I can’t have any distractions.”

Merlin’s mouth contorted in hurt. “I’m a distraction?”

Arthur shook his head. “I’m sorry that came out wrong.” He took a deep breath. “When my mother was sick, she gave Lance up to his father to protect him. It hurt - both Lance and my mother - but I think she did the right thing. She put him first.”

Merlin ran his hands through his hair and tugged. “You’re not your mother and I’m not Lance. You don’t need to protect me.” He stood up and sat on Arthur’s bed.

He really wasn’t going to make this easy. Arthur sat up. “Merlin, I love you more than I thought I could love another human being. But I became too dependent on you. I know that I would turn my whole world around just to make you happy but I can’t do that now. I have to get better - for me. I have to learn to deal with my illness and figure out where I’m going next.”

“And that’s without me?” Merlin’s tears fell rapidly. “You want to break-up?”

“No!” Arthur took hold of Merlin’s hands. “I meant what I said before. I want a future with you more than anything in the world. It just can’t start right now. It’ll just be a month or maybe less. I can work on myself and so can you.”

Merlin wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “I hate it, but you’re right.”

“You better get used to saying that phrase,” Arthur teased, trying to lighten the mood.

Merlin laughed, but his smile quickly faded. “You need to concentrate on getting better. It’s just going to be so hard without you.”

Arthur pulled Merlin to him and wrapped him up in a tight embrace. “We’ll see each other again in no time.” He wouldn’t be able to get through this if he thought otherwise. 

Merlin picked his head up and gazed at Arthur. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” 

Merlin held Arthur’s face in his hands and kissed him tenderly. 

Arthur ran his hands through Merlin’s hair. When Merlin pulled away just enough for them to look at each other, Arthur could get lost in Merlin’s piercing blue eyes. Arthur knew this would be the longest month of his life.

 

~*~

 

_Six Months Later_

Arthur looked back at Merlin and smiled as he saw his boyfriend dance along to his iPod and what Arthur was sure was some oldies band Arthur had never heard of. Arthur gazed around at their new flat - and a hundred boxes - and thought they’d been moving forever. But it didn’t matter. Arthur was happier and felt more comfortable in his own skin than he could remember in a long time. 

Turning his attention to the task at hand, Arthur unpacked one of the boxes and smiled down when he saw it was full of pictures. He unwrapped one and his smile grew wider. It was one of him and Merlin after they had reunited at the group home.

The month without Merlin truly had been one of the hardest of his life - but also one of the most rewarding and challenging. Arthur was coming to terms with his diagnosis finally and his counselors at the home were teaching him how not to look at taking the medication as the death sentence Arthur used to think of it as. He started to appreciate how they made it easier to function. 

It helped that they had finally put him on a drug regimen that seemed to be working. His delusions were gone and the hallucination. The side effects, this time, were minimal and were helped by the side effect medication.

Also at the home, he was starting to learn life skills that were necessary for him to one day live on his own - though he hoped he wouldn’t be living alone. He learned how to cook for himself - properly. He learned how to open up his own account at the bank. He even learned how to do his own laundry.

They were also working with him on not saying everything that came into his head and to be more conscientious of other people’s feelings. That was one Arthur had the most trouble with.

When he finally reunited with Merlin it was easily in the top five moments of his life - moments that were being filled with memories of Merlin. They stayed glued to each other’s side the whole day. The time away had been good for Merlin as well. He enrolled in school and had a tutor to help with his reading and writing. He had also managed to book a role in a local play. Arthur was so proud of him.

After three months in the group home, Arthur was ready to leave. Arthur didn’t know where he was going to go. He could go back to Lance’s house or their old home or find something of his own. He was leaning towards the latter, when the night before he was being released, Merlin nervously blurted out the suggestion that they move in together. Though Merlin tried to take it back, it stuck in Arthur’s mind and he realized that was what he wanted more than anything, so he agreed.

Despite all of his contentment with his new home and with Merlin, there was a big hole in his life. He missed Lance terribly. Lance had respected Arthur’s decision to try and make it on his own and had kept his distance. After being utterly dependent on Lance for ten years, it took Arthur some time to adjust, but he soon got used to Lance not being around all of the time. He enjoyed his freedom.

But now he realized how much he missed Lance. He didn’t know how to reach out to his brother after not only how he had treated him over the years, but after being so cool to him the times Lance did visit.

There was a knock at the door and Arthur jogged over to get it. He assumed it was the take-out Merlin had ordered. His mouth dropped open when he saw his brother standing there. Lance had brought a small daisy in a clay pot. “Hi,” Lance said awkwardly.

“H-hello.” Arthur stuttered. “What are you doing here?”

Lance frowned. “Merlin called. He said to come over, I thought you knew that I was coming.”

Arthur looked over his shoulder and saw Merlin as he closed the door to their bedroom. He smiled at Arthur. Of course, Merlin knew that he needed Lance and took it upon himself to make the first move for a pig-headed Arthur.

When Arthur looked back at Lance, he was glancing into the flat behind him. Arthur shook his head. “I’m sorry. You should come in.” He stepped aside to let Lance pass.

Arthur guided Lance through the small and narrow entryway to the living room. So far with the living room was decorated in a series of reds and yellows, with red curtains hung up against the windows in the living room and a red couch and two matching red armchairs set atop a tan carpet. There was a large flat screen television on top of a glass table.

The flat was a bit smaller than Lance had expected. Lance was still Arthur’s legal guardian and in charge of Arthur’s finances, but he had given Arthur more than a generous sum of money to buy whatever place he wanted. 

“I know it’s a bit small. But Merlin really liked how it looked and it’s not too far from his job. He says it will be our starter home. Though I’m not sure what that really means.” Arthur chuckled nervously.

Lance looked over at him and grinned. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you quite so nervous.”

“I’m not nervous. Why would I be nervous?” Arthur questioned with some of his old defiance back in his voice. He reached over to take the plant that Lance had brought and he almost let it slip from his fingers. Lance caught it before it slid any further. Lance took the plant and placed it on the glass table next to the television. 

Arthur took a deep breath. After a moment, Arthur shook the cobwebs from his brain. “I should offer you a seat or give you a tour of the flat - even though it’s not very big. Merlin’s trying to teach me to have better manners and how to be a good host.”

Lancelot hugged his arms to his chest and smiled. “Are you planning on having many guests?”

Arthur shrugged. “I’m trying to be more social, but it’s still not easy for me. Leon said that perhaps I could start by having the weekly poker games here and just see how that goes.”

“Leon hadn’t mentioned that to me. But I think it’s a good idea. I’m glad that you’re reconnecting with your old friends now. I know how much they missed you.” 

They walked over to the couch and sat down. An awkward silence stretched before them. Arthur saw Lance glanced at his watch. He looked as if he struggled not to say anything. Arthur’s own watch started to beep. He walked to the kitchen and took a glass of water and his pills, which were already laid out. 

He walked back out to the living room and sat back next to his brother. “Thank you.”

Lance looked at him in surprise. “For what?”

“Not asking me about my medication. I know that’s hard for you, but I don’t want you to worry. I know how much I need them.”

Lance bit his lip and nodded. “I’m so glad that you’re making progress, Arthur.” His voice sounded sad and strained. “I’m sorry.”

Arthur nudged his brother’s shoulder playfully. “What did Merlin tell you about apologizing all the time?”

Lance tried to grin at Arthur’s comment, but it looked more like a grimace. His eyes looked glassy as if he were on the verge of tears. “I know that sometimes I apologize for things that aren’t my fault, but I truly do owe you this apology. I think I kept you from getting better and it makes me sick to think that. I held on to you too tightly.” 

Arthur edged closer to his brother. He placed a tentative hand on Lance’s shoulder. “Please, don’t think that. The only reason I’m getting better at all is because of you.”

Lance’s eyes widened as he stared at Arthur’s hand still on his shoulder. There was still such sadness in the depths of his eyes and he looked down. “I thought that was because of Merlin.”

Arthur twisted around and looked to his and Merlin’s bedroom. He couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face. When he turned to Lance, the smile was still there. “Merlin has been amazing, and no, I couldn’t have made the changes I have without him. But Merlin didn’t save me, you did.”

Lance peered up at him; a tear fell down his cheek. “That’s what you think?”

Arthur nodded fiercely. “I know it. No one else would have made the sacrifices you did for me. Anyone else would have put me in the group home and washed their hands of me long ago. And if you had, I don’t think I would have made it. You’re the only person in my life that’s never left even when you could have. You kept me alive and you made sure that I got the treatment I needed. It wasn’t you that held me back. It was me. I wasn’t ready to admit my problem. I did need Merlin for that, but I needed you, too.”

“You needed me? Past tense?”

Arthur shook his head. “Things are different now. I don’t need you in the same way. But you’re my family and I want you around.”

Lance smiled genuinely. “I don’t think you’ve ever said that you want me around before.”

“And I’m sorry for that.”

Lance laughed. “All right, I think we both need to take Merlin’s advice. No more apologizing.”

“I’m certain I can handle that,” Arthur teased. Lance chuckled. “Even though we’re still not done unpacking I think it would be nice if you were our first guest. Perhaps you could come over tomorrow night?” 

Arthur was a bit surprised when Lance hesitated. He worried his lip and looked down nervously. “Would it be alright if I brought someone with me?”

A slow grin spread on Arthur’s face. “Someone?”

Lance’s grin matched Arthur’s. “Guinevere.”

Arthur nodded. “She gave you another chance?”

“Yes. I may not deserve it, but she has. Tomorrow night was supposed to be our go at a second date.”

“We’d be happy to have her here. I know Merlin will be excited. Don’t tell her, but Merlin has actually unearthed another movie of hers and has been anxiously waiting to show it to her.”

Lance groaned. “Oh, I don’t think she’s going to like that.”

Arthur grimaced. “Yeah, I didn’t like it either. I’m sorry, she’s a lovely woman, but acting certainly was not her calling.”

Lance shook his head as he laughed loudly. He looked at Arthur fondly. “Looks like you haven’t changed completely.”

He didn’t want to appear insecure, but Arthur still worried about his brother’s opinion. “Is that a good or bad thing?”

Lance didn’t hesitate with his response. “It’s definitely good.”

They were both equally surprised when Arthur spontaneously hugged him. It was brief, but warm embrace. Other than with Merlin, Arthur was still uncomfortable with expressing his feelings, but he hoped the hug would let his brother know how much he loved him. From the look on Lance’s face when they broke apart, he knew that Lance got the message.


End file.
